Guilt

I've been really having some serious feelings of guilt come over me the past 4 weeks. When I'm pregnant (and I can say this because I've been pregnant 3 times!), I feel like I constantly have the flu and the stomach bug. I feel cranky, tired...like fall asleep brushing my teeth type of tired, and I puke all the time at the drop of a hat.

As much as I LOVE being a mother, things like changing diapers, running outside in the heat, FEEDING him and fighting with him to get him to eat...all those things are not things I want to do! I know I sound like a 2 year old but I simply want to quit...for the next couple weeks. I want to not have to think about anything, I want to sleep all the way through the night, I want to sleep in, I want to have a moment to myself to even process what's going on with me.

All this is to say that I feel so guilty for not loving Barclay enough. I feel guilty for feeding him nothing but hotdogs for 2 weeks. I feel guilty for never dressing him. I feel guilty tuning his wining and crying out, for not being as excited as I should be at his little discoveries, for not taking him outside to explore more, for not soaking up every second of the last couple months of his babiness.

I feel guilty for not doing laundry, not cleaning, not cooking, for eating a lot of take out (pretty much avacado rolls were the ONLY thing I could keep down for a while there), for not being able to handle pretty much anything other than the bare necessities mentally. I feel guilty for making Noah get up almost every morning because I know the second my feet hit the floor, I will start feeling awful.

I love this little sweet pea in my belly and sometimes I want to sit around, be sick and just think about it. I want to be selfish.

But I'm also a mother to Barclay and a wife to Noah. And I'm doing a pretty poor job of it lately. I already feel like I'm splitting my attention with Barclay and the new baby. And as much as I love and wanted and prayed for this new baby, I feel a little resentful deep down in my heart. I'm sad that it's summer time and I cannot muster up the energy to be a good mom to Barclay. I'm sad that Barclay is growing up so fast. I'm just sad I cannot be all or do all.