Saturday, February 27, 2010

Being a Housewife.

I seriously don't even know how that looks: To be a good housewife.

My goal when I wake up every morning is not, how can I make it appear that I did nothing but sit on my rear and watch Oprah all day.
It isn't to have my husband come home to a crumb and squished banana infested home.
I don't want to be this way!

No. Every morning I have good intentions about organizing more, simplifying more, brushing my hair, playing with Barclay, have dinner hot and ready and delicious and sparkling home that is warm and inviting. That is my goal every single day...Oh and to exercise...but that's a different topic.

But every day about 9 am, I feel like I can't do it. Like my day is ruined because the past 2 hours I have done nothing but feed and clean and feed and clean and it doesn't look any different. I'm tired already and I still have 12 more hours in which to fail.

Yesterday day there were cracker crumbs all over the carpet. I vaccummed them twice! And last night, Noah looked down at more cracker crumbs and inquired why I had not clean them.

This is hard work. The monotony, the unpredictability. The constant balancing of everything. I feel like a juggler.

I swear on the days I have set aside to really work hard and get stuff done, those are the days Barclay is especially clingy and fussy, or someone needs my help, or some sort of emergency happens.

In a day I want to:
Not just keep Barclay alive...but engage him and play with him.
Keep my home clean and organized.
Plan for meals.
Grocery shop for meals.
Cook the meals and prepare for them.
Clean up from the meals.
Bath and keep Barclay clean...Oh and myself.
And ENJOY life. Enjoy being a mother, enjoying being alive! Enjoy friendships!

I know that every human being has to do this every why am I finding it an impossible task?

I hate doing things I can't check off as "well done!". And these daily tasks of laundry, dishes, diapers, cooking...they are never done. And it seems like when I attend to one part of the house that desperately needs work...the other parts are overtaken with mess.

Something I've really learned this past year is that life is cyclical. It is never never "reach it".

In being a Christian...
(How many times have I had an ah ha moment and realized either that I need to put my trust in the Lord, or that it is impossible to find satisfaction with out him. But the very next day...I have to learn it all over again.)

In being a wife...
(How many days do I finally feel like I'm making enough time to love Noah in his special love language way. How many times do I feel like we are doing great and are so in love...only the very next day to feel defeated and discouraged and frankly, not like even liking that person!)

As a Mother...
(Just when I feel like we're setting in a groove and getting a nice schedule on...he gets sick...or starts teething...or we take a trip...and on and on and on it goes. Just when I empty out the diaper pail and the smell of week old diapers leaves the house...I change another one.)

It's discouraging and frankly makes someone like me (an all or nothing type) just want to quit, because no matter how hard I's only going to need working tomorrow.

BUT I have the hope that when I go to heaven, I can spend eternity rejoicing in the fact that "it is finished."

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Web Site

I forgot to let all my blog readers know about my new web site for my photography business. Check out



I am SO gullible. I am a sucker for every advertisement and every commercial. I have almost gotten scammed too many times to count. I guess I just have a very trusting nature.

"Noah! This man wants to give us free tickets to Jamaica if we just buy 5 magazines!"

You know, stuff like that...

Thankfully I have a very wise and patient husband who steers me in the right direction.

Yesterday I was on Facebook and saw an ad for a free Mac Mineral makeup kit. I don't even wear makeup, but I clicked it. It just asked for some info, so I entered it. I was so glad it wasn't a scam! Then it said, just fill out info for one I chose Blockbuster because it didn't require a credit card number...then just one more...then just one more...then just one more. Every time I'm like, this is for real! But then the last screen (and the "final" step) was you had to give you credit card to 3 different companies.
Ugh! Not only did I not get that wonderful mineral makeup...I wasted so much time.

And I have gotten about 30 junk mail in my inbox and gotten several soliciting calls on my phone.

Oh Helen Joy...when will you ever learn!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


I've been carrying these around for 6 days...just waiting on the inevitable.


