Monday, August 31, 2009

Clumsy Day

Mondays...seriously? They are such roller coasters. It's like a clean slate just waiting for you to start over and do better. I always start the week off with lists, goals, meals I want to make, projects I want to do, people I want to get in touch with... And usually by noon, I realize that I can't do it...then I get sad.
Today I had so much to do, and I did about 1/10th of what I was hoping to accomplish. In the meantime, a bunch of crazy things happened.
I started the morning by designing two albums for clients. As I pressed the "order" button, I felt a huge weight of guilt lift from my shoulds. Barclay slept the whole time and I was able to dress semi cute, prepare to leave, and do breakfast dishes. I then had to wake Barclay up which has happened about 2 times in his life. I then met a sweet friend at Sam's club to walk around and get stuff I need/hang out. I love this sweet friend because she's just so easy and we just pick up where we left off. I had a sweet time with her/got a lot of things I've been needing to buy (like the 10 jump drives that I need to fill up with pictures and mail tomorrow). After waving goodbye, I was feeling PRETTY good about how my life was going. Pretty organized, getting stuff done, looking semi cute...Monday was MINE!
Then I made the decision to go to Walmart. Oh why, o why? Didn't I know it was the kiss of death to my productive day?
Here is a bulleted list of what went wrong:
*Barclay squealed the whole time and chewed on pretty much everything in our cart.
*Barclay's cloth diaper leaked everywhere. I was too tired to take him to the bathroom and change him like a normal mother, so I just laid him out over all my stuff and did it in the deoderant aisle. Classy.
*I was then yelled at for nursing in Public. Story as follows:
Barclay was screaming so I started nursing him, my sweater was covering everything that needed to be covered. I was in the make up aisle with 1 other woman. I didn't think anything of it. Pretty much, for the past 2 months, I have given up on nursing covers, burp clothes, etc. Because they are pulled off in an instant. Never in my life has anyone looked at me weird, given me mean looks, or said anything about nursing in public. All of a sudden, this lady approaches me (she was about 65 and looked very motherly and nice), she then sees what I am doing and freaks out yelling, "Plu leeeese....." I was so shocked when I looked up and saw the most disguisted face I think I've ever seen. "Plu leeeese..."She said again.
"Excuse me? What is the problem?" I asked.
"Can't you do that somewhere else?!" She asked with utmost disgust in her voice, as if I was doing something like...Well...nothing comes to mind.
I was so shocked. I wanted to break down and cry and say, "No I can't do it somewhere else. I'm just trying to survive lady. I'm trying to make it through my day without having a mental breakdown!".
I ended up turning my back and shedding a few tears and not giving her the satisfaction of getting a rise out of me.

Pretty much I'm so sensative, that I replayed the senario the whole afternoon and got madder and madder and madder. I just couldn't believe that a motherly looking, older woman, would yell at a frazzled young mother like that in the makeup aisle.
I could understand a mother with a teen son, or a man, or a mother with young children. But seriously lady, what is so awful that you have to go out of your way to ruin someone's day?

the list continues...

*2 1/2 hours later I'm pretty much wandering around in daze trying to figure out where chamomile tea is, I go to the register, wait in line, start putting up my items to buy, when I realize that I've left my wallet in the car. Barclay of course is fussing the whole time. I then have to put my items back in the cart, carry Barclay out to my car, grab my wallet, come back in, put my items up, and purchase them. And of course my check out lady is mean as a snake. She didn't even smile when Barclay cooed and flirted with her.

*Get out to the car, load everything up, put Barclay in his seat, Barclay falls asleep immediately, and I realize...It's because I've been out for 3 1/2 hours!

*I start to drive and realize one of the doors is ajar. I look around and think, Oh it's probably just fine. As I'm driving down 4 seasons, I get honked at several times. People were kindly pointing out that my door was ajar on Barclay's side. I pull over and to my amazement and horror, realize that my wallet had fallen out of the car and was what was keeping the door from shutting. My wallet could have fallen out on the highway. And for some reason, for the past 3 weeks, my social security card has been in it. Praise the Lord! My day could have been a lot worse!

*I finally make it home and Barclay is very upset and nothing works. So basically I hold him and attempt to edit with one hand.

*I make grilled cheese for dinner instead of the yummy curry I was planning.

*I think I shall make my week start on Tuesdays...

Monday, August 24, 2009


Being a mother is frightening. To have so much influence over a person's life. To be responsible for teaching, training, and loving.

Today I was in a store and a mother pushed her little girl on the back of the neck and said very loudly, "I'm gonna beat you down". It completely grabbed at my heart. I cannot believe that a mother could treat their own child with such hatred.

Just this past week, several people have commented to me how wonderful it is to see the love I have for Barclay. It's so easy though! It's the easiest thing in the world.

