Well I've heard people say all my life, when your children hurt, you hurt more. Yesterday, for the first time, I understood what that meant...truly.
First of all we had a pediatric appointment and I was presented with the big issue of immunizations. Originally, I was going to pretty much spread the newborn immunizations out over a longer period of time. There are some issues that I've read about and heard about dealing with the mercury in the shots, but lately I've been reading and hearing about tests that they've done to prove that immunizations don't cause things such as autism. I was surprised yesterday when the pediatrician said they were going to give Barclay some shots. I was taken unaware and wasn't prepared to fight. I opened up to her about my worries and feelings about things (I'd already refused several shots so far), our pediatrician was very straight forward with me and told me that the benefits far outweigh complications that could happen from not immunizing. Well I don't want to get into that debate right now, because I know that people have very strong opinions.
Anyhow, I was such at a loss for words that I called Noah and asked him what he thought I should do. He said he thought we should do them. I was in a haze and agreed to let them immunize him. Two shots later, and after about forty five minutes of sobbing, I felt awful!
What had I done to my child? Had I ruined his life forever just because I didn't do the research or have an strong opinion. What if I let a doctor talk me into something that would hurt my baby in the long run. These feelings were overwhelming me all day and night. I was sharing my tearful thoughts with my husband and reminded me of something that I have forgotten. That it is nothing that I do that protects Barclay from everything. It is God and I have to trust him with Barclay. Because I'm going to mess up and make mistakes and bad decisions, but it doesn't matter because God will take care of him. It was like a burden was lifted off of me. Because no matter what the right answer was (and there is no right answer to this issue), the Lord is going to carry my child and protect him.
My heart is still heavy and when I remember back to his pitiful little wails when he got the shots. I nursed him and comforted him for about an hour, not really because he was in pain at all, but because I was hurting so badly for him.
And then there was last night. Barclay had been scratching me with his fast growing nails, and after he drew a little blood for me, I decided I needed to cut his nails. Usually I bite them but I thought they were defintiely long enough to use the nail cutters. On the 8th nail, Barclay squirmed and I cut a little bit of the tip of his finger. There was blood everywhere. I must say, that feeling was one of the worst in the world! My job is to protect him and nurture him and here I had cut him and made him cry (one of the most pitiful cries I've ever heard). I was histerical and sobbing and there was blood getting all over the place. Noah's precious Mom was here ( and she's also a nurse) and she was so calm and sweet. She just wrapped the finger in a blanket and told me it was ok. I nursed him to calm him down and she found a tiny baindaid to put on is tiny baby finger. I was such a wreck that I went and laid in bed and just cried and rocked and nursed him. She came in and tucked us both in. It was so sweet. I couldn't believe how much my heart HURT for him. Even though after a few minutes, he wasn't even thinking about it.
I know I'm a good Mom and I know that we all make mistakes. I've just never felt that overwhelming feeling that I've heard talked about my whole life! It is so strong and I cannot imagine it getting any weaker through the years. It doesn't stop does it? I can see myself in twenty years having that same feeling when Barclay gets his heart broken. OK, I have to stop with the emotions...
When is it that you can't blame sappiness on hormones?
Yesterday I also had the opportunity to go visit a sweet friend from college that I haven't seen in quite some time. She has two precious babies under the age of two. What a sweet visit! She made the most amazing soup and we had wonderful conversation. She gave me a swing that she wasn't using. Let me just say, WHY? Why have I not had one of these for the past nine weeks? I had a smaller one that stops when Barclay leans a little to the right or left. He loves it and I see a bright future ahead! One with more time to get things done and less of a crying baby! Thank you Julie!
On another note, I just slept six hours straight! Barclay slept from 9:30 till almost four! I am praising the Lord! He didn't want to go back to bed so I put him in the swing and decided to blog while he was being rocked back to sleep.
This is one of my favorite pictures of us so far. I love the trusting look in his eyes! I love hims so much!!!