But don't get too excited, because according to 5 of these:


One of these:

I am most certainly not with child.

And even with 6 confirmations of my un with childness...I still have that glimmer of hope. Because my period isn't here and I've never been a day late ever...except of course with Barclay.
Plus, my boobs are so swollen I can barely put my arms down. But those tests don't lie.

My mind has thought of every possibility, and my fingers have googled every phrase I can think of...

And still I wait. Let's please get this show on the road.


I'm pretty bummed out today and confused. Really confused. But I will say that this little cutie makes everything so worth it.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Random Thoughts about the Winter Olympics

*Wow there are so many gorgeous people! Compare to the summer olympics, a great deal of gorgeous people! Maybe it's all the fresh air they get. Or how the cold air flushes their cheeks...

*There are really weird sports out there...
The biathalon (sking and shooting)

*The snow boards crack me up. It's like it's no big deal to them. They are so chill, listening to their ipods and singing out loud.

*Ice dancing should have started out with the free skate because man I almost wrote it off after watching the original dances...the country dances were just wrong.
I did watch last night and there were some beautiful moments.

*I always think 4 years ahead...
When I was 12, I remember 12 years I'll be old! Now I'm thinking that next Winter Olympics I'll be 28 which is my husband's current age...and he's old.

*I cry at LEAST 3 times a night during the olympics.

*Growing up I was POSITIVE I was going to compete in the olympics in Gymnastics. I used to "sell" my autograph which read:
"Helen Joy Paul...future olympian"
I'm running out of time though!

*Tonight is my favorite event ever...the women's figure skating!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The dripping pants

I'm linking up to My Blessed Life's Friday Fails...

In a week full of what felt like failures, I topped it off yesterday with one that is blog worthy. I mean, it was bad!
Noah has been scheduled to attend a conference in New Orleans for months and a week ago he started asking me to pack for him. Every day he'd ask me...and every day I would say I would do it. Men are easy to pack for and he only has a limited amount of clothes...basically four khaki pants and 7 polo shirts.
So the night before he left, we had friends over for dominos and he kept bugging me about it. He was supposed to get an award and was feeling nervous about it. I kept telling him not to worry, I would do it...
That night I put all 4 pairs of his pants in the you see where this is going???
In my mind, I put them into the drier, but not actually. The next morning at 5 am, when I go to get his pants to put in the suitcase...I was horrified to find them still dripping wet. And Noah had NOTHING else to wear. And his flight was in an hour and a half...and we still had to drive 30 minutes...
My heart sunk! And I started crying! Noah...wasn't surprised:-( But I will say he gave me so much grace (which I did not deserve!). But I knew he was so frustrated and I only added to it. He put on some dirty pants he usually hikes in, and I folded the wet pants and stuck them in a garbage bag.
Poor thing had to hang them in his bathroom to dry just to be able to wear something suitable.
How do I manage to do these things?!?!

Thursday, February 18, 2010


I feel like all I have accomplished this week is figuring out how to tell the difference between the cream filled and the chocolate filled candy in the Russle Stovers box of chocolates...and eating them:-/

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

My Day in Court

About six weeks ago, I was driving on the looong stretch of one one lane country road I take every day to get into "town". I was enjoying some music and some non crying time from the baby in the back. All of a sudden I hear a siren. I look behind me and notice a policeman. I pulled over, expecting him to pass me and...he pulled in right behind me.
He was a handsome, young policeman. He came to my window. At this point I was so shocked, I didn't have time to cry or anything!
He said, "Ma'am? What's wrong with you?" -in a good country drawl.
Me, "Uhhhh nothing?"
blah blah blah all the ticket stuff.
He comes back with a ticket (notice that it is now too late to make any excuses).
He keeps shaking his head at me and says.
"Ma'am. I don't understand it. I know you're stressed with a baby and all. I've got two of them myself. But I clocked you at 62 in a 50 turned around, and put my lights on. I followed you for a mile and in that mile you sped up to 65! You had to have seen me!"
Blank stare and I'm starting to feel stupid.
I should have said that my rear view was positioned down so I could see the baby...but no I was too chicken to talk!

