Coming soon...

Last year I posted about What Not to Wear. Well I'm headed off to Merlefest 2010 and I'm going to do the same thing. Only this time I'll protect the guilty with a black bar across their eyes.

The Big Uh Oh!

I don't know how he manages to do it, but Barclay is the MASTER at finding every little thing he isn't sapposed to get into. Right when I feel the house is safe and baby proofed...he finds something else.

Apparently I didn't shut the bathroom door like I usually am so careful to do. Because I kept hearing running water and couldn't figure it out. I when into the bathroom and found this. Barclay had turned the water on and overflowed the tub. I have no idea how long it was running like this.

Well thankfully the water didn't overflow on the wood floor...Bad news is we never really caulked the tub to the tile. I'm careful not to splash so it's been low on our priorety list. Well the running water was the sound of the water draining under the tub into our sub flooring.

Hopefully I caught it before it did too much damage.

Silly little boy!

The tub in all of its infinity pool glory.

And yes that is a naked bottom painting...done by moi.

That's right honey...uh oh!

I'm linking up to Myra's Friday Fails

I feel sort of exposed. Naked really. This blog has been such a great place for me to record my feelings, the love I feel for Barclay...the love that cannot be described...and the frustrations and the sadness that come with life. I've loved sharing it with all of you who read.

But I feel like maybe I've taken it a little too far. I feel like a lot of people have stopped reading, because who wants to read the sad feelings of a tired mother day after day?

The past couple days I've felt like ending my blog and continuing to journal privately. In a place where it doesn't matter. But I love to blog, I love hearing from people who feel the same way or have experienced the same things. I love the random comments I get or the emails that say that my blog encourages them. So I'm going to stick to it. Because I just have been reading my posts from a year ago and the feelings of that time washed over me. What a special treasure to have such intimate feelings recorded.

So if you hate reading about our money troubles, my frustrations with my toddler, or my sadness over the loss of a pregnancy...come back in a few months...I'm sure I will have learned a lot from it all.

Sigh

I sort of feel like I am at rock bottom. I started the fall at the beginning of the year. It started with the worst trip ever, spiraling into closing after closing getting pushed back (my husband is a realtor), sickness from pregnancy, a miscarriage, and more and more closings getting postponed (and therefore the payment of our bills postponed).

Every day, at the end of the day, when we put Barclay to bed, Noah and I just stare at each other, eyes brimming with tears and we just cry out how tired we are from trying and nothing paying off.

We both work hard. Noah works a hard 14 hours a day, 6 1/2 days a week. I work from home with my photography business (which has slowed down big time). We have been cutting back on almost everything.

(I haven't been to a thrift store in 2 months!)

I was so discouraged today after organizing coupons and making lists, to realize that I didn't even have the money to buy the good deals. All that work, all that trying...it just doesn't seem to be paying off.

The hardest part of all this is watching my husband sink deeper and deeper into despair. He is usually the most warm and jovial person, but every day he becomes more and more discouraged. He constantly tells me he feels like he's drowning.

I feel so helpless as a wife. And as much as I want to be a respite for him. A calm wife with a calm home...it's just the opposite. I'm so strung out from caring for Barclay all day and I feel like I am a leech. I crave intimacy and conversation so much. If he'd let me I would lie my body completely on top of his and just stay that way.

It's been tough because as I'm dealing with the emotions and hormone changes from loosing our babies, he's been dealing with trying to keep us afloat. We're both almost too tired to be someone strong for the other to lean on.

At least sex is free.

Today has been one of those days where I feel like a failure.

I have failed as a supportive and calming wife.

I have failed as a loving wife.

I have failed as a listening wife.

I have failed as a patient mama

I have failed as a consistent mama

I have failed failed failed at disciplining Barclay

I have failed to have an inviting and welcoming home

I have failed as a housekeeper

I have failed as a cook

I have failed as a lovely, even tempered woman.

I have failed in my workouts which I had really worked on all week.

I have failed in my financial decisions.

I have failed so many friends.

I have failed so many family.

I am sitting here covered in yogurt from trying to feed my very stubborn baby. I'm worn down and all I want to do is lay on the couch, eat peanut butter cookies, and watch mindless TV.

I don't want to talk to my husband.

I don't want to discuss money

I don't want to discuss jobs

I don't want to think about the week ahead.

I don't want to change diapers

I don't want to bath a baby

I want to be selfish. I want to be alone for just one minute.

Uggg I'm disgusted with myself today. I truly hate the person I was today. I detest her.

If I were my husband I would want out.

If I were my baby I would want out.

But they are stuck with me.

