My goal when I wake up every morning is not, how can I make it appear that I did nothing but sit on my rear and watch Oprah all day.
It isn't to have my husband come home to a crumb and squished banana infested home.
I don't want to be this way!
No. Every morning I have good intentions about organizing more, simplifying more, brushing my hair, playing with Barclay, have dinner hot and ready and delicious and sparkling home that is warm and inviting. That is my goal every single day...Oh and to exercise...but that's a different topic.
But every day about 9 am, I feel like I can't do it. Like my day is ruined because the past 2 hours I have done nothing but feed and clean and feed and clean and it doesn't look any different. I'm tired already and I still have 12 more hours in which to fail.
Yesterday day there were cracker crumbs all over the carpet. I vaccummed them twice! And last night, Noah looked down at more cracker crumbs and inquired why I had not clean them.
This is hard work. The monotony, the unpredictability. The constant balancing of everything. I feel like a juggler.
I swear on the days I have set aside to really work hard and get stuff done, those are the days Barclay is especially clingy and fussy, or someone needs my help, or some sort of emergency happens.
In a day I want to:
Not just keep Barclay alive...but engage him and play with him.
Keep my home clean and organized.
Plan for meals.
Grocery shop for meals.
Cook the meals and prepare for them.
Clean up from the meals.
Bath and keep Barclay clean...Oh and myself.
And ENJOY life. Enjoy being a mother, enjoying being alive! Enjoy friendships!
I know that every human being has to do this every day...so why am I finding it an impossible task?
I hate doing things I can't check off as "well done!". And these daily tasks of laundry, dishes, diapers, cooking...they are never done. And it seems like when I attend to one part of the house that desperately needs work...the other parts are overtaken with mess.
Something I've really learned this past year is that life is cyclical. It is never ending...you never "reach it".
In being a Christian...
(How many times have I had an ah ha moment and realized either that I need to put my trust in the Lord, or that it is impossible to find satisfaction with out him. But the very next day...I have to learn it all over again.)
In being a wife...
(How many days do I finally feel like I'm making enough time to love Noah in his special love language way. How many times do I feel like we are doing great and are so in love...only the very next day to feel defeated and discouraged and frankly, not like even liking that person!)
As a Mother...
(Just when I feel like we're setting in a groove and getting a nice schedule on...he gets sick...or starts teething...or we take a trip...and on and on and on it goes. Just when I empty out the diaper pail and the smell of week old diapers leaves the house...I change another one.)
It's discouraging and frankly makes someone like me (an all or nothing type) just want to quit, because no matter how hard I work...it's only going to need working tomorrow.
BUT I have the hope that when I go to heaven, I can spend eternity rejoicing in the fact that "it is finished."