Sunday, April 19, 2009

Some stuff I'm learning...

My sleeping Boy...

It's a cold and rainy day here. I find it hilarious because today was the day I finally dressed Barclay in a summer outfit and it's freezing outside. Seriously, you just never know how to dress in April.

From now on I need to pack (in addition to diaper, wipes, burp cloth, pacifier, etc.)
2 Summer outfits (just in case it's warm)
2 Winter outfits (just in case it's cold)
And I'm packing two of each just in case he pees on them.
And an extra outfit for me, in case he pees on me!

I get really nasty looks from people when I strip my baby down naked in public. But he gets so hot and hats being hot.

Anyhow, I think I might do three posts today because I have so much on my mind. We'll see if the baby allows for this.

I wanted to write a little about how frustrating scheduling can be! On Thursday, we moved Barclay from our room ( in a cradle) to his crib in his nursery across the house. It was a big decision and one that I kept putting off, but I knew that it needed to be done. Mostly because we are all three really loud sleepers. Noah starts talking about business in his sleep and it wakes Barclay. Barclay starts sighing his sleep and it wakes Noah...and me...I'm just awake all the time.

I knew for all of us to have good sleep, we needed to divide ourselves. So Barclay went to the nursery.

The first night, I cried as I laid my sleeping boy down and went to my quiet room. I missed him! I missed hearing his little sounds and knowing that I could just reach over and touch him if I wanted to make sure he was still there.
The first time I heard him on the monitor crying, I bolted out of bed like a mad woman and ran to the other side of the house. He had slept three hours and so I nursed him and put him back to bed. Two hours later, I am woken up by piercing cries coming from the other side of the house, but I hadn't heard anything from the monitor. I ran to him and he was wet with tears and I could tell he'd been crying for a while. I felt so bad, but I know a little crying wont hurt him. So after I feed him and rock him back to sleep, I put him down again. I didn't allow myself to fall completely into deep sleep because I was scared I'd miss his first cries again on the monitor. Two hours later, same thing...piercing cries NOT from the monitor. I was so frustrated. Not only that my monitor wasn't working, but also that Barclay had awakened for the third time and it wasn't even 5 am yet. So I brought Barclay to bed with me ( a very bad habit I've gotten into). Later that morning I was telling Noah how mad I was about the monitor and he said.

"Oh, sorry, it was kind of loud that first time so I turned it off."

Well I wasn't too happy about that to say the least, but I must admit it makes me feel better to know that monitor or not, I can hear him.

So he's slept for three nights in there and done fine. Other than he wakes up every two hours! I have no idea why. I feed him every three hours during the day and nearing the night every two to fill his little tank up. And he's not right next to me so I'm not picking him up at every whimper. I don't know what else to do but pray and wait and keep doing what I'm doing.

I have learned so much by being a mother, and one of the biggest things is NOT TO JUDGE PEOPLE in their parenting.
If you had talked to me before Barclay was born, I had my convictions about everything:

I thought co-sleeping was horrible
I thought anyone who bottle fed was selfish
I thought anyone who didn't put their baby on a strict schedule was foolish.

I had my opinions. God has really softened my heart...actually he's broken down my pride and made me see that pretty much mothers do whatever they have to do to survive.

Let's see, I don't exactly practice co-sleeping per say, but I have brought Barclay in the bed to "nurse" consistently for four hours at the end of every night these past two weeks.
(Noah always asks me in the morning, "When was the last time he nursed?" I seriously have no idea because I think I've nursed him off and on for the past four hours! )

I've been totally tempted to bottle feed because it would eliminate the main problem for Barclay's crying (upset tummy) not to mention I could eat or drink whatever I wanted.

and as for scheduling...YIKES! I try but probably not hard enough.

Needless to say, I will not ever judge a mother for these things that really don't make or break a good mother.

On the note of co-sleeping, I must say that I'm glad that I've let my guard down on this a little bit. In the early morning, as tired as I am, the hours that have with my sweet smelling, milky faced boy, curled up lying skin to skin with me are PRICELESS. He little hand will rub me and he will just sigh and I will always treasure those sweet moments bathed in the new sun.

Yesterday I felt dead tired. I did a photo shoot all morning and by the time I came home to resume my motherly responsibilites, I felt like I couldn't do it, especilally if he was fussy.
HE WAS SO SWEET! We just curled up together and napped on and off for five hours. It was like he knew I needed him to be still and quiet with me.

Back to moving him to his own room...

Standing over him and knowing I am leaving him to go into my own room has brought up so many fears for me....very irrational fears. What if a burglar broke in and stole him, what if a fire started in his room, what if he was bitten by a snake (this is always a fear of mine and I've never seen a snake in our house ever), what if, what if, what if...

Noah has reminded me that no matter what I do, God is taking care of Barclay. Woops...I guess I forgot that. I think I have to remind myself every single day to give him to God.

So when I stand over his crib and watch his chest rise and fall, I say a prayer for my son and completely open my arms to the Lord to protect him. Because I cannot be Barclay's everything. I cannot save him and I'm already learning this.

He is not mine, he is the Lords.

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