Monday, January 3, 2011

Staying Pregnant

This was NOT my problem with Barclay. In fact I think I did everything in the book to not be pregnant and yet he was still 9 days late.

This baby is trying to come early though and I don't know quite what to think about it. On the one hand, my body is ready to not be pregnant anymore. I have been pregnant almost the entire year (miscarriage included). I feel like I have felt like crap every day this year and I am SO tired of puking and feeling awful. It would be wonderful if for once, when someone asks me how I'm doing...I don't feel like spurting out, "I feel so terrible!"

On the other hand, if I deliver this early (I am nearly 33 weeks) I will have to deliver in the big hospital far away, with doctors I don't know (instead of my sweet midwives at our local hospital). I know I probably wont be able to nurse Sullivan for a while and Barclay wouldn't be able to visit immediately.

I am VERY thankful that I didn't deliver 2 weeks ago and that I am past the 32 week mark.

I also don't want to get it in my head that I will deliver early because I don't want to think the baby could come ANY time and he end up being late and so for 9 weeks I'm thinking that the baby is coming.

I promised myself after Barclay was born that with the next baby I would expect to be late and so I wouldn't waste so many weeks just waiting around. But I don't want to be stupid and not prepare myself for an early delivery...Sigh. I was trying to avoid the ridiculous is he coming now? Is he coming tomorrow? Stuff. I just want to be semi organized in our new house and enjoy my last few weeks with Barclay as my one and only baby.

Yesterday I really felt off. Not only did I spill my water in between my legs during church (you should have seen the looks I got!), but halfway through the service my hands and ankles turned bright red and swelled up. My hands and feet didn't swell a bit with B until the last two days. I had to lay down to stop contractions, get the feeling back in my limbs and keep from passing out. I called my mom to come get Barclay for the day and I laid down ALL DAY LONG. Flat on my back except for the 25 times I had to pee. Every time I got up contractions started again.

I also felt this weird feeling I had the day I went into labor with Barclay. Almost like a big inhale before an exhale. I felt panicky but also like I HAD to rest.

At risk for being dramatic (and wrong) I will say that my heart is telling me that Sullivan will be here in the next two weeks. I hope I am wrong, but I don't know...I also know God's timing is perfect and whenever I get to meet him will be the right time.

I am just going a little bit nuts trying to "figure it all out".


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