Old House-New House

Tomorrow we are moving! I am so excited because it means we are closer to town and not "the people that everyone wants to visit but we live so far out in the boonies that they don't".

I am exhausted, ready to be in the place I will bring Sullivan home to, ready to nest in a place that matters! I am just ready to be out of the limbo stage.

As I am packing up the boxes, I can't help but feel a little sentimental about leaving this house. Even though it was not my favorite location, we have had SO many wonderful memories here!

I especially think about everything that has happened here as I take a bath in my WONDERFUL garden sized tub. I know it's weird but it's where I do all my thinking, crying, hoping....

I remember crying after many fights with Noah in there. When we moved in we were having a REALLY hard time getting my bipolar"ness" worked out. And now I feel like we have grown SO much in how we handle things. God has changed both of us to be more like him. It's exciting!

I remember dreaming, wishing, hoping, longing for a baby in there. I would lay back and look at my "flat" stomach and wish wish wish that this would be the month...

I remember laying in the water dreaming of our little one who we would name Barclay Thomas. All those quiet moments of wondering...

I remember laboring in the tub and thinking that I was DYING.

I remember bathing in the tub with a bunch of herbs the night I got home with Barclay from the hospital. Noah brought his tiny little body to me and I nursed him in the tub.

Then all the times I bathed Barclay with me. I rarely bath him by himself because it's so fun to take a bath anyways and I also felt more secure that I was hold him.

I remember starting to have quiet times of longing for baby number 2. Then the excitement for 11 weeks of expecting that little one...which we found out were probably twins.

I remember almost a week of baths where I didn't know if those babies would live...and the baths after the DandC when I felt so empty.

Then there was this new baby. Baby Sullivan...Oh how I LONGED for him in those quiet bath times after the DandC...and just a couple months later, we found out the exciting news that we were pregnant again.

So many times this year I have puked in the bathtub from horrible morning sickness, watched my belly grow and grow and grow, cried for the many deaths and hardships our loved ones have gone through, and hoped for our future.

Sorry this is such a sappy post, but I just had to get it out there before our internet is shut off and we dive head first into setting up house:-)

Labor Scare

Last night I thought we were going to meet Sullivan. I literally thought I was going to be emergency transferred to a bigger hospital and have to have a C section last night.

I've been feeling really off for a while and yesterday I had so much to do. We are moving, it is Christmas, ect ect. I felt a lot of pains in my belly all day but I chalked it up to Sullivan trying to flip back over (he is breech). Twice at Lowes I was asked if I was in labor.

The couple errands after Lowes, I started doubling over with pain which I still considered painful movement.

When I got home I started having horrible back pain with them and I was so out of breath that I would have to lay down. Then I started noticing the wave of a contraction. I had been so thirsty all day and had already consumed like 8 large glasses of water but I still drank more and laid down.

I really knew it was bad when I was watching 24 (my current obsession) and I couldn't even comprehend what was going on. I was still hurting so I put in the dreaded call to my midwives...aka I knew they were going to tell me to go to the ER. I did and they did.

The drive over there I started second guessing myself..."What if it is just movement? Am I going to be the idiot second time mother who can't even tell what a contraction is? What if we have to pay for a hospital visit and it was nothing..."

As soon as I signed in I knew it was the right decision. I started crying they hurt so bad and they were so regular. Every 2 minutes like clock work. When they checked me in the nursing putting the doppler on my belly exclaimed. "Wow that is a big contraction." I was relieved for a moment (relieved that coming in was the right decision) then I started to panic. Contraction after contraction for hours and hours. Two minutes apart. After a pill and some IV fluid they were just as strong. Then they started getting so strong that I was yelping in pain every time. That's when I thought that we might meet our son. For a fleeting moment I was thinking of the tiny baby clothes I hadn't washed, and the dirty house we were supposed to move out of on Tuesday. But quickly my thoughts went to the health of Sullivan. I knew he would be tiny, I knew he would have to come via C section (breech), I knew I wouldn't be able to hold him or nurse him right away. Then my thoughts went to Barclay. I wasn't ready to share him. I wasn't ready to be totally focused on a premie. Selfish but true.

I just kept whispering to Noah, "I cannot believe this. I cannot believe this. I didn't even think this was a possibility..." I had myself so convinced I would be late that I constantly expect to deliver in March.

Thankfully the contractions, bad as they were, did not change my cervix. They checked me three times (yikes!) and no change. So after 7 hours and still having regular somewhat uncomfortable contractions, they sent me home to rest.

I had them all night but it was more like I got seasick from the motion than from actually hurting.

So, I will be taking it easy and hoping that they stop soon.

Slow Death

I haven't written any deep posts lately. Mostly because every time I sit down to write, the blank screen flashes in front of me...taunting me. But yet the thing that is overflowing from my heart and wants to be written...could not.

I am extremely close to my sisters (all four of them). So close it is probably unhealthy. I am so empathetic that their joy is mine and their pain is mine.

The past six months, I have been witnessing the slow death of my sister Katie Beth. It's not cancer.

My little sister who is 23 is one of the most special people in my life. She is loyal to a fault, she is hard working, adventurous, and loving. She got married at 19 (like myself) to a wonderful guy she'd been head over heels in love with since she was 13. They were magical together. Kyle one time gave Katie Beth a brain injured squirrel for her birthday. To most of us, that would be confusing and maybe insulting, but to Katie Beth it was the most wonderful thing in her world. She nurtured and loved that baby squirriel for months before it died.

Many deployments, trainings, a miscarriage later Katie Beth and Kyle were just shells of people they used to be.

It's been almost exactly 4 years since my little sister walked down the aisle to her groom, and for the past six months I have been a front row observer in the decline of their marriage.

It has been heart breaking. That is the only word I can think to describe it. Kyle was unfaithful to Katie Beth which I know from being her sister was the number one fear of her life. Month after month, lies after lies, I watched it drag on. Just when I thought the affair was over, and restoration could begin to take place, more lies were discovered.

In the midst of this all, I watched as God miraculously changed Katie Beth's heart from a hard, cold unforgiving heart to one that was sweet and willing to forgive. It has been amazing to watch.

Unfortunately and frustratingly her husband has proven time and time and time and time again that he is not willing to give up his selfishness and be faithful to her.