I'm truly thankful that no matter how disgusting I am. No matter how vile and ill and sinful, God loves me and he sees me pure as snow. Because I am his. He lives in me. And nothing I do changes that.

Once upon a time...

Yesterday I was determined to be productive. I've been using www.motivatedmoms.com as a guide and have been doing pretty well. I've been really happy with the results so far even though I can only accomplish about half of the things on the list for the day. Yesterday I did every single thing. It took me all day long and I was beat by the end of it, but for the first time in FOREVER I checked everything off my list.

Laying in bed last night, I was trying to think of the last time I felt like I had done everything on my list...I think it was college!

That got me to thinking and reminiscing...

College:

The good life. I had half of a tiny dorm room to keep clean and I didn't even keep that clean (Brandy you can attest to that). I only had to wash MY clothes...and I could get by on every 2-3 weeks! I didn't have to cook or worry about groceries. I had almost zero financial need. I could choose to study, socialize, be creative, go for a run...I could do whatever I wanted. I had SO little responsibilities.

That time seems like forever ago... I keep seeing this image of myself: blond, tanned, cute, just running down the road...free as a bird.

And yet I felt so stressed out all the time. So worried about this and that.

Married Life:

After one day, I became one with another person. I started sharing his burdens with mine. We bought a house, we had a mortgage, jobs were lost, food needed to be made, a whole, tiny house had to be cleaned. I had to think about buying Noah shampoo when he was out, or toilet paper...just things you never think about.

That time seems forever ago...I keep seeing a glimpse of myself then, tanned, blond, cute, laughing, barefoot in the kitchen, cooking something (probably awful) for my husband. We were so free! We could do whatever we wanted. We could leave at the drop of a hat and go on a road trip. We could stay up late watching movies and sleep in late all snuggled in the bed.

And yet I felt so stressed out all the time!

Having a Newborn:

After one day, I was now a mommy. I now had to juggle thinking about three people (and me a lot less than everyone else). I had to be on demand around the clock for my lovely milk. I was all of a sudden put in charge of keeping a human alive. I had a bigger house to clean, we had a bigger mortgage to pay.

I think of myself in two ways here:

#1.Naked, crying, covered in milk and spit up, holding a screaming baby and wishing for sleep.

I felt so overwhelmed! How could I make it another day?

#2.Snuggled up in bed with the sweetest little baby...enjoying every milky breath and savoring the delight of being a mom.

then I had a crawler...and I couldn't remember why in the world an immobile baby caused me such angst! I mean, what did I do all day with a newborn? Oh yeah! I nursed.

then I had a walker...and I couldn't remember why having a crawler who was so easily entertained with a spoon and so easily soothed was so overwhelming.

Now I am constantly trying to protect, sooth, interact with this little one.

And then I think back to college...

It's so funny how far I've come. Every season of life has seemed overwhelming. Only to look back and wonder why.

Naked Adventure

Today I was reading some blogs about getting locked out and I was reminded of a story that really needs to be told...it's that good...and that bad.

We lived in this one apartment one summer three years ago. It was part of a bunch of quadplexes grouped together. It had a nice screened in porch with blinds that came about half way down the screens. I set up all my oil painting supplies out there and almost every day would strip down naked and paint. No one could see anything but my legs, and I enjoyed some naked time (very precious) AND did not have to worry about getting clothes dirty.

I enjoyed one of these painting days one day when Noah was at work. I painted away and enjoyed being completely naked without anyone knowing. After feeling like I had done some good work, I went to go inside our apartment...only to realize that I was locked out. I was stuck with no phone and no way of getting in or out. Noah wasn't due home for another 4 hours. So I weighed my options and decided to make a break for it. I broke one of the screens (which we had to pay for when we moved out) grabbed a roll of canvas and wrapped myself in it. I ran upstairs to our very strange, upstairs, lesbian neighbors (surprise surprise!) and had to ask to use the phone. I don't think she ever thought the day would come when a 21 year old showed up naked and wrapped in canvas at her door. I called Noah and demanded that he drive home immediately to rescue me. He was pretty furious because he hates all my naked drama stories. But man did I ever laugh about it.

I crawled back in the porch (remember I am stark neked!) and waited for Noah to come rescue me.

Every day,

I sit at my computer and just stare blankly at the screen. My facebook status...what should I say? I just want to write over and over every hour, "I'm so sad!"

My blog...what should I write about?..."I'm so sad. I'll still sad."

My heart actually feels heavy.

-I'm so tired of bleeding. I know it's normal but I'm just ready for it to be over.

-I go back to the Doctor on Friday, he's already told me that he prefers his patients wait 3-4 months before trying again (yeah...not happening.)

