I remember the day we found out that Barclay was a boy. I was terrified that he would be. Laying on the ultrasound table, the minute they put the goo on my tummy, I knew. I held my breath when they confirmed the news and faked a smile. We got in the car and called all our family and friends to tell them the results. Everyone was so excited. As soon as we were done spreading the news, I broke down and cried. Oh I felt like such a terrible Mom already for feeling so disappointed. Some of the concerns I had were:
"How can I breastfeed a boy?"-I know probably the silliest of all things, but for a few hours I just couldn't imagine doing it.
"He will never love me as much as he loves Noah."-
"I don't know how to play with boys."
"I know everything to play with girls."
"I'm going to be left out."
All my dreams of frilly dresses and tea parties went out the window and I was left with a big question mark over my head.
The next morning, I woke up and I decided I was going to bond with this little boy and start being excited about his arrival. I felt so guilty for being so silly the night before. I started by buying little boy outfits and shoes at goodwill. I would go for hours, sit on the floor, and sort through bins and bins of stained onezies and socks...to find pure treasures. Little outfits that are all boy. I started feeling butterflies in my stomach at the sight of all things boy. I started collecting old books about boyhood adventures ( Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer, Treasure Island, Robin Hood ). I based his room off of them and had the time of my life decorating it with all sorts of things I'd find that were classic boy. The day we decided on a name, I started calling him that and felt even closer. I would watch little boys of all ages and see all the great things that made them so special. The way an airplane would make their eyes light up like stars, the mischievous grin on their face when they were caught...all these things made my heart yearn for MY boy.
The day Barclay was born, it didn't matter. Gender was so irreverent. He was gender neutral to me (well...I guess not when poor baby got circumcised...). He was just my baby. The joy of my heart. I didn't think of him as boy or girl. That was probably one of the most surprising things to me about motherhood.
Last week I found out son number 2 is on his way. I wont lie. I cried a little after the guests left from the party. My heart sighed a little for the dresses I've saved in my hope chest that will have to wait for a little girl to wear them. I'd started to convince myself it was a girl. I'd even started calling the baby Lucy. I think, also, with such a hard pregnancy, I was hoping that I'd get a girl and could be done...(fat chance;-)
The morning after, I woke up and started becoming as giddy as a school girl at the thought of my little boy to come.
We've decided on a name, Henry Sullivan George. He'll go by Sullivan. Henry is a family name on my dad's side and Noah and I LOVE it. We actually almost named Barclay that. Sullivan is for Sullivan's Island, SC where my Grandparents lived, where I lived for a few years, and where I have millions of specials memories.
I am loving calling this baby by name. I love talking about "the boys":-) Saying sentences like, "we should put that in the boy's room..." makes it so real! One of the best things I love about having boys is the chance to, with God's help, raise men of honor. What a huge responsibility and what a precious blessing.
Here's to being outnumbered!