Friday, January 28, 2011


I have always been an anti hoarder. One wouldn't think so if you drove by our current house and saw the array of stuff on our porch (still a month after our move). In fact, I'm sure our neighbors think we are hoarders just strictly judging us from our porch.

I have never ever had a problem with throwing stuff out, and as much as I love going to goodwill for deals, I love taking stuff right back there. It's almost a high to get rid of stuff.

I've always considered my home decor style to be simple, not cluttered. Well I guess that was before Barclay, but for the most part, I like simple, clean, uncluttered.

Two days after Christmas we proceeded (with me in and out of the hospital with pre term labor) to move from a 3 bed room, two bath house with a HUGE garage and a HUGE attic to a 2 bedroom, 2 bath house with a little guesthouse and neither a garage or an attic.

If you had asked me 2 months ago I would have said that we hardly had any stuff. That we pretty much had only what we needed. Oh how my eyes have opened! We had an extreme amount of stuff. I really can't even believe it, and it seems to never end. I take a trip to take 3 or 4 boxes to goodwill almost every other day. I've sold stuff on craigslist, I've thrown out stuff, given away stuff and we still have too much. I've recently started giving away stuff I like, simply because we cannot fit it in this house. The things I have too much of are decoration/art stuff. It's my addiction but I don't want to ruin the look of my house by hanging every single thing I own.

I went to three thrift stores today to try to find two things I needed and I felt like I was in my own home because there was so much of my stuff being sold there!

Anyhow, all that to say that I have come to realize that stuff is so trivial. It is such a baggage. Every single time I throw something out, or give something away I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

Well, after the baby is born and I feel like a human again (although maybe half a human because I'll probably be sleep deprived and overwhelmed), I am going to start posting little before and afters of our house that I'm making into our little home. It'll be fun.

Well at least I am not the type of person that has it all together so much that I am sitting around with a perfectly cleaned house, perfectly together and organized nursery, bag ready and packed by the door for the hospital just waiting for this baby to get here. I can literally think of about a million things I can get done before now and then. I just wish these contractions would stop long enough for me to do them.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I am scared to blog because of all the whiney, unpleasant things that might spew from my finger tips. But I just cannot hold it in any longer.

I am so frustrated. I wish there were a word for REALLY REALLY REALLY frustrated because that is the word that I would use in this instance.

Last night I went to the hospital (again), but this time it was because I thought I was in labor. Not because my midwives made me go in because I was having more than four contractions an hour. I have been having contractions 2-4 minutes apart off and on since Christmas...mostly on. They are driving me insane. But at least they weren't painful...more like uncomfortable and annoying. Well the past few days have felt exactly like the days leading up to Barclay's delivery. A little bit of swelling in my hands, an overwhelming tiredness, and a lot of pressure. Tuesday I went in and they actually thought I was in labor my contractions were so strong and close together and I was starting to whimper and moan through them. I was told I was nearly 2 cm, but not quite, and that the head was right there.

Yesterday after barely being able to get out of bed all day, I had the urge to we went to our ghetto mall and walked for about an hour. Then I got home and started reeeallly hurting. I bathed, tried to watch a movie, bounced and swayed on the birthing ball...and they kept getting stronger and stronger. Now remember I have had contractions for 6 WEEKS and have not yet gone in because I thought I was in labor, but last night I hurriedly packed my bags, had my sister paint my toe nails (you know the really important things;-) and Noah and I got to the ER about 1 am.

After whimpering and moaning through several contractions, they checked me. Just 1 cm. I wanted to die. Not only was I not in labor, I had gone backwards from a few days before. My poor exhausted husband was falling asleep and wasn't so happy with me for dragging him to the hospital for "nothing".

I cried the entire hour they monitored me, I cried for two hours when I got home, and I've cried off and on all day.

*How am I supposed to know when to go to the hospital? When the baby's head is outside of me? I mean really, I can't go when contractions get closer together, I can't even go when they are painful...
The very "helpful" nurse acted out a senario for which I should come in. This included lots of violent jolting and twitching on the ground.

*I know it isn't true. I know it isn't possible. But I honestly do not believe I will ever have this baby. I cannot imagine it. I cannot fathom that one of these times I will go to the hospital, they will let me stay, and I will have a baby. It seems so silly but I truly cannot imagine it. And I think that's not too good for me, since I want to have a natural water birth...if I can't even imagine that it's possible.

*I am so tired of being so freaking sensitive and weak. I know my husband loves me but his patience is wearing thin (and I don't blame him). I am tired not being able to FUNCTION. I still have a very disorganized house. And everyone wants to help me...but they really can't. I need to figure out my own systems. I need to figure out where to put stuff. I'm tired of people coming over and shoving things in random closets and drawers to try to help. I'm tired of being the one people feel sorry for.
I have this vision of myself this summer, and I like it. I see a girl who is strong, who is able to help others, who is able to focus time and energy on her two boys. A woman who is fun, active, organized, THIN;-). I want to be there so badly. I want to feel like myself again. I want to feel like I'm not always taking from every single person.

I want to reply, "GREAT!" when someone asks me how I am doing.

*I can't help it but after the recent 6 weeks, I think it would be irresposible of me to get pregnant again. I love children, I love some aspectsof being pregnant (ie kicks and looking pregnant). But I don't think it is fair to my family to be totally out of commission for 10 months.
That makes me really sad because I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy as if it is my last...but how can I when I hurt. all. the. time.