So three weeks ago, my 6 1/2 month pregnant sister moved in with us (again). But this time for good. It's become apparent in the past couple of days that things are not going to work out.

It's been pretty awful to watch as Katie Beth's dreams die. Her dreams of a loving family, her dreams of a daddy for her little girl, her dreams of more children, of growing old with someone.

And here I am with all those dreams realized. And my heart just cries out with sadness for her.

How can I deliver Sullivan in a couple weeks and be happy? How can my heart be satisfied as I look around the delivery room and see an excited, expectant daddy. When I know just a few short weeks later, my sister will be delivering a child into a broken family? She will not have the amazing bonding experience I had with Noah when Barclay was born. She will not have someone to gaze at her baby with her, going over every single aspect and marveling that she was made through their love. She will not have a husband to help her change diapers when she's too tired after a night of breastfeeding. She wont have someone encouraging her along the way that she's doing a good job and she wont have someone saying, "I cannot believe she's ours!"

We will be there for her. We will help her change diapers. We will take many hours to marvel over that baby. We will...but it wont be the same.

Pondering Christmas Cards

I love Christmas cards.

I love giving them. I REALLY love receiving them. I love that I have to take the time to go through my list of loved ones and update them. I love remembering fun memories with each special person or family as I make my way through the list.

As I was making my way through my list the other day, my heart just shattered as I read my grandmother's name next to my grandfathers. Oh how I wanted to send her my Christmas card! Oh how I wanted her to know what was going on in my life. But I scratched her name off the list...

It wasn't long before I came to another name on the list that needed to be scratched off...and another and another. My heart was just sad as I realized how much death we've seen this year. I was heartbroken thinking of loved ones spending their first holiday without their loved one.

As I was feeling a little sorry for the world and the loss of such good people this year, I started adding the names of new little ones who had come or were coming into the world this year. One after another after another after another...name after name after name. People I had prayed for, people I had grieved with in the loss of many pregnancies. I added more than 50 new babies to our list!

I also added fiancees and husbands and wives, and changed address to new and exciting places.

It's so strange to summarize a years worth of relationships in one list, but it made me grateful to see that the Lord takes away, but he also gives:-)

28 Weeks

Dear Sullivan,

I am finally in my third trimester and now I am realizing that you will be here in just the blink of an eye. We have Christmas and New Years and moving to a new house all standing between now and you. I am so excited but I am determined to get my life semi organized before you come. And I'm also trying to enjoy every one on one moment I can with your brother.

This past week I felt pretty good. Probably better than I have all year, which isn't saying much. But I was thankful that the nausea has lessened and the backaches and head aches weren't there this week.

I have craved Eggnog sooooo badly and have given in on many occasions. I seriously can chug a quart in one day. I am trying to convince you that you want peas and chicken but you are not falling for it. I think it was the eggnog, but I finally gained my first couple pounds this past week. 3 to be exact. Sadly, I know it was eggnog and not baby that tipped the scale:-)

I am carrying you a lot lower than I did Barclay, so a lot of my maternity shirts that I wore up till the day I delivered, are too short for me.

You move all the time, and I love it. It never gets old to me. Last night I just lay there in the still of the night as I felt your knee go back and forth over my belly.

We are moving to a new house in the next month! One closer to town and a little bit smaller. I can't wait to fix up the "boy's room" and include you into it. I plan on painting some stuff with your name on it and having some frames especially for pictures of you when you get here.

I went through all Barclay's baby clothes yesterday and my heart just sung as I pulled each tiny piece out. I can't believe you will be that little! I am chomping at the bit to hold you and snuggle you and nurse you.

I love you little one...

Your Mama

I want to be better

I am so frustrated and disappointed with myself. I want so badly to be a certain way. I want to be easy going, cheerful, organized, and patient. I want so badly to have a nicely kept house and cook good healthy meals that are affordable.

Instead I find myself flying by the seat of my pants every day of my life, and I constantly say to me, and my poor husband, "It's just because of *blank* (insert chaotic situation). I promise after a few days I'll get it together."

I find myself getting it together right before something else that ruins my groove, and then I'm back at the beginning.

I have tried everything. I've tried keeping detailed lists in notebooks. I have a planner, I have a cleaning schedule. I try to say no to 25% of things so I don't over book. I try so hard. I TRY SO HARD. But trying isn't enough.

Noah and I have been having our yearly "tune up" with our wonderful marriage counselor and I am finding that 90% of all my problems result in my lack of margin. Meaning I don't bubble myself with extra time to do things like sweep up something if I spill it or remember something.

Two days ago I scheduled the morning for grocery shopping since we had no groceries and I was making several dishes for the Thanksgiving festivities.

So I loaded Barclay up in the car. We drive into town and I realize that I have no diaper bag, and no wallet. Then I realize that my phone which I had charged all morning was dying. I couldn't get in touch with Noah to get my diaper bag, so I went to my father in law's house to borrow cash. By the time I got there my allotted time was dwindling and and I had to go back and teach a violin lesson.

Those type of things always happen. I am constantly amazed at the end of the day that I am alive and have accomplished the essential things. But as for doing anything extra...it's just not happening.

I'm tired of blaming my pregnancy sickness. I'm tired of blaming all the crisis situations that we have come in contact with this year. I am tired of apologizing to guests who come over. I just want to be better. For me and my poor husband.

Shutterfly Christmas Cards

It's that time again! I absolutely LOVE receiving Christmas cards throughout the month of December. It's one of the only times of the year that I actually like getting mail because I know it's not all going to be bills.

Last year we sent out a Christmas card from Shutterfly. It was ridiculously easy to create and we loved it. We got so many compliments on them and they recconnected us to so many loved ones.

This year I am using Shutterfly again. They have hundreds of different styles to choose from and they are all so custum looking, not cheesy, and are just so fun looking! I actually had a hard time choosing which one to use. One thing I love as well, is Shutterfly is constantly running deals so I always get a good price.

Go here to browse their Christmas photo card selection.

Here to browse their Christmas card section.

And here to look at all their Calendar options...which I think would make great Christmas presents. (Mom forget you ever read that)

Shutterfly is offering 50 free cards if you blog about it! So check it out HERE!

The night I almost spent in jail.

