Everything's different...

even though I try for it not to be.


Right now, I am ENJOYING an empty, quiet hotel room. I'm overlooking a beautiful sunset over a Chicago city scape.
I cannot help but think about what was...
Just a few months ago, Noah and I would have been out on the town, soaking up all the culture, music, good food we could get.
Right now I've been in the hotel, soaking up pee, carrot baby food, milk, poop, and spit up. Crying, because Barclay is clawing at my face, screaming and we cannot do anything to make him stop. I am done trying to figure this baby out. He baffles me. And Noah thinks I'm having a mental break down because I can't stop crying. Literally, I feel like everything has gone wrong. I tripped and spilt carrots all over the floor, curtains, window, telephone. Barclay has puked on pretty much every pretty thing I brought to wear...it's just so out of my control and so different.

I really feel like I know WHY people don't do much when they have babies. Because it takes twice the time and it is twice as stressful...and despite how wonderful children are, it isn't as much fun (at least that's what it is like at this age).

Pleeease don't get me wrong. I LOVE my baby! I love having him in my life 24/7. I LOVE being a mother and I wouldn't change it.

But I cannot help but feel a twinge of sadness at the loss of Noah and I. Just the two of us. In my head, I thought we'd be in this hotel room, rolling around laughing, running out to the city...just with a baby in tow.
Reality is...I'm tired. I'm cranky. My patience is run out. We keep handing him off to each other, Business for both of us calls...it just never ends.

Right now, even though I'm in the city of Chicago for three days, in a hotel that is in the middle of all the action...all I want to do is go home, where I have a room far away from mine, so I don't have to hear the crying anymore.

Sigh. How do other mom's do it? I've lost my mind.