I haven't blogged in forever because I have been feeling so terrible. So awful that I don't even feel like talking, writing, updating.

I'm just so spent and tired by 8 am, I can't believe I make it the rest of the day.

But I did want to pinch myself and make myself sit at the computer and record today's lovely happening:-)

I went to my midwifery for an early ultrasound today. I've been so ill that I wasn't too worried, but the closer it actually got the more feelings and memories started rushing back to me. It was like I was reliving it a little bit again. The shock and disbelief of finding out a pregnancy that I wanted so much wasn't going to work out.

It was wonderful today to find a baby and a heart beat within seconds. There it was. My baby. At 9 weeks on an older machine, there isn't a whole lot to oogle over. But I was so thankful for that little squiggly blob with a beating heart.

I remember after the DandC, staring at picture after picture on facebook or blogs of ultrasounds. Healthy ultrasounds with growth and movement. One in particular I remember someone posting... "Here's our little blob" I wanted to scream and shout, "I would give ANYTHING for a blob!!!". So here I am several months later, celebrating the sweet little blob inside of me.

After getting home, I had the sudden urge to play in the sprinklers with Barclay. There is something so magical about sprinklers. It's like life is in slow motion and every thing is beautiful. I suddenly remembered in the middle of playing that after the ultrasound that confirmed we weren't going to be having any babies this April, I played in the sprinkler with Barclay, tears streaming down my face. I remember exactly how I felt then. It was pretty special to compare the joy in my heart today with the weight and sadness of my heart that day.

So here is my little Sweet Pea. I must say, this picture freaks me out a little bit. The baby was moving around and was all blurry, when all of a sudden, it stopped and looked at us and was still for a while. Can you see the eyes and mouth? I mean, it looks fake doesn't it? Like I just drew it in? Well I didn't! That is a for real smile from our little sweet pea. It makes me laugh so much! It just looks like a little cartoon!