Saturday I drove to Rock Hill, SC to photograph a wedding. It ended about 10:30 and I was BEAT! I mean I felt like I was about to go into labor I was so tired. So I got in my car to start the two hour drive back. I called my sister on the phone to catch up, since it is rare that I am up past 10 and she lives in CA. We chatted then I realized that I had gone the wrong way on the highway. Then I turned around, very discouraged about the 2o minutes I had wasted. 3o minutes down the road, I realized that I had in fact gone the right way the first time, and was now 3o more minutes out of the way! I started crying and called Noah to look up if there were some back roads I could take from there so I didn't have to back track. He found some and I started on my way. In my head I was thinking, "Good, all these back roads! I'll go 20 over the speed limit and get home asap." After the second small town (I go the exact speed limit in small towns), I set my cruise control for 9 over and sat back to get in the zone. All of a sudden I have blue lights behind me, than a second set of blue lights, than a third set! They surrounded me and I was freaking out just a little. They came and started looking through my back windows with their flashlights...like I was a drug dealer or something.

He questioned me why I was in such a hurry and I told him I was sorry. I got lost on the way home from a wedding and I just wanted to go to sleep (displaying my pregnant belly did not occur to me at this point).

They took my license and registration. They came back and said, "Ma'am we are going to have to take you to jail. Your license expired a month ago, and in SC we put people in jail for that sort of thing."

*In between all this I suddenly realized that I was with child and had not cried yet...

The thought of spending the night in this small town...and in JAIL sent me over the edge and I started bawling. I grabbed my stomach and leaned back, making it obvious I was pregnant.

All of a sudden the policemen started freaking out and begging me to calm down. They said things like:

"Please, we don't want you to have that baby here."

"Please calm down. Don't get worked up."

"Don't worry ma'am we wont make you go to jail."

And they let me off the HOOK with just a warning!

They also gave me precise directions and details like, "When you go through such and such a town, there are a lot of deer so be careful." (all in a thick southern drawl)

Oh my word! I was shaking with fear as I drove away, and I had to take the remain back roads UNDER the speed limit.

Then, when I was 15 minutes from home, on the highway, when I was nearly asleep, a HUGE, white wolf ran in front of my car and I had to swerve to avoid a major wreck.

It took me thirty minutes to unwind from that car ride. I cannot believe that IF I WASN'T PREGNANT, I would have spent the night in JAIL!

23 Weeks Pregnant

23 Weeks

Dear Sullivan,

This week has been so fun! You have rolled and kicked so much and I just love every minute of it! I can feel little parts of you like your head, your feet, or your bum.

I guess most importantly, we had an ultrasound this week to check up on some cysts that they saw in your brain last ultrasound. Thankfully they had disappeared and they did an extensive ultrasound (almost an hour!) to check every part of you to make sure you didn't have any markers for Trisomy 18 or Downs Syndrome. I didn't realize how serious it was until we got to the appointment and had to meet with a genetics counselor and have this long ultrasound. They were worried for a brief little bit because you wouldn't open your hands to them, and they were hoping they weren't club hands. But you love sucking your whole fist that it took a lot of tossing and turning on my part to get you to unclench you fist and show us all your beautiful, perfect fingers. I was so relieved to find out that you were perfectly healthy and the 1 hour of watching you was the biggest treat! At one point you kissed the screen:-)

There have been so many sad things happen this week to people I love. It's been a hard week. But you my little dear, have brought me so much joy throughout my day.

This week was the week I was expecting twins. As sad as loosing them was, I wouldn't have you if things had gone my way, and I know that you are a blessing to me from the Lord.

I love you sweet pea!

Mama

If everything had gone my way...

...today I would have been delivering twins into the world. I was dreading this day for a long time, as every week my notations in my planner clearly reminded me of the week that I wasn't in my pregnancy. Today it says, "Due Date:-) 40 Weeks!!!"

But the day is here, and all I can do is praise the Lord for His blessings to me. It is really hard to be sad when I have precious Henry Sullivan kicking away inside of me. Reminding me every couple minutes that he's there. And if everything had gone my way, he wouldn't, couldn't be there. So my pain has been turned to joy.

22 Weeks

I am falling behind in the picture documentation of my growing belly. But it's definitely growing!

Next week maybe...

Sullivan,

I am in the honeymoon stage of pregnancy right now. My nausea is really lessened to once or twice a day and I have a little more motivation and energy. For a few weeks there I was having very intense headaches and back aches from lifting Barclay but Noah had this wonderful massage therapist come to our house and she worked on me for 2 hours. Since that day my backaches have almost been non existent and I have had very few head aches. Praise the Lord!

You move so much! Probably 3 times as much as Barclay did. I LOVE it so much. Every single kick and roll gets me so tickled! It never gets old. A few kicks lately have me yelping in public with surprise! I only wish I had time to lay in bed for hours and think about you.

My mind is completely overtaken with thoughts of you and Barclay playing together. My two boys...:-)

This week it has really hit me that you aren't just a pregnancy. You are a person, with a soul, who will be here in a few short months to stay! As much as I long to hold you, I have got to start getting my life, house, other son in order:-)

This week I have craved coffee, and chocolate milk in a big way. Probably making up for my months of not getting any calcium in my diet. I probably need to taper off on that though if I want to not gain a ridiculous amount of weight:-)

I have started getting some braxton hicks contractions already but they stop if I lay down so the midwives aren't worried.

Little Sullivan. I cannot stand it, I love you so much already.

Love,

Your Mama

Thank You

I cannot thank everyone enough for all the sweet comments, the advise, the commiserating from my last post. Every single one was like a hand grabbing down to save me from drowning.

You know how God promises never to give us more than we can bare? Well He kept is promise and the past two days have been delightful. Praise God! Because one more day of that craziness was more than I could bare.

I think the part that frustrates me is that I cannot make sense of it all. What is it that makes a child scream and cry for weeks at a time, but yet he can be perfectly precious and delightful the next.

A few things I'm learning through this is just more and more MY brokenness and depravity. I am so impatient and so quick to get angry. Patience has never ever been a virtue of mine. And every day that Barclay drives me nuts, I am forced to depend on the Lord's strength and not my own.

It's actually scary the thoughts I have during those terribly intense screaming fits. I consider myself a very attentive, loving mother. And if I can think violent thoughts (just being honest here), what about women who don't even want their children? Thankfully I am very good about putting Barclay in his crib and shutting the door when I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I don't want anyone to fear for Barclay's safety, I just wanted to openly admit how quickly my thoughts can turn from complete love for Barclay to rage.