Now I think to years from now, when he can talk back, and disappoint. I think about all how hard it will be to see him hurt, how hard it will be to watch him learn lessons. But I can honestly say that, I.Will.Never.Stop.Loving.Him. No matter what he does, no matter what he doesn't do, no matter what, I will always love him.

I sometimes get stressed out thinking about the fine line a parent walks between being an authority, and being a friend. Between disciplining out of love, and not disciplining effectivly.
"How will I know what to do?"

A sweet friend wrote me a facebook message when I was having a hard time in the early months of motherhood. She said, "Pray for Wisdom".

So tonight, I prayed for wisdom, and tomorrow I will pray for wisdom,..

Thursday, August 20, 2009

the day after...

It's been one of those days...
The day after...
The day after something big.
I don't do too well on these days usually. I crash and burn.
Today is one of those days where I don't know how I feel. I feel like it would take a lot of soul searching, crying, and writing to figure it out.

So here I am. I've been editing pictures with Pandora on a Christian Radio Station, this is something that encourages me and makes me cry.every.time.

I had a good friend have a baby yesterday. I don't know what it is, but I cannot stop crying every single time I think about it. I think it is because I'm an empathetic person (well that's an understatement). I am reliving the joy of those first moments of motherhood with her.

I feel like I'm also realizing that I will never again have that first, new experience again. Such is life...fleeting moments. I'm realizing that one of the joys of Heaven is that our moments will be eternal.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Everything's different...

even though I try for it not to be.

Right now, I am ENJOYING an empty, quiet hotel room. I'm overlooking a beautiful sunset over a Chicago city scape.
I cannot help but think about what was...
Just a few months ago, Noah and I would have been out on the town, soaking up all the culture, music, good food we could get.
Right now I've been in the hotel, soaking up pee, carrot baby food, milk, poop, and spit up. Crying, because Barclay is clawing at my face, screaming and we cannot do anything to make him stop. I am done trying to figure this baby out. He baffles me. And Noah thinks I'm having a mental break down because I can't stop crying. Literally, I feel like everything has gone wrong. I tripped and spilt carrots all over the floor, curtains, window, telephone. Barclay has puked on pretty much every pretty thing I brought to's just so out of my control and so different.

I really feel like I know WHY people don't do much when they have babies. Because it takes twice the time and it is twice as stressful...and despite how wonderful children are, it isn't as much fun (at least that's what it is like at this age).

Pleeease don't get me wrong. I LOVE my baby! I love having him in my life 24/7. I LOVE being a mother and I wouldn't change it.

But I cannot help but feel a twinge of sadness at the loss of Noah and I. Just the two of us. In my head, I thought we'd be in this hotel room, rolling around laughing, running out to the city...just with a baby in tow.
Reality is...I'm tired. I'm cranky. My patience is run out. We keep handing him off to each other, Business for both of us just never ends.

Right now, even though I'm in the city of Chicago for three days, in a hotel that is in the middle of all the action...all I want to do is go home, where I have a room far away from mine, so I don't have to hear the crying anymore.

Sigh. How do other mom's do it? I've lost my mind.

Friday, August 7, 2009

My Reception and Honeymoon:-)

Today over at Kelly's Korner, we are showing our reception and honeymoon pictures.

Our reception was held at the camp we met at and where my husband grew up. We had it at the 100+ year old hotel and on the lawn overlooking a lake. We got a tent put up outside so everyone could fit (all 550 people!). It was casual, laid back, and very romantic. I didn't stay long at my reception because I was soooo ready for my honeymoon:-) Plus, It seemed like I was talking to most random people, while the people I really wanted to hang out were dancing away.
We had a 4 person swing band. It was some old timers who gave me their music on cassette tape:-) They were only $300 for 2 hours, plus travel. Are you kidding me?! I was so glad to have some life music there.

Dancing with some little girls. I look like I'm just about as tall as they are!

Here are my sisters singing "The nearness of you" by Nora Jones...It was our song and they learned to sing and play it! It was a surprise. They look so young here! Especially my sister Julianna with her braces!

I LOVED our wedding cake by my Aunt Nana. It was EXACTLY what I wanted. Simple, clean, with daisys and green ribbon.

Here you can see the tent in the background and all my pretty girlfriends in the background.

Just about to set out on our new life...the best feeling in the world!!!

Probably one of my favorite pictures. Notice what it says around my smiling face:-)

Now on to the honeymoon...Since I got married more than four years ago, all my honeymoon pictures are on film! So I don't have any.

BUT...I want to revisit it. I was so young and skinny in's just as well to not remind myself;-)

Noah and I decided at a young age, to save ourselves for marriage. It just was never an option for us to break that promise we had made to God. So we spent several years holding back. I'm so glad we did because the honeymoon was so new and so special to us.
Seriously, leaving that reception was one of the best feelings I've ever had. To go from complete chaos to alone with the man I love. We were GIDDY!