" Ma'am. I just want you to be safe, and to make the roads safe. Going that speed, you could kill a granny walking to get her mail, or hit a child coming off the bus...I just want you to be careful! You've got some precious cargo back there!

Waaaaaa....I started bawling. And saying, "Thank you so much for giving me a ticket! Thank you so much for giving me a ticket!"

I think he was scared! Ha!

Fast forward 6 weeks and it's finally come to my day in court. The dreaded day. In my head, I was going to have to go before a jury and take an oat and sit in the witness stand...

I went to lunch with my sweet friend Emily who is overdue and and over pregnancy. We had a sweet time (well, in between cleaning up epic messes from our boys:-). Somewhere in Chick fil a, I dropped a check that I needed to cash that day.

I get in the car (which gets messier by the day) and look for it everywhere. No where to be found. Go back in and check the garbage. No where. So I have to call this lady and ask her to put a hold on it. She informs me she has to go into town to the bank to do it and it cost $15:-( So I felt awful about that. Then I realize that my ticket, with all the info on it is gone too. I looked and looked. Tried to drive home to check there but didn't have enough time.

Right before getting out of the car, I scratch a scab on my face which was from Barclay scratching me to begin with. It bleeds everywhere! All over my face, on my eyes, on my clothes. Thankfully I had wart band aids in the glove compartment. Thankfully I was smart enough to remove the medicated part of the band aid.

I rushed to the courthouse, which was a MAZE! Thankful a toothless biker guy helped me. All this time I was carrying Barclay on my hip (WHAT was I thinking?!). I think I thought I could get sympathy or something? Instead I felt sorry for myself.

Went through security. It's hot, there are a lot of INTERESTING people around. If I had not been so trying to keep up with my toddler, I would have thoroughly enjoyed people watching. All around me little snippets of "my fourth DIU...I hope they don't throw me in jail..." It was weird being with a mass of people who were in trouble. And so was I.
I will say that Barclay brought a lot of JOY to everyone! It was sweet to see people who were mad and pissed off smiling at him.
Right before we go into the courtroom, Barclay exploded in his diaper. I had been just waiting all day for it. I then tried to find the bathroom (did I mention it was HOT in there?). The policeman told me to go there...and pointed to a wall. I must have looked so stupid because I was trying to get this wall to open. It had hinges, it had a bathroom sign. But no door knob. I tried and tried and got really frustrated. I asked the police again (and they weren't too patient), he freaked out and sent me AROUND the wall to the very obvious bathroom. I think it was a gun closet or something I was trying to open.

After cleaning B up I rushed outside and poured into the courtroom. We had to wait a while and it took everyone forever to figure out the flow of things. During this time, Barclay was fussing and trying to run away and screaming and laughing. I'm tyring to keep him quiet with my poorly prepared diaper bag.
"Barclay, look how cool this hand sanitizer bottle is! You can put it in your cup, you can roll it on the floor..."
Finally he learned that sucking on the top of his sippy cup without the bottom on it, resulted in funny noises. And...everyone kept looking at me.

Then we stand in line and Barclay is freaking out. So what do I do? I flip his sippy cup over and start playing the drum on it and I started dancing in front of 300 people. Whatever it took.
Got my ticket and I feel really ready for a nap at this point. Go to pay it, and I had to have cash (who carries $160 of cash around? Smart people, that's who). Had to go put B in the car seat and he is maaad. Go the bank where I take out the cash then go back and get out of thec ar with the sleeping baby (basically it was a power nap wasted!), go pay it.

Long ordeal and I'm glad it's over.

Moral of the story...don't speed.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

New Blog

I figured out how to do a free blog design. I think it's precious!