It amazes me how God is refining me even in my daily grind of a life.

Dear World

Dear World,

Sometimes when I'm sitting in my house alone with this screaming child, I feel crazy and I feel very very alone. Sometimes just blogging or writing a facebook status helps, oddly.

My child will not stop screaming. I have spanked, given time outs, cried. Nothing works. It's like he's the toughest child ever and nothing phases him.

I feel like I'm about to go into labor because 6 times today I had to wrestle him for 10 minutes to get him in his car seat.

My breaking point was when he asked for cookies (animal crackers). I told him he had to eat a hot dog first. He threw that on the ground and started banging his head on the ground. Then I got him so Naked Juice (which is veggies and fruits). He looked up at me with hate in his eyes and deliberately poured it on our red recliner. Now he's in bed crying after a spanking.

I am so upset that I wanted to do something drastic. So I immediately went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of milk and put a bunch of ovaltine in it and chugged it.

Made me feel a little better...too bad it's my second glass of the day...

Seriously. I cannot do this anymore. But what do I do? I can't start over, I can't give him away...I feel like I am making zero headway.

Anyone have any tips I haven't heard of for disciplining a child this age?

If one person can just comment on this post with a simple "I'm sorry"...I think I wont feel so alone.

Thanks,

Drowning my sorrows in Chocolate Milk....

Oh Lord. I cannot do this anymore! I feel so unworthy and unprepared and just plain overwhelmed at being a mother right now. Please give we wisdom because I cannot do it on my own.

Barclay has seriously be crying for hours on end, every day for 3 weeks or so. I am worn to the bone, I feel like jumping off a bridge, and I don't know what to do.

Why? Why did I get "stuck" with the baby who cries all the time. Why did I get stuck with a baby who is hard to figure out? I am so tired of everyone basically telling me it's my fault. That he's this way because I'm not more strict with him. Or that the solution is to discipline him more. I feel like there is something a little more to all this than rebellion.

I just want to go to sleep at night knowing that I will have a good nights sleep. Instead I am constantly woken up at all hours, with a baby who cannot be comforted. I have let him scream himself silly for an hour to see if he could get himself to sleep, and yet here I am at 2:01 am and he is still at it.

I just want to fix it! I just want to make him feel better. I HATE not knowing what to do. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

Why is this so hard? How do people do it and make it look so easy?

I cannot do it anymore, so I need your strength, Lord.

I really feel like I'm drowning in pain. My physical pain from my back and migraines. And heart pain from so many people around me. Pain from watching Barclay in pain. It's just overwhelming. There are so many people hurting so deeply out there and I can't fix it.

Bliss

There are so many moments of pure bliss in my life.

Here are three of those moments that have happened since 5:30 this morning.

1.Barclay woke up early because he'd wet through his diaper. I changed him, got him a cup of almond milk and snuggled him up in the guest bedroom with me. He was crying and crying and I started faking crying to see if he'd stop. In the dark, his little chubby hands cupped my face and he gave me such a sweet kiss.

2.Barclay was "reading" Brown Bear Brown Bear to me. When we got to the cat he clearly looked up at me and said, "big purple cat". Then he grinned as big as he could.

3.I'm usually pretty pukey feeling in the mornings but since I had an especially early morning, by the time 8 am rolled around and Noah woke up, I felt up to making a big Sunday breakfast. Sitting around the table with my little family and laughing was just perfect. So was the little one kicking away inside of me.

19 Weeks

19 Weeks

Precious Sullivan,

I think I'm in the clear for morning sickness and I am SO thankful it didn't last as long as your brother's did.

I am having a LOT of headaches and backaches. I'm very confused by this since I haven't gained any weight at all, and with your brother I was actually doing hand stands and cart wheels at 1 week overdue. I never felt SO pregnant and So uncomfortable. But I do now at 19 weeks. My midwife said it is not due to the pregnancy alone, but due to the combination of the pregnancy plus lifting your crazy brother hundreds of times a day. I've started seeing a chiropractor so hopefully I'll have some relief soon.

I've also started walking and swimming nearly every day which is glorious!

I've been craving hot breakfast tea with cream, beans and rice, and Dynamite Shrimp from PF Changs.

I never EVER thought I'd see the day when I'd loose track of how many weeks and days I was, and how big you are compared to a vegetable...but I must say, since I've started feeling better, time is just a zooming by. You'll be here before I know it. I cannot wait to see how your personality is different from your brothers. I can't wait to see what makes you, YOU.

I love you precious one,

Your Mama

Boys...

I grew up the oldest of five girls. My Dad was rarely home so being surrounded by women is the way I grew up. Marriage was my first exposure to men and all their funny quirks that I don't understand. They are completely different creatures from the way they think to the way the pee.

I remember the day we found out that Barclay was a boy. I was terrified that he would be. Laying on the ultrasound table, the minute they put the goo on my tummy, I knew. I held my breath when they confirmed the news and faked a smile. We got in the car and called all our family and friends to tell them the results. Everyone was so excited. As soon as we were done spreading the news, I broke down and cried. Oh I felt like such a terrible Mom already for feeling so disappointed. Some of the concerns I had were:

"How can I breastfeed a boy?"-I know probably the silliest of all things, but for a few hours I just couldn't imagine doing it.

"He will never love me as much as he loves Noah."-

"I don't know how to play with boys."

"I know everything to play with girls."

"I'm going to be left out."

All my dreams of frilly dresses and tea parties went out the window and I was left with a big question mark over my head.

The next morning, I woke up and I decided I was going to bond with this little boy and start being excited about his arrival. I felt so guilty for being so silly the night before. I started by buying little boy outfits and shoes at goodwill. I would go for hours, sit on the floor, and sort through bins and bins of stained onezies and socks...to find pure treasures. Little outfits that are all boy. I started feeling butterflies in my stomach at the sight of all things boy. I started collecting old books about boyhood adventures ( Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer, Treasure Island, Robin Hood ). I based his room off of them and had the time of my life decorating it with all sorts of things I'd find that were classic boy. The day we decided on a name, I started calling him that and felt even closer. I would watch little boys of all ages and see all the great things that made them so special. The way an airplane would make their eyes light up like stars, the mischievous grin on their face when they were caught...all these things made my heart yearn for MY boy.

