Thursday, April 2, 2009

A Weepy Post

I'm in a really weepy mood tonight. Maybe it's hormones of being back on Birth Control, maybe it's sleep deprivation, maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I've been laying in bed crying off and on for over an hour and thought maybe I'd write some things down so I can go to bed and wake up in a better mood.
I apologize for the cynical nature of this post, it was just therapeutic for me to write it out.

-I really hate divorce and what it does to people. It's like the hurt that never ends. I really wish my parents had never divorced and I really wish my mother had never remarried.
-I hate that people that read my blog know more about my feelings than my own husband.
-I wish my husband would take the time to read my blog. It's not like he doesn't have time. He just chooses to read drudge report.
-I know it's silly, but it really hurts my feelings that none of my especially good friends from college ever comment on my pictures of Barclay. I don't even know if they look at them.
-I know people are busy, but I would say 95% of my best friends from before Barclay don't call or write or check up on me. I check on them but they never check on me. I know friendships are always changing, but I feel like people gave up on me.
-I am thankful for new friends I've found through Facebook and church who encourage me.
-I'm sad that my Grandparents who are in Pakistan haven't even taken the time to write or call to see about Barclay since his birth.
-I'm sad that my dad has the mental capacity of a 10 year old and I know I'll be taking care of him soon.
-I'm sad my dad isn't the strong manly Grandfather that I always envisioned he would be for my children
-I'm sad that my dad's health is declining every time I see him and I know he wont live as long as I'd like.
-I'm sad that Sarah Grace and Georgia Ann have never known a father
-I'm sad that Noah and I have no boundaries with our work and therefore have very little quality time together
-I'm sad that Noah doesn't seem to miss Barclay throughout the day
-I'm sad that he's so stressed, but I'm too stressed to hear about his day and actually care, because I feel he has it easy
-I'm sad because at the end of the day, I don't feel accomplished or like I'm worth anything
-I'm sad that my sisters hurt all the time
-I'm sad that my family is spread across the country
-I'm sad that I seem to be gaining weight since the birth
-I'm sad because I think Noah finds every excuse not to come home to a crying baby
-I don't feel like I can deal with another time of Mom supposedly resolving her marriage and finally getting help.
-I'm sad because I look into my little sister's eyes, I don't see a child, but a cynical adult far beyond her years
-I'm upset with myself that I'm so blessed and yet still have nights like tonight when everything seems to be sad.
-I'm frustrated because every day I try to get it together and fail miserably

Well Barclay will probably wake up right when my head hits the pillow but I don't care. I feel so much better and tomorrow will not have to wade through sad thoughts because they are out.


  1. Hugs to you HJ. Praying for you tonight. Having a newborn on top of all the other stresses of life is overwhelming. Keep in mind, it took 9 months for that little precious one to grow inside you and it'll take at least that long for your body to get back to some resemblance of how you'd like it. (I'm still in that boat 13 months post partum.) Hang in there. God is good all the time and He sees the big picture. You'll look back and be able to see how He was holding you in His arms through all of this.

  2. praying for you today. being a mom totally kicks my butt.. esp on days like omm today after he screamed all night long unless he was being held.. so i hear ya on the challenges of motherhood. you are beautiful, an amazing mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, musician, and photographer. hang in there. you are loved!

    -jessica epp :)


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