Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Old House-New House

Tomorrow we are moving! I am so excited because it means we are closer to town and not "the people that everyone wants to visit but we live so far out in the boonies that they don't".

I am exhausted, ready to be in the place I will bring Sullivan home to, ready to nest in a place that matters! I am just ready to be out of the limbo stage.

As I am packing up the boxes, I can't help but feel a little sentimental about leaving this house. Even though it was not my favorite location, we have had SO many wonderful memories here!

I especially think about everything that has happened here as I take a bath in my WONDERFUL garden sized tub. I know it's weird but it's where I do all my thinking, crying, hoping....

I remember crying after many fights with Noah in there. When we moved in we were having a REALLY hard time getting my bipolar"ness" worked out. And now I feel like we have grown SO much in how we handle things. God has changed both of us to be more like him. It's exciting!

I remember dreaming, wishing, hoping, longing for a baby in there. I would lay back and look at my "flat" stomach and wish wish wish that this would be the month...

I remember laying in the water dreaming of our little one who we would name Barclay Thomas. All those quiet moments of wondering...

I remember laboring in the tub and thinking that I was DYING.

I remember bathing in the tub with a bunch of herbs the night I got home with Barclay from the hospital. Noah brought his tiny little body to me and I nursed him in the tub.

Then all the times I bathed Barclay with me. I rarely bath him by himself because it's so fun to take a bath anyways and I also felt more secure that I was hold him.

I remember starting to have quiet times of longing for baby number 2. Then the excitement for 11 weeks of expecting that little one...which we found out were probably twins.

I remember almost a week of baths where I didn't know if those babies would live...and the baths after the DandC when I felt so empty.

Then there was this new baby. Baby Sullivan...Oh how I LONGED for him in those quiet bath times after the DandC...and just a couple months later, we found out the exciting news that we were pregnant again.

So many times this year I have puked in the bathtub from horrible morning sickness, watched my belly grow and grow and grow, cried for the many deaths and hardships our loved ones have gone through, and hoped for our future.

Sorry this is such a sappy post, but I just had to get it out there before our internet is shut off and we dive head first into setting up house:-)

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Labor Scare

Last night I thought we were going to meet Sullivan. I literally thought I was going to be emergency transferred to a bigger hospital and have to have a C section last night.

I've been feeling really off for a while and yesterday I had so much to do. We are moving, it is Christmas, ect ect. I felt a lot of pains in my belly all day but I chalked it up to Sullivan trying to flip back over (he is breech). Twice at Lowes I was asked if I was in labor.

The couple errands after Lowes, I started doubling over with pain which I still considered painful movement.

When I got home I started having horrible back pain with them and I was so out of breath that I would have to lay down. Then I started noticing the wave of a contraction. I had been so thirsty all day and had already consumed like 8 large glasses of water but I still drank more and laid down.

I really knew it was bad when I was watching 24 (my current obsession) and I couldn't even comprehend what was going on. I was still hurting so I put in the dreaded call to my midwives...aka I knew they were going to tell me to go to the ER. I did and they did.

The drive over there I started second guessing myself..."What if it is just movement? Am I going to be the idiot second time mother who can't even tell what a contraction is? What if we have to pay for a hospital visit and it was nothing..."

As soon as I signed in I knew it was the right decision. I started crying they hurt so bad and they were so regular. Every 2 minutes like clock work. When they checked me in the nursing putting the doppler on my belly exclaimed. "Wow that is a big contraction." I was relieved for a moment (relieved that coming in was the right decision) then I started to panic. Contraction after contraction for hours and hours. Two minutes apart. After a pill and some IV fluid they were just as strong. Then they started getting so strong that I was yelping in pain every time. That's when I thought that we might meet our son. For a fleeting moment I was thinking of the tiny baby clothes I hadn't washed, and the dirty house we were supposed to move out of on Tuesday. But quickly my thoughts went to the health of Sullivan. I knew he would be tiny, I knew he would have to come via C section (breech), I knew I wouldn't be able to hold him or nurse him right away. Then my thoughts went to Barclay. I wasn't ready to share him. I wasn't ready to be totally focused on a premie. Selfish but true.
I just kept whispering to Noah, "I cannot believe this. I cannot believe this. I didn't even think this was a possibility..." I had myself so convinced I would be late that I constantly expect to deliver in March.
Thankfully the contractions, bad as they were, did not change my cervix. They checked me three times (yikes!) and no change. So after 7 hours and still having regular somewhat uncomfortable contractions, they sent me home to rest.
I had them all night but it was more like I got seasick from the motion than from actually hurting.
So, I will be taking it easy and hoping that they stop soon.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Slow Death

I haven't written any deep posts lately. Mostly because every time I sit down to write, the blank screen flashes in front of me...taunting me. But yet the thing that is overflowing from my heart and wants to be written...could not.

I am extremely close to my sisters (all four of them). So close it is probably unhealthy. I am so empathetic that their joy is mine and their pain is mine.