The day Barclay was born, it didn't matter. Gender was so irreverent. He was gender neutral to me (well...I guess not when poor baby got circumcised...). He was just my baby. The joy of my heart. I didn't think of him as boy or girl. That was probably one of the most surprising things to me about motherhood.

Last week I found out son number 2 is on his way. I wont lie. I cried a little after the guests left from the party. My heart sighed a little for the dresses I've saved in my hope chest that will have to wait for a little girl to wear them. I'd started to convince myself it was a girl. I'd even started calling the baby Lucy. I think, also, with such a hard pregnancy, I was hoping that I'd get a girl and could be done...(fat chance;-)

The morning after, I woke up and started becoming as giddy as a school girl at the thought of my little boy to come.

We've decided on a name, Henry Sullivan George. He'll go by Sullivan. Henry is a family name on my dad's side and Noah and I LOVE it. We actually almost named Barclay that. Sullivan is for Sullivan's Island, SC where my Grandparents lived, where I lived for a few years, and where I have millions of specials memories.

I am loving calling this baby by name. I love talking about "the boys":-) Saying sentences like, "we should put that in the boy's room..." makes it so real! One of the best things I love about having boys is the chance to, with God's help, raise men of honor. What a huge responsibility and what a precious blessing.

Here's to being outnumbered!

it's a...Boy:)

Sick

I feel like the moment my pregnancy nausea lessened, heartache took over and now I'm sick with a broken heart.

We have been surrounded by death these past couple months. My dear grandmother died in June. We got home from visiting my sister in CA and found out that night my Uncle Quaddy had died. We went to Charleston for the funeral and visitation and came back. After a few normal days, we found out our dear friend James was killed in Iraq. The days following were just heart wrenching as we watched (though facebook) his family and young widow deal with everything. We then went to Charlotte and spent an exhausting two days going to the visitation and the funeral. Both which were incredible moving and glorifying to God, but emotionally draining. By the time we picked Barclay up from a friends who watched him for the service and got home, it was midnight. Then Barclay who has been very fussy because of a very crazy and non schedule, schedule, was up until 1 am. I was drugged in bed trying to get over my 1 week long "crying head ache". Noah was up with Barclay till 1. Then at 6 am, Noah's phone range and we knew right away what it was. His grandfather had just passed away. After a day of dealing with extreme exhaustion, getting back to work, and grieving the loss of a grandparent (which as I experienced early this summer harder than you would think). We got some more news from a family member about a very difficult situation I can't really go into. So pushing aside grief and exhaustion we worked all day long on the phone to try to make sense of this situation. By the end of the day Noah and I were in tears and just too tired to make sentences. In the middle of yesterday, we were surprised by Noah's brother who surprised us from Korea. He didn't know that his grandfather had died until he landed. But what a week to visit! We almost couldn't celebrate his arrival because of the hurt and sadness weighing our hearts down.

Now in front of us, we have an 11 hr trip (one way) to Florida for the funeral, then the drive back. All of this is sandwiched in between the two big events I've been counting down to for months!

#1.We are finding out sweet pea's gender tomorrow and not finding out till our Gender Revealing party tomorrow night.

#2.We've been planning our yearly trip to visit friends of ours in Louisville, KY for months. We always have such an encouraging and fun time with them. Annie and I have been planning MAJOR consignment sale shopping especially since we are both expecting babies at the beginning of the year. AND I will know the baby's sex by then. I KNOW it sounds so trite and silly compared to all we have going on...but I just wanted one trip to be fun and drama free. I just was dying to go spend quality time with friends...and I've been dreaming of the deals I'd find.

We don't even know how we are going to work out #2 but we're trying to figure it out.

All in all, this has been the hardest year of our marriage...not marriage-wise but just situation wise.

2010

The first of the year on a "vacation" to Florida to be a part of a friend's wedding, there was a huge ice storm in florida, it rained the whole time, and we all three got the flu.

After recovering from that, we realized that we were in major trouble financially as deals fell through and the "new normal" of the housing market set in. We learned a whole lot the next few months about saving and setting aside money for leaner times.

Then I got pregnant, and was sick.

Then I miscarried and was heartsick.

Then my grandmother died and we all got the nora virus and were sick for a week.

Then I got pregnant and then sick for the next 3 months.

Then we went to CA, which was a fun trip but also emotionally draining for reasons I can't go into.

Then my Uncle died and we went to Charleston.

Then our friend James died and we went to Charlotte.

Now we are dealing with the death of a loved grandparent and a crisis situation right smack dab in the middle of a time we've been looking forward to.

It's a lot to deal with but I am so thankful for a calm and loving husband and most of all that I serve a God who does not make mistakes.

16 Weeks

16 Weeks.

Dear Sweet Pea,

What changes have taken place in the past two weeks! I no longer feel empty or "fake pregnant" because you've finally grown so much that I can feel my uterus. I don't feel you move as much now that you have popped up above my pubic bone, because for now you have a lot of free space to do your twirls and flips. Once in a while, when I'm lying down, with my hand on my tummy, I can feel you flipping. Daddy got to feel you too one day this past week.

I am feeling better for the most part. I have a couple good days followed by a bad day but I'm thankful to be able to get out of bed, take care of your brother (who is into EVERYTHING!:-) ), cook, and clean this dirty house that has overtaken me in the past three months.

In the next week or so we get to find out if you're a girl or boy and I cannot wait! It's going to make it so real to know.

I haven't been craving anything but did eat a lot of potato soup and grits this week.

I have been having a lot of discomfort in my lower tummy. I don't know if it's just me being sensitive to you growing, or if it is sore muscles from throwing up so much, or what is wrong but it is extremely uncomfortable to lay on my back on stomach.

For some reason I feel this week like I'm for real pregnant. And seeing you as a baby and not a little blob on an ultrasound will help so much with that too.

I held a newborn yesterday and my heart started to get so excited about holding you someday soon.

Love Mama

Heavy Heart

Today I have felt nearly normal. The thought of food did not disgust me at all until 5 pm tonight. That is progress people! Although my body is feeling better, my heart is heavy; so very heavy. We found out Wednesday morning that a sweet friend of ours was killed in Iraq. 22 years old. It's the first person I've personally known to have died because of the war. As much as it just sucks that someone so bright, so compassionate, so full of life, died at such a young age. I KNOW that he loved the Lord. The heartbreaking part is thinking about his family. Parents, 5 brothers and sisters, but most of all I think of his wife. I was the photographer for their wedding 2 years ago and also for their engagement pictures. Although they were young to get married by the world's standards, they had such a maturity about them that was pretty special.