-Is he going to be mad at me if I get pregnant in the next couple months?

-I'm addicted to Collard Greens cooked with shallots, garlic, a little butter and white wine....Oh my word so good.

-It might just be my lack of patience, but it really seems like Barclay is just so fussy all the time.

-I had a friend come over today who basically is going through the exact same situation as I am. It was so wonderful to talk openly for hours about our babies and our hearts.

-I had zero stretch marks from Barclay but have three little ones on my side from this last pregnancy. Little reminders.

-Does anyone want to buy our house? It's really cute. I want to move so bad. I want to move to a smaller place near town. Where the neighbors are actually pleasant and there is no Home Owners Association. Where I can have community. We have a nice view though...if you're interested.

Frustrating Day.

No one is doing anything excited on Facebook or Blogs...This is my outlet to the outside world. So my day has been sort of boring.

However:-) One of my dear friends had a baby girl this morning, so that little visit should considerably cheer me up.

Remembering

Some people name the babies they miscarry. I've gone back and forth and have decided not to do this. I have names I have saved up and carried with me in my heart. Names I treasure and can't wait to use. It sounds awful, but I don't want to waste them. I want to continue to save those names for the babies God gives me to keep for a little longer. And I also do not want to just name them something that isn't special. Because they are special.

So I decided to pick a few things that will remind me of them. A few things that whenever I see them, I'll stop to remember.

Daffodils are one thing I've decided. They were in full, beautiful bloom when I was pregnant. And the day I had the D and C I noticed that most of them had closed up, only to be seen in another season. Plus, they are one of the sweetest, happiest, most hopefully little flowers...echoing the coming of such a long awaited spring.

The other thing that will always remind me of my babies is the song Claire de Lune. It is Noah's favorite song in the world. He listens to it on his phone all the time. Several of my memories of this pregnancy were laying in bed dreaming of holding those babies in my arms, and Noah listening to this song. Since I decided to remember them with this song, I have heard it three different times in three different places.

A Refresh

The past couple months I have had zero dollars to yard sale or thrift shop:-( BUT I'm on a huge simplification kick and so it all sort of helps each other out. Two nights ago, I just was frustrated with having things ( I was ready to move into a log cabin with two dresses and a cast iron skillet...but then I remembered that I want to definitely see who wins project runway before I go that far;-) So I just decided that I would find 100 things to donate or give away. It took me 2 hours, but I succeeded. It just was the kick in the butt I needed to get rid of "that dress that I wear only if no laundry has been done in a significant amount of time, and no one is going to see me..." or the THREE belly button rings I found at goodwill for ten cents (new) that I have saved for 4 years, in case I ever need a present for a friend with a belly button ring (this situation surprisingly has not come up yet!). So I got rid of those things I've been keeping around and it felt GOOD. I donated a large garbage bag full, 4 boxes, and a printer.

Anyhow, I still want to always update my house...it makes me feel happy. So with my no money, simplifaction situation, I decided to work on these two precious oil paintings my grandmother gave me for Christmas two years ago.

I adore the fresh green color and the simple subject, but I detest brass frames, so they had not been hung in our house.

So spray painted the frames black and I am in love...they are so me!

I hung them in our hallway which was previously mostly black and white pictures (which I love) but there is something to be said about warming up a space with color.

These did just that. And for zero dollars, I got my fix:-)

Reason #593 to live in a nudist colony

NO LAUNDRY!

Sometimes I'm suddenly overtaken by extreme grief. It's so deep that I can hardly breath and it's so strong I cannot cry. I just sit there until it passes...

A Man I'm Proud Of

Today is my husband's 29th birthday. This has been a terrible year for many, many reasons. It seemed like come the first of the year, day after day brought new tragedies and hardships. I have seen Noah man up and work harder, I've seen him organize his life better, he's somehow managed to find a way to love me in a way I needed. He's a wonderful, interactive father who loves Barclay with a fierce and protective love. He has been warm arms for me to cry in, a provider who doesn't quit when things are tough.

I have seen more growth in him this year than since I first met him ten years ago. He is definitely not near perfect;-) BUT my heart is SO glad that the things that really matter, he possesses.

This story sums up just how special he really is:

We eat at our favorite Mexican restaurant quite often...(OK a lot. They have our Christmas card next to the register still... and it is April!). Once when we were there, apparently there was an older couple who took notice of Noah and how he treated those around him. Noah let them go ahead of him for waiting for a table. He was engaged and loving to each server, waiter, bus boy. He helped with the baby and talked to those around him. He was genuine and just oozed such a respect for everyone he came in contact with. They got his card and will be using him as their realtor. They told him that they saw how he treated people when no one was "looking", and they wanted to work with someone like that.

