Nothing. Nothing sounds good to me. Not Popsicles, not chicken soup, not ginger ale, not crackers, not a single thing.
Here's what sounds good to me. Take me to a hospital, put me in a coma for the next two months, hook me up to an IV, and put a warm blanket on top, and somehow let me not miss a moment of my ever growing and changing son.
I've been thinking a lot about the saying, "It takes a Village to raise a child." I'm finding that to be very true of my child lately.
With feeling so poorly and being so tired and sickly, my family has really stepped up to the plate. All my sisters (except the one in CA, who I know would if she could) have come over numerous times to just serve and minister to me. My 12 year old sister, spent the night one night and folded all my laundry, helped me go through bills, prepared food for Noah, and woke up at 6 with Barclay. My 17 year old sister has gone grocery shopping for me twice and babysat, even though she works like four jobs. My 21 year old sister has come over, after cleaning, cooking, and caring for the 5 kids she nannies for, and cooked and cleaned my house. One night she stayed up till after midnight doing dishes for me.
My mother in law has come over so I could sleep in. My mother has kept Barclay and cooked me soup and listen to me cry over and over. My father in law has kept Barclay too many times to count.
I seriously don't know how I would make it through this very rough patch without them. What do people do without families who care enough about them to sacrifice of themselves to help you out?
The only thing is, next time we think about adding a new baby to the mix, instead of just deciding between Noah and I we should probably check that it's a good time for the many people who will be helping us for the months to come.
I haven't blogged in forever because I have been feeling so terrible. So awful that I don't even feel like talking, writing, updating.
I'm just so spent and tired by 8 am, I can't believe I make it the rest of the day.
But I did want to pinch myself and make myself sit at the computer and record today's lovely happening:-)
I went to my midwifery for an early ultrasound today. I've been so ill that I wasn't too worried, but the closer it actually got the more feelings and memories started rushing back to me. It was like I was reliving it a little bit again. The shock and disbelief of finding out a pregnancy that I wanted so much wasn't going to work out.
It was wonderful today to find a baby and a heart beat within seconds. There it was. My baby. At 9 weeks on an older machine, there isn't a whole lot to oogle over. But I was so thankful for that little squiggly blob with a beating heart.
I remember after the DandC, staring at picture after picture on facebook or blogs of ultrasounds. Healthy ultrasounds with growth and movement. One in particular I remember someone posting... "Here's our little blob" I wanted to scream and shout, "I would give ANYTHING for a blob!!!". So here I am several months later, celebrating the sweet little blob inside of me.
After getting home, I had the sudden urge to play in the sprinklers with Barclay. There is something so magical about sprinklers. It's like life is in slow motion and every thing is beautiful. I suddenly remembered in the middle of playing that after the ultrasound that confirmed we weren't going to be having any babies this April, I played in the sprinkler with Barclay, tears streaming down my face. I remember exactly how I felt then. It was pretty special to compare the joy in my heart today with the weight and sadness of my heart that day.
So here is my little Sweet Pea. I must say, this picture freaks me out a little bit. The baby was moving around and was all blurry, when all of a sudden, it stopped and looked at us and was still for a while. Can you see the eyes and mouth? I mean, it looks fake doesn't it? Like I just drew it in? Well I didn't! That is a for real smile from our little sweet pea. It makes me laugh so much! It just looks like a little cartoon!
I've been really having some serious feelings of guilt come over me the past 4 weeks. When I'm pregnant (and I can say this because I've been pregnant 3 times!), I feel like I constantly have the flu and the stomach bug. I feel cranky, tired...like fall asleep brushing my teeth type of tired, and I puke all the time at the drop of a hat.
As much as I LOVE being a mother, things like changing diapers, running outside in the heat, FEEDING him and fighting with him to get him to eat...all those things are not things I want to do! I know I sound like a 2 year old but I simply want to quit...for the next couple weeks. I want to not have to think about anything, I want to sleep all the way through the night, I want to sleep in, I want to have a moment to myself to even process what's going on with me.
All this is to say that I feel so guilty for not loving Barclay enough. I feel guilty for feeding him nothing but hotdogs for 2 weeks. I feel guilty for never dressing him. I feel guilty tuning his wining and crying out, for not being as excited as I should be at his little discoveries, for not taking him outside to explore more, for not soaking up every second of the last couple months of his babiness.
I feel guilty for not doing laundry, not cleaning, not cooking, for eating a lot of take out (pretty much avacado rolls were the ONLY thing I could keep down for a while there), for not being able to handle pretty much anything other than the bare necessities mentally. I feel guilty for making Noah get up almost every morning because I know the second my feet hit the floor, I will start feeling awful.
I love this little sweet pea in my belly and sometimes I want to sit around, be sick and just think about it. I want to be selfish.