It's a pretty amazing thing to be a photographer. You get to witness some of the most intimate and special moments hidden behind a lense. The way she fit into his arms, the way he lovingly reached for her hand, the playfulness they had was just beautiful to be a witness to. And now, 2 years later, that precious bride is a widow.

My mind is flooded with thoughts...

When you marry someone, you imagine growing old with them. You say you'll be with them forever and you can't imagine loving someone else.

But you also don't plan on loosing the love of your life at 22. With 60+ years ahead of her she must just be shocked to have to rethink it everything.

Babies. I know that is a subject on most wives minds after a couple years of marriage. What if she was so excited about becoming a mom and seeing her husband as a dad? And now, she's back at square one.

How can you go on with your life when the person you thought you'd spend it with is gone? It must be such a huge shock.

The morning I found out, I was angry. Then I read on his Facebook wall, where his Mom had written this:

Jamie - me and dad miss you so much - we know that God had a plan for your life and that His purpose for you life has been accomplished - ...

What a testamony of Christ when a grieving mother can see through the utter shock and dispair of the situation and instead of blaming God, focus that Jamie's purpose for his life, the reason that he was created, had been fulfilled. That calmed and comforted my heart.

Please do keep the McClamrock family in your prayers.

I have a tired mind right now. It's like everything is just so much mental energy, that I'd rather not try. My voicemail is full...with messages several days old. I can't bare to check them because I know it will lead to more things I need to do, but yet don't want to. It's not laziness because in the past couple of days I've managed to get out of bed and really start getting this crazy house back in order from my 3 month hiatus due to puking my guts out every second. I've been working hard and seeing results...like the 6 baskets of dirty laundry is clean and PUT AWAY. It's more relational laziness. I feel like when I'm talking to someone at church or out and about, I almost fall asleep. I have so many, SO many good friends. People I want to stay friends with for the next 20 years. But for some reason I'm so overwhelmed with the people I'm not keeping up with. I think I'm also turning inward and wanting to be homebody with just me, Noah and Barclay. I have been on the road non stop for the past...lifetime and I'm just enjoying my home and wanting to stay here. My sister is staying with us for the next couple of days and I cried when I found out she was coming a day early. Not because I don't want her here. Not because she's an inconvenience. I love her and I want her here. It's almost like I feel I'm being robbed of quality time with Noah. And I feel awful about it. It must be something God put in us women at this point in pregnancy. A serious, strong urge to nestle in our nest with our family.

Oh I miss socializing and I know I'll be back to my crazy running around before too long, but right now I want to curl up with Noah on the couch and watch Barclay sing and dance.

Issues

I have a lot of them. Sometimes I think I have WAY more issues than the average person. My issue for the past 3 months has been how much I pee every time I puke. I've been doing Kegel exercises and it still isn't helping. There are seriously "stations" all around my house that always contain a container or sink or toilet or bathtub, a towel on the floor and a pair of pants or skirt and underwear. I went around my house today to count how many "stations" I have since yesterday...5! And I have a very limited maternity wardrobe so this means I am constantly doing laundry!

Today in church I was singing and all the sudden I gagged and next thing I knew...I had thrown up in my hands! Since I was sitting on the third row in front of EVERYONE, I tried to non discreetly nudge Noah out of my way so I could not make a scene. He thought I was wanting to snuggle or something because he wrapped his arm around me! I then had to basically bulldoze him to get out. Once in the bathroom I realize quickly that I was going to have another "station" here. So in one quick, almost graceful swoop...pants and underwear came off and I am now standing in our church restroom naked from the waist down, and vomiting...and peeing. A sweet friend came to check on me and jumped up on the toilet so she wouldn't see how awkwardly naked I was at that point. Not that she really could have seen me but you know, through that tiny crack...maybe.

Then I had to grab paper towels and clean the floor (which spread to the other two stalls) while naked. Because I kept vomiting. At the end of the ordeal I finally put my pants back on, got a drink of water and returned to worship. The whole time I was thinking, what is my deal? When will I get it together? And when, O Lord, is this nausea going to leave me for good?

Also in the same strand of story. Last Monday at my Great Uncle's funeral. It was hot hot hot outside. Midday in August in Charleston SC is quite warm and we were having the burial around 12:30. It was a sad day since he was such a special (Grandfather like) man to me. I was standing in the sun and witnessing one of the most moving moments I've ever seen as the presented the American Flag to my great aunt and thanking her for her and her husband's sacrifice to this country. Everyone lost it and tears were flowing freely. My tears were flowing so freely and so was a lot of snot. I got kind of dizzy and I tried to move away from the crowd to gather myself. My foot got caught in one of the large flower arraignments...a large cross made of Lillies. And we got all twisted up and were on our way to falling to the ground. I heard a huge, collective gasp and several people rushed to my rescue. Then I started laughing uncontrollably and crying uncontrollably because I was so embarrassed. That solemn moment did not last long. Thankfully several people told me they didn't even notice so maybe I didn't ruin the whole funeral.

At least life is never boring.

14 Weeks

14 Weeks

Dear Sweet Pea,

This past week we explored San Diego with your Aunt Katie Beth. It was so much fun! We ate yogurt every day, snorkeled in the freezing water, biked, went to Sea World, and saw so many exciting things.

This was the first week in months that I felt like getting out of bed, so that worked out well. I started feeling very awkward this week. As in, sleeping on my stomach makes feel like I'm squishing you. I also feel very strange walking around. Almost like I'm fake pregnant. I'm showing a good amount but it's still so squishy and I feel like you're still so small. I felt you move a LOT this week. So much one day I was actually worried. You were probably so excited with all the nutrients you were getting.

I think about you nearly every second and I cannot wait because in 3 weeks we find out if you're a Lucy or a Sullivan:-)

I love you precious baby. Keep growing!

Love your Mama

I'm Back!

In more ways than one.

We got in late last night from a wonderful trip to visit my sister in San Diego, CA.

And during the course of the trip, my extreme, crippling morning sickness has subsided and I am left with manageable, regular morning sickness. I'll take it!