That is one of the many stories I could tell you about Noah and his precious heart. Unfortunately today I really couldn't buy him any physical presents this year. We have to wait for some closings for that. But he is so dear and so understanding. I know that just appreciating him for all his hard work will be more than enough.

I'm so sick of unnecessary things!

So tonight I'm getting myself two big trash bags and I am going to get rid of (aka donate) 100 things.

I usually take a load to goodwill every two weeks, but it still isn't enough. Things just invade our lives...

Though my heart is torn...

Music really speaks to my heart. I've always loved this song, but lately this song speaks what is in my heart. I have had it on replay today and it always makes me cry.

Click HERE

So wrong...

I washed some of Barclay's lovies and didn't want to dry them. I hung them up without thinking and was greeted with this dismal sight this morning.

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.

Every single day that passes, things become clearer. This is not a dream. I went around the house picking up maternity clothes and replacing them in the Tupperware box, realizing that this is not a dream. I think last week, I got so desperate for some finality that I became a little bit numb. I stopped feeling emotionally and started thinking medically. For some reason, every day since Friday has become increasingly lonely and sad. Maybe it's the fact that it's really sinking in, maybe it's the fact that the whole world has moved on (like it should), maybe it's all the little comments that are like nails in my heart. (Trivial things like, "Aww what a precious little boy, is he your only child?"-asked by the clerk at Walgreens today). I read Myra's blog and on Sunday she posted this beautiful Hymn. The words, "Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal..." have been balm to my soul.

Come, Ye Disconsolate

Come, ye disconsolate, where’er ye languish,
Come to the mercy seat, fervently kneel.
Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish;
Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.

Joy of the desolate, light of the straying,
Hope of the penitent, fadeless and pure!
Here speaks the Comforter, tenderly saying,
“Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot cure.”

Here see the Bread of Life, see waters flowing
Forth from the throne of God, pure from above.
Come to the feast of love; come, ever knowing
Earth has no sorrow but heaven can remove.

by Thomas Moore, 1816

It's over...

This morning I woke up and just lay in bed pondering the events of this last week. A week ago I woke up knowing it was only 1 more day till I found out if for sure we were having twins. I worked hard all that day to distract myself, because the minutes were crawling by.

And here I was this morning waking up empty. I've had contractions for a couple days which I think are shrinking the uterus back to size. Either way it's a painful and constant reminder of my empty womb.

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Because that would mean I've moved on. If I got out of bed, everything would be one more day removed from me. But I had to, Barclay was hungry, Noah had to get to work, my house was begging for a cleaning...

But now I realize that every day is one more day to the next day, and every new day brings new blessings from the Lord.

But oh how heartbreaking it is to move on.

Pregnancy Pictures

The day that I found out we weren going to loose our babies. I just had this overwhelming desire to take some pregnancy pictures. Because even though I was only 11 weeks, it was a special time and I want to remember it always. I thought I'd share a few. This was after a morning of crying, so I'm a little puffy, but I still think they're beautiful.

Peace that passes all understanding.

The past couple of weeks have been absolute whirlwinds of fear and confusion and extreme devastation.

Thursday night I lay in bed and tears just fell out of my eyes even though I didn't even feel like I was crying. I could barely move. My head was filled will confusion and anger (not at God but at my midwifery who basically didn't handle my situation in responsible manner). I seriously lay there and wondered if I was going to die because I couldn't feel an ounce of life in me. I felt dead.

The next morning I was preparing myself for yet another day of confusion and hurt. I woke up before Noah and just lay my hand on my stomach enjoying a few moments with my pregnancy (even though I knew there was no life inside of me anymore). I prayed that some how God would make this day peaceful.

As I got ready for the day, I put on my favorite flower headband. It just cheered me up.

My sweet friend Sarah came over to watch Barclay and Noah and I headed to this new doctor I had been referred to. A doctor Cuellar. A man. Someone I had never met and felt scared to talk to. We were running late and I was just panicked that things would be pushed till Monday. I walked into the office and it was so peaceful. The receptionist gently greeted me and made me feel comfortable. I then met Dr Cuellar. A kind, grandfatherly, older man with such compassion pouring out of him. He talked with Noah and I for an hour and half. Answered our questions, let us know what was going on medically (something my midwives were flaky about), he examined me and told me he thought that if I had waited it out, it would have been another week or so. He really affirmed my request for a D and C. He rubbed my back as I cried and gave me tissues to dry my tears. He made me feel like I was his only patient (not one that he fit in at the last minute). I told my mom later on, that I wanted him to deliver all my future babies.