Mom, Don't read this!

Today I was reminiscing about my early, blushing bride days. I got married at the innocent age of 19. That first summer, I wanted to be all a wife could be. I cooked and cleaned and made coffee. And one day, after my friends (who weren't married) convincing me, I decided to entertain my husband with a Ok ok ok, a strip tease. I was embarrassed just thinking about it, and those who know me know that doesn't happen easily. It was the sole fact that I had to be SERIOUS about it that frightened me.
Now I can dance. I love to dance! But my dances are more of the...interpretive type? So I had a very good friend show me how to "try" to move my hips. After the lesson she handed me a burnt CD of rap songs. Because she knew that my CD case was filled with Josh Groban, Enya, and Violin Concertos.
So on "The Big Day", I practiced and practiced a routine to my newly burned CD. I didn't think this could be serious, but I was going to try and seduce my husband!
Noah gets home, I immediately sit him on the couch and tell him not to laugh. I turn on the music...I close my eyes and just start. After a few minutes, and a few articles of clothing removed, I was feeling good. I had made it past the silly stage and was cruising to a very happy ending. All of a sudden, at the climax of my performance, I grabbed onto our mantle and............................... it wasn't attached and came crashing down on me; an almost naked me. That crash of all our glass vases, picture frames, and such woke me up from my dancing stupor. I realized how silly I looked and how stupid it was for me to try to do this. I ran in the bathroom, sat on the toilet and cried on the phone to my friend. Both her and Noah were laughing for about an hour. And after an hour to feel sorry for myself and my failed attempt at seduction...I laughed too.
It is now my favorite story ever:-)

Ok, mom, I know you read. Just don't bring it up in front of me ok?


My word, since Barclay started walking a week and half ago, pretty much every single hour we have a trauma. I cannot believe how much he falls and smacks his poor little face. Today I was trying to take a bath while watching him. I had a student coming to take violin lessons and I was running late. The poor guy smacked his face into the toilet and screamed for 15 minutes. So I ended up teaching a lesson with soap still dried on me.
The pediatrician summed it up at our 1 year check up:
"If this child makes it to 2 years without some major medical emergency, then you are one lucky woman!"

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Sweet Random Nothings in your Ear

I'm at that point where my brain is so overwhelmed with all the things I want to blog about, that I don't even want to blog anymore. So I'm just going to write...if it makes sense, GREAT:-), if not, just skip it.

*I've been thinking about Prayer a lot. Since I wrote that post last Monday, when they thought my Grandfather was going to die. I've realized how much I really do pray. I pray pretty much all day long.
I realized that I thank God and praise him probably more than I ask for things (which I think is good).
I pray for wisdom A LOT.
I pray for God to show His peace to people a lot.
That sort of stuff.

I guess I just have a problem with the big, black and white prayers. Especially since I believe in God's will. I don't try to change God's mind, because I know it's made up.

*The High Chair.

I know I keep talking about it:-) But I don't care!
I have pretty much made a thousand bad decisions about baby products this past year. A pregnant friend recently asked for a list of what they needed. I would better provide a list of what not to get.
Anyhow, I was fully prepared to fail again and buy something that wasn't practical or good.
But I didn't! I cannot tell you how practical and great this high chair is. It is a little smaller than most, but I think it's great because Barclay is right up next to the tray, which makes eating easier. It is REALLY heavy duty (I was worried it would be IKEA quality). I am almost positive this chair will last us through our many children I hope to have.
And the kicker...Barclay made a huge mess at dinner (probably because he was mad he couldn't wiggle out of this seat!). What used to take me about 5-7 minutes to clean. Took less than 10 seconds. Easy, fast...lovely!
I'm so happy and I want everyone to know:-)

*I realize that I have no idea how to write with out the smiley or sad faced emoticons :-) :-(

*I changed my blog to lime green because every time I signed in I realized how old those pictures were! I want to do something different, and simple but I seriously have no idea how to do it. Other than having it professionally done, any one have any easy web sites to point me to?

