I am scared to blog because of all the whiney, unpleasant things that might spew from my finger tips. But I just cannot hold it in any longer.

I am so frustrated. I wish there were a word for REALLY REALLY REALLY frustrated because that is the word that I would use in this instance.

Last night I went to the hospital (again), but this time it was because I thought I was in labor. Not because my midwives made me go in because I was having more than four contractions an hour. I have been having contractions 2-4 minutes apart off and on since Christmas...mostly on. They are driving me insane. But at least they weren't painful...more like uncomfortable and annoying. Well the past few days have felt exactly like the days leading up to Barclay's delivery. A little bit of swelling in my hands, an overwhelming tiredness, and a lot of pressure. Tuesday I went in and they actually thought I was in labor my contractions were so strong and close together and I was starting to whimper and moan through them. I was told I was nearly 2 cm, but not quite, and that the head was right there.

Yesterday after barely being able to get out of bed all day, I had the urge to walk...so we went to our ghetto mall and walked for about an hour. Then I got home and started reeeallly hurting. I bathed, tried to watch a movie, bounced and swayed on the birthing ball...and they kept getting stronger and stronger. Now remember I have had contractions for 6 WEEKS and have not yet gone in because I thought I was in labor, but last night I hurriedly packed my bags, had my sister paint my toe nails (you know the really important things;-) and Noah and I got to the ER about 1 am.

After whimpering and moaning through several contractions, they checked me. Just 1 cm. I wanted to die. Not only was I not in labor, I had gone backwards from a few days before. My poor exhausted husband was falling asleep and wasn't so happy with me for dragging him to the hospital for "nothing".

I cried the entire hour they monitored me, I cried for two hours when I got home, and I've cried off and on all day.

*How am I supposed to know when to go to the hospital? When the baby's head is outside of me? I mean really, I can't go when contractions get closer together, I can't even go when they are painful...

The very "helpful" nurse acted out a senario for which I should come in. This included lots of violent jolting and twitching on the ground.

Greeeeat.

*I know it isn't true. I know it isn't possible. But I honestly do not believe I will ever have this baby. I cannot imagine it. I cannot fathom that one of these times I will go to the hospital, they will let me stay, and I will have a baby. It seems so silly but I truly cannot imagine it. And I think that's not too good for me, since I want to have a natural water birth...if I can't even imagine that it's possible.

*I am so tired of being so freaking sensitive and weak. I know my husband loves me but his patience is wearing thin (and I don't blame him). I am tired not being able to FUNCTION. I still have a very disorganized house. And everyone wants to help me...but they really can't. I need to figure out my own systems. I need to figure out where to put stuff. I'm tired of people coming over and shoving things in random closets and drawers to try to help. I'm tired of being the one people feel sorry for.

I have this vision of myself this summer, and I like it. I see a girl who is strong, who is able to help others, who is able to focus time and energy on her two boys. A woman who is fun, active, organized, THIN;-). I want to be there so badly. I want to feel like myself again. I want to feel like I'm not always taking from every single person.

I want to reply, "GREAT!" when someone asks me how I am doing.

*I can't help it but after the recent 6 weeks, I think it would be irresposible of me to get pregnant again. I love children, I love some aspectsof being pregnant (ie kicks and looking pregnant). But I don't think it is fair to my family to be totally out of commission for 10 months.

That makes me really sad because I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy as if it is my last...but how can I when I hurt. all. the. time.

*I have a feeling...a very strong feeling...despite other strong feelings that lead me the other way, that I am going to be hurting until I am 41 weeks.

Ok so this is so whiney and pathetic for me to write all this out, but I have exhausted my dear friends and family with my first hand whining so I had to resort to this.

Please please please pray for me. Pray for my patience, for my comfort, and especially for my husband.