Friday, November 26, 2010

I want to be better

I am so frustrated and disappointed with myself. I want so badly to be a certain way. I want to be easy going, cheerful, organized, and patient. I want so badly to have a nicely kept house and cook good healthy meals that are affordable.
Instead I find myself flying by the seat of my pants every day of my life, and I constantly say to me, and my poor husband, "It's just because of *blank* (insert chaotic situation). I promise after a few days I'll get it together."
I find myself getting it together right before something else that ruins my groove, and then I'm back at the beginning.
I have tried everything. I've tried keeping detailed lists in notebooks. I have a planner, I have a cleaning schedule. I try to say no to 25% of things so I don't over book. I try so hard. I TRY SO HARD. But trying isn't enough.
Noah and I have been having our yearly "tune up" with our wonderful marriage counselor and I am finding that 90% of all my problems result in my lack of margin. Meaning I don't bubble myself with extra time to do things like sweep up something if I spill it or remember something.
Two days ago I scheduled the morning for grocery shopping since we had no groceries and I was making several dishes for the Thanksgiving festivities.
So I loaded Barclay up in the car. We drive into town and I realize that I have no diaper bag, and no wallet. Then I realize that my phone which I had charged all morning was dying. I couldn't get in touch with Noah to get my diaper bag, so I went to my father in law's house to borrow cash. By the time I got there my allotted time was dwindling and and I had to go back and teach a violin lesson.
Those type of things always happen. I am constantly amazed at the end of the day that I am alive and have accomplished the essential things. But as for doing anything extra...it's just not happening.
I'm tired of blaming my pregnancy sickness. I'm tired of blaming all the crisis situations that we have come in contact with this year. I am tired of apologizing to guests who come over. I just want to be better. For me and my poor husband.

7 comments:

  1. I can relate to this post so much. But you truly ARE good enough!! And you bless everyone who knows you.

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  2. I feel the same way friend. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one. Love you! Just remember that it's only in Christ that we can make it! He is enough. Now if I could only start acting like I believe it...

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  3. OMG! When i read your post I could truly relate. I'm 42 and my children are older at ages 22, 18 and 15. I felt like I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and "wham!" a family situation arises and I'm starting over again. I adopted my niece. This time I'm going to try to slow down and enjoy the journey. I hope you do the same :)

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  4. I think that we (as woman) can so easily fall into that pattern. And you are right, its not for a lack of trying to stay away from it!

    You mentioned the lack of margin....I don't know what your days look like, but I normally only plan one thing per day (if I can help it, which usually I can).
    If I am grocery shopping today, that is THE thing I will be doing today. Or else I get too tired, etc and don't get it done

    If I am cleaning (and usually this involves only or two rooms...never the entire house) today, THAT Is what I am doing today.

    just a thought =)

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