*There's something big in my life right now that I can't talk about. I'll talk about it soon hopefully but, It makes me have writers block because that's all that's on my mind.

*I sat in the bathtub for 40 minutes with Barclay and we blew bubbles. I can't wait till it's warm enough to do it outside.

*I had some pretty awful bubble mix. One out of every blow worked. I almost called customer service.

*Speaking of customer service. I've really started seeing the value in making sure I get what I pay for. I bought some Gap jeans this summer from a Gap outlet. They stretched so much from the time you put them on, to one hour later, that I could remove them without unzipping. I called customer service, and they sent me a free jeans coupon for any GAP jeans up to $80!
Today I took back some yoga pants to Old Navy that were terrible! I only washed them twice and they were falling apart. I paid full price for them! ($22) and was so disappointed! They gave me my money back even though I had no receipt.

*I think my husband may be a tad depressed. He works non stop and SO hard. He is constantly trying to be better (he's a realtor) and think ahead and reach his goals. I'm SO proud of him. He was the number one realtor in his office last year! But in real estate, there are just bad months. This has been a bad year so far. Not as far as possibilities but as far as things happening. There are so many things in the pipe line (thank the LORD!), but nothing is happening. It's discouraging and stressful. I hate to see him like this.

*Every day I have the same goals:
Get the Christmas tree off the front porch
Clean our Room
Redo my web site (for photography)

and the days come and go in one big blur.

*I'm sort of in mourning for the baby stage of Barclay's life. He's grown up SO much in the past 2 weeks and I feel like I've lost my baby...and gained a crazy toddler.

He doesn't want to be held ever! And if he does let me hold him, he sneakily bites my neck or arm.
He doesn't ever sit still and just snuggle.
What do I expect, he's an active, curious boy!

The thing that I keep going back to over and over throughout the day is how sad I am to be done breastfeeding. (Well it's been done for a while). I still try to see if he'll nurse and he'll have nothing to do with it. It breaks my heart that it's over. I hate not having that comforting, soothing bond with him. Especially now that he's walking, he falls and hurts himself several times a day. I have nothing to comfort him with like I used to.

Thankfully, I fully believe that God will bless me with more little ones, but I can't help but feel sad for an era gone by.

*I NEED TO GET MOVING. GET ACTIVE. Am I the only one who watches biggest loser and feels the need to eat more?

*I have the cutest baby in the world. I seriously can't believe how cute he is! I spend my days capturing these memories and storing them in my heart.

Thanks for listening! ( if you made it this far).

Can I have a REDO?

Barclay's first birthday party was...disappointing.

Of course it had to start snowing, icing, right when the party was supposed to start.

Most of the people we invited didn't come (and I understand why)

Some people did come and I was so grateful (but the people that did come had to rush off so as not to get stuck in the snow).

I had planned and planned and decorated and imagined what his first little birthday was going to be like. And it was a blur. I can't remember it. And the thing that makes me want to cry my eyes out...I didn't even take the time (or have the time) to correctly check settings on my camera. So almost no pictures turned out.

I did dinner, cake, and presents in about 20 minutes.

I was going through pictures to post and got really sad because I don't like any of them:-(

Can I have a redo?

It's here....!!!

I'll let you know how it works....I hope it's all I imagined it to be:-)

Monday, February 8, 2010

3 Things

There are three things that frustrate me several times a day, to the point where I dread when I come in contact with them. I actually visually become frustrated and sometimes yell and cry.

#1. My bathtub drain doesn't work.