I feel like I'm emerging from a dark storm that has lasted more than half the year...the perpetual first trimester. I counted it up and so far this year I have been in the first trimester for 25 weeks. That just sucks.

So I'm feeling better, I'm feeling like blogging, getting out of bed, maybe even eating! So stay tuned because I think I'm back to blogging:-)

I'll leave you this photo I snapped of a very cool tourist we saw on the California coast.

12 Weeks Pregnant

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 12 Weeks

Best Moment this week: Feeling the baby move with my hand yesterday.

Movement: Yes:-)

Food Craving: The things that actually stayed down this week...Japanese Chicken Salad and black eyed peas.

What I miss: Eating food and being able to go a day without puking.

Sleep: I've been sleeping either like a rock (thank you unisom!) or horribly. Mostly it is because I have a thousand bug bites all over my legs and also the nausea...and also the peeing.

What I am looking forward to: Flying to CA next week to see my sister!

I've been meaning to blog...wanting to blog, but every time I click the "new post" button, and am staring at that blank white screen, all I want to write is, "I'm so freaking sick!"

And I'm pretty sure everyone...friends, family, neighbors, blog readers, EVERYONE would love it if I would just feel better and get on with my life. I would in fact like that myself.

It's been a really REALLY hard summer. Being this sick affects every single thing. I feel like friendships have been stretched and some have been shoved to the back burner. Because I just do not have the energy or the desire to do anything outside of the bare essentials.

I feel like a very uninvolved mother, as I lay on the couch calling out to Barclay to come back. Or watching sister after sister do all the things I want to be doing, but simply cannot.

I feel like a very selfish wife as I cannot cook dinner, shop, clean, even wake up sometimes I'm so sick.

BUT the good news is, I am 12 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I am carrying a precious little one inside of me. One that I've felt move already. And I KNOW it will be worth it.

I had a pretty scary, scare about a week ago. After a whole day of really bad stomach cramps, I was just editing photos and I heard a pop and was all of a sudden wet. I ran to the bathroom and was shocked to find that a mixture of water, mucus and blood everywhere. I thought my water had broken and I knew at 11 weeks, there wasn't anything they could do. I was so sure this pregnancy was over. After talking with my midwife, she said I was either going to miscarry again or that perhaps a cyst had ruptured. It's been a week and no more blood and lots more morning sickness...so I'm assuming I still have a healthy baby inside. And I'll take that any day over being sick.

Sounds good to me...

Nothing. Nothing sounds good to me. Not Popsicles, not chicken soup, not ginger ale, not crackers, not a single thing.

Here's what sounds good to me. Take me to a hospital, put me in a coma for the next two months, hook me up to an IV, and put a warm blanket on top, and somehow let me not miss a moment of my ever growing and changing son.

Yes please!

Sweet Boy

Barclay is the cutest thing ever. I just want to quickly write down some of his endearing traits because I never ever want to forget them!

-He loves to sit on things. Steps, chairs, tiny cups, boxes, legos, deodorant tops...

He is so careful to place it directly beneath is bottom and slowly sit down. Then he sits atop of it like a little perched bird.

-He is really into saying Bow bow all the time, which means he wants to bump elbows with you.

-He loves having his face rubbed. He turns to jelly and goes all limp, eyes rolling with delight.

-His favorite foods are ma mayen (watermelon) and awt dawgs (hot dogs with a southern drawl)

-He is a very neat little boy, just like his daddy and is constantly running up to me with a tiny speck of dirty on his finger saying, "Ewwwww! Ewww!"

-He loves brushing his teeeet! (Teeth)

-He kisses my belly all the time and talks about the bebe all the time.

-When he calls out "mama! Mama!" my heart melts every single time.

-He can be entertained for minutes trying to pick at a stray fingernail.

-He loves playing hid and go seek.

-Once in a long while he'll spend a few minutes snuggling me in the crook of my neck. It's literally heaven.

It takes a Village

I've been thinking a lot about the saying, "It takes a Village to raise a child." I'm finding that to be very true of my child lately.

With feeling so poorly and being so tired and sickly, my family has really stepped up to the plate. All my sisters (except the one in CA, who I know would if she could) have come over numerous times to just serve and minister to me. My 12 year old sister, spent the night one night and folded all my laundry, helped me go through bills, prepared food for Noah, and woke up at 6 with Barclay. My 17 year old sister has gone grocery shopping for me twice and babysat, even though she works like four jobs. My 21 year old sister has come over, after cleaning, cooking, and caring for the 5 kids she nannies for, and cooked and cleaned my house. One night she stayed up till after midnight doing dishes for me.

My mother in law has come over so I could sleep in. My mother has kept Barclay and cooked me soup and listen to me cry over and over. My father in law has kept Barclay too many times to count.

I seriously don't know how I would make it through this very rough patch without them. What do people do without families who care enough about them to sacrifice of themselves to help you out?

The only thing is, next time we think about adding a new baby to the mix, instead of just deciding between Noah and I we should probably check that it's a good time for the many people who will be helping us for the months to come.

Venting

I have the worst bladder infection ever that wont leave and my stomach is swollen (with baby and bladder) and it hurts all.the.time. It hurts to sit, to lay, to stand.

I cannot stop throwing up, even on Zofran. I puke everywhere, especially in cups while driving.

I'm so tired.

I'm so emotional.

I cannot keep up with my house, or my 18 month old.

I am not being good about returning phone calls or emails or blogging.

I haven't blogged in forever because I have been feeling so terrible. So awful that I don't even feel like talking, writing, updating.

I'm just so spent and tired by 8 am, I can't believe I make it the rest of the day.

But I did want to pinch myself and make myself sit at the computer and record today's lovely happening:-)

I went to my midwifery for an early ultrasound today. I've been so ill that I wasn't too worried, but the closer it actually got the more feelings and memories started rushing back to me. It was like I was reliving it a little bit again. The shock and disbelief of finding out a pregnancy that I wanted so much wasn't going to work out.

It was wonderful today to find a baby and a heart beat within seconds. There it was. My baby. At 9 weeks on an older machine, there isn't a whole lot to oogle over. But I was so thankful for that little squiggly blob with a beating heart.

I remember after the DandC, staring at picture after picture on facebook or blogs of ultrasounds. Healthy ultrasounds with growth and movement. One in particular I remember someone posting... "Here's our little blob" I wanted to scream and shout, "I would give ANYTHING for a blob!!!". So here I am several months later, celebrating the sweet little blob inside of me.

