In my last post, I wrote how blessed I felt to be doing what I've always wanted to do, be a mother. I REALLY mean it. I just read a blog that I follow, and this video was posted. I just wept my eyes out, because it struck a part of my heart that I've buried for a long time. Please click on the link and watch it!
To most people who really know me and the events of my life, it would appear that I have had a very painful life. And I have. I will probably write more about it in other posts later on. My whole life I have never expected the good to happen to me. God has blessed me in so many ways, but also he's refined me with many painful experiences. I was at a point where I didn't want to be happy because I thought that, as soon as I was happy, something bad would happen. I seriously was waiting for the next painful thing to happen. I've never really said this out loud, but I have been terrified my whole life, that God would choose to refine me more by not giving me a child. Being a mother has been the biggest desire of my heart since before I can remember and I just knew that it wouldn't come easily. I just knew I was probably infertile. I was so scared to start the process of trying to start a family because I didn't want the answer to be NO, or wait till later. I was completely bracing myself for more heartache, but the Lord BLESSED me right away with getting pregnant.
Even when I was pregnant, I just knew that I was going to miscarry. I know a lot of first time mothers do and I was bracing myself for that. I told everyone at 4 weeks and was completely prepared for letting people know that I had lost the baby (complete with the perfect Facebook status). When I got to 12 weeks, I was shocked that I was still BLESSED to be carrying this baby.
As the time drew nearer to my due date, I was overcome with fear for my baby's health. How could I be so blessed to get pregnant right away, keep the baby, AND deliver a healthy baby?
When Barclay was born and I held him in my arms, I realized how silly I was to doubt that God wanted the desires of my heart to be fulfilled!
Even now my thoughts sometimes slip to what ifs and worries about my baby now, but I am trusting Him every day to protect my baby.
I feel so guilty sometimes because I am so used to being able to deal with people's pain in an empathetic way because I've experienced most of it. But I have never experienced heartache personally with being a mother, or loosing a child.
I am praying HARD for two friends of mine that want to be mothers so badly. They are both wonderful wives and friends and I know that they would be the best of mothers. Sometimes in the middle of the night when I am nursing Barclay and just taking in every moment of these sweet times, I cry for them. Actual tears. This video made me think of them.
I also think of my little sister who I love truly more than words can say. Pretty much, I feel her pain in such real ways that I find myself having a hard time feeling separately from her. Just two weeks after having Barclay, my sweet little sister, lost her baby at about 6 weeks pregnant. That loss was so DEEP to her and to all of us in her family. Even though the baby was young, it was the precious child of my sister. She named the baby Gideon. This video made me think of her.
When I say I know how blessed I am...I truly mean it.
Thank you Lord for giving me a gift and reminding me that you will give me the desires of my heart.