Thursday, April 2, 2009

Milky Boy

My Milky Faced Boy

He looks amazing in the outfit I got for $5 at Old Navy!

My favorite picture.

We are back from Boston and I am just now getting a chance to sit down and write some stuff out.

I was determined to start scheduling Barclay as soon as we arrived home. The day we got back, I was so dead tired (pretty much I thought my organs were starting to shut down) that I went to my mom's house and she and my step sister Laura took care of Barclay all night. I felt so guilty because I tried to pump milk on the car ride down and only got 4 oz, but I felt that if I didn't sleep I was not going to be much of a good mother to Barclay, or a good wife to Noah. So I allowed mom to mix the milk with a little bit of formula that I received free in the mail. I felt so guilty and couldn't even fall asleep for a while. I realized after a lot of thought that it was just my pride that was the problem. I knew that a small amount of formula wouldn't hurt him in the long run. And it was long enouch after birth for me to establish a good milk supply. I just wanted to be that mother that had never given her baby a drop of formula. I gave in and slept a glorious ten hours! I woke up without cobwebs in my head and felt like a new woman.

I did cry when I went to pick up Barclay and he smelled sour, like formula, instead of his usual milky, sweetness. I probably will not do that again, since the little guy was pretty constipated that day. I have come to realize that every single morning, I need to pump and freeze. For emergencies like that and also for the many photo shoots and weddings coming up. I just need to add it to my morning "routine".

Speaking of rutine, I am totally discouraged with my lack of will power. I know being on a schedule is going to do wonders for Barclay, but I am having a hard time fitting my life into three hour incremints. Every day something comes up. I find myself so frenzied and sleep deprived that I don't even remember the last time I fed him. I end up, I think, giving him a "shot of boob" when he wont stop crying (even though I know he isn't hungry). It causes even more problems, like spitting up a lot and then I don't know if I should start the period of hunger over. I think it's my life I need to change. I also get so impatient when I'm not nursing in the comfort of my own couch with plenty to distract me from how long it actually takes (aka Movies and TV). If I'm out and about (and I really discovered this in Boston), I tend to feed him the minimum so that I can move on with what I want to do. How selfish am I? Pretty selfish I feel. It's like I'm not willing to wait on him to get a nice full feeding. I've always struggled with patience.
Then there is the fact that I am a weird sort of perfectionists. Basically, if I can't do it 100% all the time, I want to go the opposite and not do it at ALL.
Uggg. How frustrating.

On the upside, we had a fabulous time in Boston with our friends Phil and Emily. They were the most gracious hosts and even were so thoughtful as to have soy milk waiting for me in the fridge! I will write about the trip later when I'm done editing pictures from everything. It was a blast!

And on the wonderful side of things. Even though I'm not doing the scheduling I would like, I am taking every moment to sit on the couch and "talk" to Barclay about everything. I kiss his whole body from head to tiny toes. I sing to him and cuddle him and I am loving watching him discover the world. Today he has acutally GIGGLED several times. I have never loved him so much as I do today. I am so blessed to have this sweet boy as my child.

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