It's not filled with hair, the actually drain stripped and will not stay up to drain. I takes about 5 minutes and then it will catch enough to drain. Then usually at the end, it releases and stops the last remaining water from draining.
I will admit that I take AT LEAST 1 bath a day. I have only showered 2 times in my house and it was more to have a conversation with my busy husband than it was to actually get clean. I LIVE in the bathtub. I cry in it, pout in it, imagine in it, cry in it, CRY IN IT, CRY IN IT. It's my drug of choice. But every time I have a wonderful nice bath, I end it in a bad mood because the drain won't drain. I bought a replacement drain but in order to get it replaced I have to use tools...which I am dangerous with.

I have found the solution to this frustrating situation. I stuck the clear plastic piece off the top of my new deodorant under the drain and it stays up. So this clear plastic protective deodorant thingy sits proudly next to my tub and I don't get frustrated anymore!

#2.My rug corners turn up and I cannot get them down.

I have tried ironing,
Duct taping,

They will not go down. Any one have solution to this problem?

#3.Meal time with Barclay.

This is beyond the most frustrating part of my day ( and it takes place 3 times a day).

Barclay insists on using utensils to eat. He refuses to let us feed him. This means lots of messes and very little eating. Recently he discovered he could stand up in the high chair. We were given the high chair and it's worked great till now. It doesn't have straps to keep him in. I also detest cleaning the highchair. I have actually resorted to Goo Be Gone as a common household cleaner. (Don't worry, I use soap and water afterwards so I don't have to contact poison control). I hate scrubbing it and all it's cracks and crevices. I stopped using the cloth cover months ago, but 3 times a day...It's horribly frustrating. Not much I can do about my strong willed child. I did decide to purchase my dream high chair.

I don't think I've ever wanted, drooled, researched something so much as this.
Not only is it BEAUTIFUL, it is functional. There is no cloth to have to wash, no cracks or crevices to have to scrape food out of. The hydraulic lift is just a plus;-).

I KNOW it's extravagant. I KNOW I could have gotten one for a quarter of the cost. But I figured. 3 times a day for more than a year, times the 3-4 kids we want....that is a LOT of frustrating meal times.
I sold some jewelry I no longer wore, I traded in some stuff, I used coupons and discount codes, and some birthday money...and I finally ordered it!!!

I HOPE HOPE HOPE it fulfills my dreams:-) And makes meal time a little more luxurious:-)
I'll let you know if it's worth it!

Virtual Throw Up

OK. It's been a week since I've posted. And what a week it's been. We had a major ice storm and we were out of power for 3 days. And our internet has been down for 4. I seriously have written about 50 blog posts in my head...I'm going to be careful not to "throw up" on you with all my emotions and thoughts. Hopefully I can spread it all out over the next week. But man it's good to be back!!!
I got home last night and was cheerfully doing laundry and dishes. I was so glad to be back in my home.
I was telling Noah last night that this year has just been terrible. It was a horrible start. I feel like we have either been sick, snowed in, iced out, out of power, dealing with trauma or crisis, or sick again. I mean it has been one thing after the other. I have yet to have a "normal" productive week. Or a week where I actually felt like I accomplished something.

Here's a bullet point list of what I want to blog about...might not get to it, but I'll try:

-The well of emotions because my baby turned 1 on Thursday. That post was going to be long, drawn out and full of my lovesickness for my baby. You might be spared the full brunt of it, but oh my word, the emotions were just crazy.

-Barclay started walking. I mean everywhere. The child doesn't even crawl anymore.

-Things that frustrate me.

-My exciting purchase!!!!(Which I cannot shut up about)

-Sin nature coming forth in my child (who I thought was perfect)


-More on Prayer

-Mindless Stuff.