We didn't tell anyone where we were going...because we weren't going anywhere! We decided after so many options to honeymoon in Asheville NC, 30 minutes away from where we got married. We stayed on the club floor of the Grove Park Inn. Noah, my wheeling and dealing husband got us a pretty amazing deal to stay there. So amazing that when we checked out...the concierge said someone would get fired for giving us that deal!
It was SO luxurious! And so relaxing. We didn't have to do anything but just enjoy each other. I had SO MUCH FUN, getting dressed up for dinner, waking up next to him, walking around with my HUSBAND. I remember waking up about every 30 minutes during that first night and rolling over and kissing Noah and saying..."Can you believe we're married?!" It was so so so so special. I can't even describe it. It was VERY strange to go from having to hold back and always feeling like we had to avoid the appearance of evil, to celebrating our bond and being able to be husband and wife together. It was very very strange.

It's amazing to see how God protected us throughout our individual lives and brought us to each other. For example, I grew up basically without a father, and at 13 my father tried to commit suicide resulting in a very traumatic brain injury that has left him at the mental age of a 12 years old. As a young girl, my heart LONGED to be filled with the love of a man. I met Noah at 14 and always knew that I wanted to wait for him. Noah was very godly and very mature. He was always saying no and always showing me the right way. We managed to wait until I was 16 to start dating, engaged at 18, and married at 19.
I truly believe (because my heart was so desperate) that if God did not bring Noah to me at such a young age, I would have probably gotten myself into a lot of trouble with boys.

I truly felt the grace of God towards me, a nobody, to bless me with so much. On my wedding night, I completely felt His LOVE for me and his protection of me.

I have so many funny stories from my honeymoon, but they aren't appropriate...So you'll just have to wonder...

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I want my life to count.

I really feel like I am at a crossroads with my life right now. It's like I'm scared to jump head first into adulthood.
I have this itch, the itch to move. To travel. To do something meaningful with my life.
I'm so scared to set up roots, to make a home, to have a routine.
I'm scared because as of late, every morning I wake up and the day involves completely around myself and my little family. I am doing very little outreach to others and it really bothers me.
I'm getting over the fact that you don't have to be a full blown missionary overseas to live for God, but...I still feel the need to go...somewhere.
Maybe it's the gypsy in my blood, maybe it's the fact that I just don't want to grow up.
I'm pretty terrified, because all of a sudden my life is in fast forward and I cannot keep up.
I want my life to count. I want to do more than just survive...but every night I crawl into bed and realize that the day flew by and I didn't even realize it.
Today I realized...really realized that Barclay is 6 months old! That is pretty old! In my head, he's just 3 months at the most.
I just feel like everything is out of control.

Is this normal?....

Today I have had such an ache for another baby. What is wrong with me? I have the sweetest baby right here that I cannot even keep up with.
I can't shake it though. It's that whole body ache that comes from so deep in my soul.
I think a lot of it has to do with several friends who were pregnant when I was...announcing they are pregnant again. And several close friends about to deliver their first.
I hate to say it, but I feel so jealous? Why? I have a baby. I LOVE him. I can barely keep my head on with just one, but it has been just tugging at my heart all day long.
Is this normal?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Well, I did keep to my very small goals of
a.feeding my baby something other than milk
b.spray painting something

I fed Barclay Yo Baby Yogurt tonight and he did not like it, but he did eat quite a bit and didn't throw it back up!

I decided to spray paint this cute little candle holder that I bought the Salvation Army a couple months ago for $1. I love all things organic looking and this looks like sticks bundled together. I've loved it but always had a hard time matching it to a room. I took it and put it next to my tub last week and noticed that is speckled spray painted with copper and silver...and it doesn't look too good close up....

Hard to see but it was just sort of blah...

So I spray painted it black.
Yay! It looks so good.

The little knot detail...

Yay! I REALLY love this candle holder now.

In other news...I am completely overwhelmed at being a mother. I know every mother feels like this at one time or another but I feel like I feel this way pretty much every second. I never feel like, "Yeah, I've got this...I'm in a groove." No, I literally feel like I'm on a crazy roller coaster and I'm hanging on for dear life. Don't get me wrong, it's the BEST ride of my is just making it crazy!
I think part of this is that I am too busy with too much to do, and I'm just not organized...because I'm too busy...and the cycle contines.

I'm sort of mad at my mom for making it look so easy....

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

7 Days of Spray Paint and Baby Food

I have been SO inspired by reading blogs of all the things you can do with a can of spray paint! I have so many things this past month that I have purchased in hopes to spray paint one day. I am quickly realizing that these things are piling up and no spray painting has been done. So I thought I'd spray paint one small thing a day and post it. For seven days.

Something else I'm having a hard time with is feeding my baby! OK, I'm not starving him...obviously.

But I'm having an awfully hard time remembering to give him solid foods. I end up remember about 8 o'clock when he is too tired to do anything but nurse.

So...I thought I'd combine these two and do 7 days of spray paint and baby food...

I don't know if those two things have ever been in the same sentence before...

Be back later.