But I'm also a mother to Barclay and a wife to Noah. And I'm doing a pretty poor job of it lately. I already feel like I'm splitting my attention with Barclay and the new baby. And as much as I love and wanted and prayed for this new baby, I feel a little resentful deep down in my heart. I'm sad that it's summer time and I cannot muster up the energy to be a good mom to Barclay. I'm sad that Barclay is growing up so fast. I'm just sad I cannot be all or do all.
This morning we were running late and even considered skipping church. We had a number of excuses up our sleeve:
-I was puking
-Barclay had been up half the night
-We were like an hour behind in everything
-I have done minimal laundry since the dreaded morning sickness had hit and we had limited choices for clothes to wear...very limited.
-Our regular pastor wasn't preaching
-Several of our good friends who go to our church were out of town.
-I felt like death warmed over...Noah felt like death warmed over.
-Barclay was covered in raspberry remnants
We decided we still wanted to push through and go. I even decided to curl my hair and put on a little makeup! Wonder of wonders, since I usually go to church with my hair soaking wet from my shower 20 minutes earlier. I was feeling pretty proud of myself, like I had it all together...When I realized that I had forgotten shoes! So I attended church, downtown, barefooted...and pregnant, with a baby on my hip:-)
I was so tickled because my grandmother was known for going places and forgetting to bring her shoes all the time. I've been missing her so much lately, and It was so comforting to know that I carry some of her spunk inside of me:-)
I grew up the oldest of 5 girls. Growing up, I felt like my little sisters were my babies. I would rock them, hold them, feed them, love them...it never stopped. I still feel that way and most of them are all grown up!:-)
I love each one in their own personal way. Each one is so deep and special in a way that is their own.
Julianna. The middle of us five girls. The thoughtful one. The methodical one. The dreamer. She was always the princess in our games. She was always draped over a chair with her eyes glazed over...dreaming about her prince charming. She was a hopeless romantic and the cutest little serious thing you've ever seen. You would often find her in some sort of silky night gown dancing around the house and singing her little heart out.
After watching our parents go through a heartbreaking divorce and not having a dad around, I watched as Julianna's belief in romance and happily ever afters dissipated. After a few years it was gone. She had no hope in men. I remember hearing her go on and on about how physically sick thinking about loving a boy would make her. She would express disgust in the prospect of marriage. I told her time and again that when she found the right person, she would change her mind. "No! Never!" She would say. She grew up so beautifully but part of her heart was so protected, and there was a hardness there. She wanted to be independent and make her own decisions. She didn't need a boy to make her happy.
Then Drew happened...
In the past year and a half I have been witness to the most beautiful process of Julianna falling in love, finding forgiveness, finding grace and mercy and compassion. I've seen her be transformed and made an even more beautiful creature simply by opening her heart. I know it sounds cheesy but it seriously has been like watching a rose bloom. I emailed and talked with her for hours and hours about her fears and concerns and worries. But in the end she decided to trust not only Drew, but God.
Last Friday I snuck down to Charleston SC to photograph this man of her dreams proposing to her! I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world as I secretly watched them walk out to the ocean, arms intertwined. I squealed with joy as he got down on one knee and even from so far away, I could just FEEL Julianna's heart beating as she danced around with happiness.
Today I watched as my beautiful sister tried on wedding gowns. One in particular brought out a sweet, shy, exuberant smile. Her eyes glistened with romance and she was jumping up and down on her perfectly pointed toes. I just cried as I saw that sweet little girl I have loved for her whole life, overflowing with gratefulness and love.
About a year ago I wrote about the horrible morning sickness I had with Barclay and how I coped with it. With this pregnancy, I have to add one more essential to the list of ways to cope...adult diapers. No I haven't bought any yet, but man, I guess I haven't done enough kegels since birthing a baby because every single time I puke (you know...in the car, standing in the kitchen, at the grocery store) I pee. It's just plain embarrassing!
And another word of friendly advice...don't google image search adult diapers.
I wish a could swallow a rag to sop up all the acid in my tummy making me so nauseated! I can say with great certainty that I am about 5x's sicker than last pregnancy...which is good. I had forgotten how bad the nausea really is... It's worth it. It's worth it. It's worth it.
Can I just say how excited and giddy I am to be having a baby? I can't help but think about it every moment of every day. Even with the nagging feeling of fear in the back of my head I cannot contain my excitement and planning for this little one. It always shocks me that every one else in the world isn't always thinking about it too!
All I can think of right now is a little girl. I want to name her Lucy. I want to decorate her nursery in yellow and grey. I want to stock it with all the books I loved to read growing up...Anne of Green Gables, Little Women, Little House on the Prairie...
Every time I pass the little girl section in a stores, my heart just zones in on the precious tiny dresses and shoes. I imagine a little girl who will curl up in her daddy's lap and look up at him with her big brown eyes. I imagine a girl with dark brown curls that fall into her eyes.
A sweet little Lucy...
*Of course a would adore a little Sullivan too:-) Little boys are the best...I should know;-)