After getting home, I had the sudden urge to play in the sprinklers with Barclay. There is something so magical about sprinklers. It's like life is in slow motion and every thing is beautiful. I suddenly remembered in the middle of playing that after the ultrasound that confirmed we weren't going to be having any babies this April, I played in the sprinkler with Barclay, tears streaming down my face. I remember exactly how I felt then. It was pretty special to compare the joy in my heart today with the weight and sadness of my heart that day.

So here is my little Sweet Pea. I must say, this picture freaks me out a little bit. The baby was moving around and was all blurry, when all of a sudden, it stopped and looked at us and was still for a while. Can you see the eyes and mouth? I mean, it looks fake doesn't it? Like I just drew it in? Well I didn't! That is a for real smile from our little sweet pea. It makes me laugh so much! It just looks like a little cartoon!

Guilt

I've been really having some serious feelings of guilt come over me the past 4 weeks. When I'm pregnant (and I can say this because I've been pregnant 3 times!), I feel like I constantly have the flu and the stomach bug. I feel cranky, tired...like fall asleep brushing my teeth type of tired, and I puke all the time at the drop of a hat.

As much as I LOVE being a mother, things like changing diapers, running outside in the heat, FEEDING him and fighting with him to get him to eat...all those things are not things I want to do! I know I sound like a 2 year old but I simply want to quit...for the next couple weeks. I want to not have to think about anything, I want to sleep all the way through the night, I want to sleep in, I want to have a moment to myself to even process what's going on with me.

All this is to say that I feel so guilty for not loving Barclay enough. I feel guilty for feeding him nothing but hotdogs for 2 weeks. I feel guilty for never dressing him. I feel guilty tuning his wining and crying out, for not being as excited as I should be at his little discoveries, for not taking him outside to explore more, for not soaking up every second of the last couple months of his babiness.

I feel guilty for not doing laundry, not cleaning, not cooking, for eating a lot of take out (pretty much avacado rolls were the ONLY thing I could keep down for a while there), for not being able to handle pretty much anything other than the bare necessities mentally. I feel guilty for making Noah get up almost every morning because I know the second my feet hit the floor, I will start feeling awful.

I love this little sweet pea in my belly and sometimes I want to sit around, be sick and just think about it. I want to be selfish.

But I'm also a mother to Barclay and a wife to Noah. And I'm doing a pretty poor job of it lately. I already feel like I'm splitting my attention with Barclay and the new baby. And as much as I love and wanted and prayed for this new baby, I feel a little resentful deep down in my heart. I'm sad that it's summer time and I cannot muster up the energy to be a good mom to Barclay. I'm sad that Barclay is growing up so fast. I'm just sad I cannot be all or do all.

Just like her...

This morning we were running late and even considered skipping church. We had a number of excuses up our sleeve:

-I was puking

-Barclay had been up half the night

-We were like an hour behind in everything

-I have done minimal laundry since the dreaded morning sickness had hit and we had limited choices for clothes to wear...very limited.

-Our regular pastor wasn't preaching

-Several of our good friends who go to our church were out of town.

-I felt like death warmed over...Noah felt like death warmed over.

-Barclay was covered in raspberry remnants

We decided we still wanted to push through and go. I even decided to curl my hair and put on a little makeup! Wonder of wonders, since I usually go to church with my hair soaking wet from my shower 20 minutes earlier. I was feeling pretty proud of myself, like I had it all together...When I realized that I had forgotten shoes! So I attended church, downtown, barefooted...and pregnant, with a baby on my hip:-)

I was so tickled because my grandmother was known for going places and forgetting to bring her shoes all the time. I've been missing her so much lately, and It was so comforting to know that I carry some of her spunk inside of me:-)

Little Princess

I grew up the oldest of 5 girls. Growing up, I felt like my little sisters were my babies. I would rock them, hold them, feed them, love them...it never stopped. I still feel that way and most of them are all grown up!:-)

I love each one in their own personal way. Each one is so deep and special in a way that is their own.

Julianna. The middle of us five girls. The thoughtful one. The methodical one. The dreamer. She was always the princess in our games. She was always draped over a chair with her eyes glazed over...dreaming about her prince charming. She was a hopeless romantic and the cutest little serious thing you've ever seen. You would often find her in some sort of silky night gown dancing around the house and singing her little heart out.

After watching our parents go through a heartbreaking divorce and not having a dad around, I watched as Julianna's belief in romance and happily ever afters dissipated. After a few years it was gone. She had no hope in men. I remember hearing her go on and on about how physically sick thinking about loving a boy would make her. She would express disgust in the prospect of marriage. I told her time and again that when she found the right person, she would change her mind. "No! Never!" She would say. She grew up so beautifully but part of her heart was so protected, and there was a hardness there. She wanted to be independent and make her own decisions. She didn't need a boy to make her happy.

Then Drew happened...

In the past year and a half I have been witness to the most beautiful process of Julianna falling in love, finding forgiveness, finding grace and mercy and compassion. I've seen her be transformed and made an even more beautiful creature simply by opening her heart. I know it sounds cheesy but it seriously has been like watching a rose bloom. I emailed and talked with her for hours and hours about her fears and concerns and worries. But in the end she decided to trust not only Drew, but God.

Last Friday I snuck down to Charleston SC to photograph this man of her dreams proposing to her! I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world as I secretly watched them walk out to the ocean, arms intertwined. I squealed with joy as he got down on one knee and even from so far away, I could just FEEL Julianna's heart beating as she danced around with happiness.

Today I watched as my beautiful sister tried on wedding gowns. One in particular brought out a sweet, shy, exuberant smile. Her eyes glistened with romance and she was jumping up and down on her perfectly pointed toes. I just cried as I saw that sweet little girl I have loved for her whole life, overflowing with gratefulness and love.

God is so good.

TMI

About a year ago I wrote about the horrible morning sickness I had with Barclay and how I coped with it. With this pregnancy, I have to add one more essential to the list of ways to cope...adult diapers. No I haven't bought any yet, but man, I guess I haven't done enough kegels since birthing a baby because every single time I puke (you know...in the car, standing in the kitchen, at the grocery store) I pee. It's just plain embarrassing!

And another word of friendly advice...don't google image search adult diapers.