The past six months, I have been witnessing the slow death of my sister Katie Beth. It's not cancer.

My little sister who is 23 is one of the most special people in my life. She is loyal to a fault, she is hard working, adventurous, and loving. She got married at 19 (like myself) to a wonderful guy she'd been head over heels in love with since she was 13. They were magical together. Kyle one time gave Katie Beth a brain injured squirrel for her birthday. To most of us, that would be confusing and maybe insulting, but to Katie Beth it was the most wonderful thing in her world. She nurtured and loved that baby squirriel for months before it died.
Many deployments, trainings, a miscarriage later Katie Beth and Kyle were just shells of people they used to be.
It's been almost exactly 4 years since my little sister walked down the aisle to her groom, and for the past six months I have been a front row observer in the decline of their marriage.
It has been heart breaking. That is the only word I can think to describe it. Kyle was unfaithful to Katie Beth which I know from being her sister was the number one fear of her life. Month after month, lies after lies, I watched it drag on. Just when I thought the affair was over, and restoration could begin to take place, more lies were discovered.
In the midst of this all, I watched as God miraculously changed Katie Beth's heart from a hard, cold unforgiving heart to one that was sweet and willing to forgive. It has been amazing to watch.
Unfortunately and frustratingly her husband has proven time and time and time and time again that he is not willing to give up his selfishness and be faithful to her.
So three weeks ago, my 6 1/2 month pregnant sister moved in with us (again). But this time for good. It's become apparent in the past couple of days that things are not going to work out.
It's been pretty awful to watch as Katie Beth's dreams die. Her dreams of a loving family, her dreams of a daddy for her little girl, her dreams of more children, of growing old with someone.
And here I am with all those dreams realized. And my heart just cries out with sadness for her.
How can I deliver Sullivan in a couple weeks and be happy? How can my heart be satisfied as I look around the delivery room and see an excited, expectant daddy. When I know just a few short weeks later, my sister will be delivering a child into a broken family? She will not have the amazing bonding experience I had with Noah when Barclay was born. She will not have someone to gaze at her baby with her, going over every single aspect and marveling that she was made through their love. She will not have a husband to help her change diapers when she's too tired after a night of breastfeeding. She wont have someone encouraging her along the way that she's doing a good job and she wont have someone saying, "I cannot believe she's ours!"

We will be there for her. We will help her change diapers. We will take many hours to marvel over that baby. We will...but it wont be the same.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Pondering Christmas Cards

I love Christmas cards.

I love giving them. I REALLY love receiving them. I love that I have to take the time to go through my list of loved ones and update them. I love remembering fun memories with each special person or family as I make my way through the list.

As I was making my way through my list the other day, my heart just shattered as I read my grandmother's name next to my grandfathers. Oh how I wanted to send her my Christmas card! Oh how I wanted her to know what was going on in my life. But I scratched her name off the list...

It wasn't long before I came to another name on the list that needed to be scratched off...and another and another. My heart was just sad as I realized how much death we've seen this year. I was heartbroken thinking of loved ones spending their first holiday without their loved one.

As I was feeling a little sorry for the world and the loss of such good people this year, I started adding the names of new little ones who had come or were coming into the world this year. One after another after another after another...name after name after name. People I had prayed for, people I had grieved with in the loss of many pregnancies. I added more than 50 new babies to our list!

I also added fiancees and husbands and wives, and changed address to new and exciting places.

It's so strange to summarize a years worth of relationships in one list, but it made me grateful to see that the Lord takes away, but he also gives:-)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

28 Weeks

Dear Sullivan,

I am finally in my third trimester and now I am realizing that you will be here in just the blink of an eye. We have Christmas and New Years and moving to a new house all standing between now and you. I am so excited but I am determined to get my life semi organized before you come. And I'm also trying to enjoy every one on one moment I can with your brother.

This past week I felt pretty good. Probably better than I have all year, which isn't saying much. But I was thankful that the nausea has lessened and the backaches and head aches weren't there this week.

I have craved Eggnog sooooo badly and have given in on many occasions. I seriously can chug a quart in one day. I am trying to convince you that you want peas and chicken but you are not falling for it. I think it was the eggnog, but I finally gained my first couple pounds this past week. 3 to be exact. Sadly, I know it was eggnog and not baby that tipped the scale:-)

I am carrying you a lot lower than I did Barclay, so a lot of my maternity shirts that I wore up till the day I delivered, are too short for me.

You move all the time, and I love it. It never gets old to me. Last night I just lay there in the still of the night as I felt your knee go back and forth over my belly.

We are moving to a new house in the next month! One closer to town and a little bit smaller. I can't wait to fix up the "boy's room" and include you into it. I plan on painting some stuff with your name on it and having some frames especially for pictures of you when you get here.

I went through all Barclay's baby clothes yesterday and my heart just sung as I pulled each tiny piece out. I can't believe you will be that little! I am chomping at the bit to hold you and snuggle you and nurse you.

I love you little one...

Your Mama