Yep. It's a lot. I think I'll start now:-)

Monday, February 1, 2010


Wow! I got a lot of long comments on that last post. It was actually very encouraging. Throughout the day, in the hospital, my blackberry would beep with a new message and I would have a chance to read through the comment. It was encouraging to not only know that people were really praying for my Grandfather, but also because I was able to get some good feed back on why other people pray, even though they might feel like I do sometimes.
I'm pretty tired now so I'm not going to go deep.
I did want to share the joy of my heart. My Grandfather went in for a 3rd surgery, and his spine was leaking fluid still. From the time they started the surgery to the time they went to patch up the leak, God had healed it and they did not need to do the patching. When the surgeon came out to talk to us, he held his hands up in the air and said, "He's going to be ok. I cannot take credit for this. It is all God."
They were expecting to have him in ICU for a few weeks and even on a feeding tube, and directly after the surgery, he was taken to a regular room! They said tomorrow he can sit up and eat!
My heart is so glad that my Grandpapa is here on earth for a while longer. I'm so grateful for the family it has brought together. (I get to see my cousin tomorrow who I haven't seen in nearly 5 years!).
I knew that God could have healed him. I didn't have a doubt in my mind. But I'm so grateful that He CHOSE to heal him.

One other thing floating around in my head tonight:

I read Facebook statuses regularly. I can read them on my blackberry so I can do it throughout the day. There are SO many times I read statuses that say, "Please pray for my grandfather..." or "Need prayer". I always dismissed them with my usual:
-"God's will is going to be done wether or not I pray"
-These people don't care if I pray or if I comment that I'm praying just like the 16 other people who have just said the same thing."
-I don't want to seem like that person. The person who is so quick to say, "I'm praying."

I was really convicted today. Even though I got a lot of "I'm prayings" on my facebook. Every single one of them meant so much to me. I was sad and worried and confused. And I wasn't looking for someone to say something ground breaking or different or moving (which sometimes I feel pressure to say to someone else), but just every little "praying" that popped up, encouraged my heart.

I was convicted that I am too quick to judge and write people of as insincere.
I was also convicted that I need to be that person who takes a few minutes out of my day, to stop, to pray, and to encourage. Even if it is just a drop in the bucket.

Thank you all for your prayers and for your sweet comments:-)


It's not something I'm sure about. I believe that God has a plan and a will and what he wills will happen. So why pray? I'm not a prayer. There have been about 10 times in my life where I've stopped what I'm doing, fell to my knees and prayed. Of course those were all hard and bad times. I pray before meals (mostly), but other than that, it's not a part of my daily rutine.
I've tried so many times to keep a prayer journal but it seems forced, fake and I don't feel like I have time to do it 100% ( in which case I prefer not doing it at all).
I cringe a lot when other people pray because I'm judging them. I feel like they're faking it. I hate when people pray very carasmatically and in hushed whispers with pauses for dramatic effect.
I've come to accept that my gift is not for prayer.
I do believe that God does miracles. How could I not? I've seen them throughout my life. But does he do it because I prayed a little harder, or because He loves me, His child, and it was His will to bring glory to Himself through it.
Maybe it seems pretty "unchristian" to say all this but in my heart I just constantly struggle with this.
When people casually ask me to pray for this and that, I most of the time don't. And I wonder of the person who asked me really expected me to pray, and really expected that to make a difference. I also tend to try not to respond to bad news, or a hurting friend with, "I'll pray for you." Unless I really know I will.
All of this has come up because my Grandpapa is really sick. He went in for major back surgery on Wednesday. They cut part of his spinal cord accidentally and he has been leaking spinal fluid. They had to do a second surgery to fix it and he has been in ICU the past couple of days. This morning, my mom called me hysterical saying they had to take him for a 3rd surgery and she didn't know if he would make it because he was so weak.
My mom is asking me to ask everyone I know for prayer. But I know you don't know him. You don't know what a blessing he is to my life. You don't know that he practically raised me when my father was absent most of my life. You don't know how much I want him to be a part of Barclay's life. You don't know how much I can't imagine my Grandmama living without him. You don't know how much I love him and how much I don't want him to go. So why would I expect you to pray? Especially when I myself am not a huge prayer. But, I do believe God can heal him. I do believe it pleases him when his Children come to him in prayer. And I do believe that even if you stop reading this right now and offer a one sentence prayer to the Lord, He will hear it.