*I have a feeling...a very strong feeling...despite other strong feelings that lead me the other way, that I am going to be hurting until I am 41 weeks.

Ok so this is so whiney and pathetic for me to write all this out, but I have exhausted my dear friends and family with my first hand whining so I had to resort to this.

Please please please pray for me. Pray for my patience, for my comfort, and especially for my husband.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Barely Pregnant

34 Weeks 2 days.

Cravings- Ice cream and ice...and we have had snow on the ground for the past week!
Sleep-Bizzare. I have horribly itchy skin from a "slouchy pregnant liver" as the dermatologist put it. I am constantly thinking there are mice in my bed. Since we moved in our house we have caught 2 and they make my skin crawl!!! I also pee at LEAST 6 times a night. Not to mention my husband has been snoring and talking very loudly.
Weight gained: 2 lbs the whole pregnancy. But I have a lot to start with.
Barely Pregnant:
Well at least I feel that way. A week ago exactly I was in the hospital, had to be transfered to another hospital with a NICU because they thought Sullivan was going to make his appearance. 3 different horrid drugs, 3 IVs, 1 cm dialated, an ambulance a blizzard, and a negative Fetal fibronectin test sent us home after about 11 hours.

I have since been sent to the ER once more.

I am still pregnant and so happy to be nearing the time where going into full blown labor will be an exciting thing instead of scary. My midwives said they will deliver at our local hospital if I can make it to 36 weeks (which was ironically my due date with Barclay, Jan 26th).

I've had a really hard time with being sore from the contractions, going out of my mind wondering if my water had broken, or if the contractions were stronger. It has really been a big test of my patience.

Thankfully so many friends and family have helped us out lately. Whether it be unpacking, grocery shopping, cooking meals, taking Barclay for the afternoon...I've been on bed rest nearly the whole time and have been able to rest.

But I'm starting to feel like time is drawing near. A chapter is about to close. I cry nearly every time I put Barclay down or have a sweet moment with him because I know my attention will have to be split in two. Although it might be good in the long run for Barclay's ego;-)

I finally got a few newborn clothes washed and have a few tiny items in my hospital bag. It's all becoming real to me now that this train isn't stopping!

Although I think that maybe after all, he just might come late like his brother;-)

Monday, January 3, 2011

Staying Pregnant

This was NOT my problem with Barclay. In fact I think I did everything in the book to not be pregnant and yet he was still 9 days late.

This baby is trying to come early though and I don't know quite what to think about it. On the one hand, my body is ready to not be pregnant anymore. I have been pregnant almost the entire year (miscarriage included). I feel like I have felt like crap every day this year and I am SO tired of puking and feeling awful. It would be wonderful if for once, when someone asks me how I'm doing...I don't feel like spurting out, "I feel so terrible!"

On the other hand, if I deliver this early (I am nearly 33 weeks) I will have to deliver in the big hospital far away, with doctors I don't know (instead of my sweet midwives at our local hospital). I know I probably wont be able to nurse Sullivan for a while and Barclay wouldn't be able to visit immediately.

I am VERY thankful that I didn't deliver 2 weeks ago and that I am past the 32 week mark.

I also don't want to get it in my head that I will deliver early because I don't want to think the baby could come ANY time and he end up being late and so for 9 weeks I'm thinking that the baby is coming.

I promised myself after Barclay was born that with the next baby I would expect to be late and so I wouldn't waste so many weeks just waiting around. But I don't want to be stupid and not prepare myself for an early delivery...Sigh. I was trying to avoid the ridiculous is he coming now? Is he coming tomorrow? Stuff. I just want to be semi organized in our new house and enjoy my last few weeks with Barclay as my one and only baby.

Yesterday I really felt off. Not only did I spill my water in between my legs during church (you should have seen the looks I got!), but halfway through the service my hands and ankles turned bright red and swelled up. My hands and feet didn't swell a bit with B until the last two days. I had to lay down to stop contractions, get the feeling back in my limbs and keep from passing out. I called my mom to come get Barclay for the day and I laid down ALL DAY LONG. Flat on my back except for the 25 times I had to pee. Every time I got up contractions started again.

I also felt this weird feeling I had the day I went into labor with Barclay. Almost like a big inhale before an exhale. I felt panicky but also like I HAD to rest.

At risk for being dramatic (and wrong) I will say that my heart is telling me that Sullivan will be here in the next two weeks. I hope I am wrong, but I don't know...I also know God's timing is perfect and whenever I get to meet him will be the right time.

I am just going a little bit nuts trying to "figure it all out".

Goals for 2011

I have a few goals for 2011:

The first being, not to be pregnant (after Sullivan comes of course)...not to sound harsh but I do not think that it's fair to my husband or family to go through another 10 months of absolute sickliness.

I also want to live in the moment. I have gotten really bad at constantly looking forward to the next thing...and the next thing. I really want to work on being content.

I want to get down to a size 10. It shouldn't be too hard and should just take a little self control and motivation on my part. I think living down town is going to help A LOT with being more active. I want to get to a size ten because all my prettiest clothes are in that size;-)

I want to take time each day to intentionally PLAY with my boys. I find myself trying to keep Barclay occupied each day so I can get a, b or c done. I really want to take time to sit down and play with him.

Other than that, I just want to have a healthy baby boy that isn't born too early:-)