He rescheduled patients in order that he could perform the procedure as soon as possible.

He scheduled it at a surgery center instead of the hospital (which is big, confusing, and I had been there three times that week already).

We went and I had 10 minutes to wait in the waiting room. I sat in a rocking chair. I couldn't help but shed some tears as I rocked. I would never, on earth, rock those babies in my arms. But I enjoyed those few moments of rocking.

They took me back and every nurse was so compassionate and tender to me, almost like my mother would have been. The anesthesiologist came in talk with me, and ended up holding my hand and crying with me.

They gave me some relaxant in my IV which made everything peaceful as they rolled me into the operating room. They piled warm blankets on me and then....peace.

I woke up in a recliner with Dr Cuellar talking to me. He said everything went well, that they had found a lot more tissue then they had anticipated (I don't really know what that means) and he was so glad we went ahead with the D and C to avoid infection.

I then spent 40 minutes eating peanut butter cookies and my heart was finally able to start healing. I didn't have to worry or wonder. Everything was done and I could start grieving and start living again.

As hard and awful as the situation was, God gave me a peace that truly passed all understanding that day.

"I had a miscarriage."

I cannot believe those words ring true about me.

I cannot believe that I started this week out expecting to deliver two babies in October, and ended with nothing.

I cannot believe that yesterday I woke up, still pregnant and ended the day empty.

As much as I'm so glad to move on from this horrific week and sad circumstances, there are small things that just sting every time they come up.

Things like knowing that next weekend, I can drink wine with my friends as we have a planned weekend together.

or taking a shower and knowing it didn't matter how hot the water was. Going from protecting the life inside of you with every decision and thought for two months, to having my body back to do whatever I want...because it doesn't matter anymore.

Things like picking up my scatter maternity clothes to replace in a box until next time.

All these little things tug at my heart.

My heart does ache for the babies that I so desperately wanted. Lives I nurtured and protected for 11 weeks. But the Lord has given me such joy and peace in the situation. It's so supernatural and unexplainable.

Hopefully some time today I hope I can write about my day yesterday. It was so calm and so peaceful.

Surrounded

I have been blown away by the love and kind words and notes and offers to help we have received this week.

I'm so thankful for every single one of them. It really is healing my heart.

My daddy texted me this today and it took my breath away.

"Doll, I believe that God is wise and can be trusted."

I'm so exhausted I can barely put two words together.

It's been another roller coaster day, and it's still not over. The D and C I was supposed to have today got moved to tomorrow. Another day of carrying around emptiness.

Today has been a rough day. Just draining. I woke up to a lot of bleeding and spent 2 hours crying in bed convinced this was the miscarriage.

But through out the day...it just sort of dwindled on...

According to the many people I've known who've had miscarriages, it involves a lot more blood than I experienced today.

I know it's over. I know deep down in my heart. I have not allowed myself any hope for tomorrows blood test.

Yesterday I walked in a store and rubbed my belly because I knew that I wouldn't be pregnant with this baby much longer.

This morning, Noah took pictures of me in the new maternity dress my mother in law bought for me last week, because I always wanted to remember the joy I felt this entire pregnancy.

I wrote and dated a last entry in my baby journal I had been keeping.

I cried in bed all morning. Deep cries that are from the depths of my soul. And then I decided to get out of bed and go on with my life. I fed Barclay spaghetti, I cleaned spaghetti off of him. I changed diapers, cleaned out my microwave, did a bridal portrait.

I know it isn't medically over yet, and that scares me.

But I know that this fall I will not be welcoming a baby into my arms. I know it. And believe me, if there were any hope I would grab on to it.

And there is nothing I can do, except be thankful for the 11 weeks of pregnancy and preciousness I had with this baby...

I'm an empathetic person. And I can relate to so many people about so many different things.

Illness, death, divorce, depression.

But I've never been able to truly relate to friends of mine who loose babies. I remember earlier this year, after hearing of yet another friend loosing a baby, saying out loud, "Sometimes I wish I knew what a miscarriage was like, so I could know how to love someone through it."

I've seen different people react differently to them. My sister lights up every time I mention her baby Gideon. She loves talking about him in heaven and remembering him. I have other friends who prefer to move on and not talk about babies in heaven.

I'm still reeling from the roller coaster of this morning. My eyes are puffy from crying and I just want to go to sleep up and wake up when everything is over.

I will say that my reaction to the news of an impending miscarriage is not what I thought it would be. Of course I'm sad! But I'm also so thankful! I'm so thankful that my arms aren't empty as I cry. I have a precious baby I love with all my heart here in my arms. One that I take delight in every day. I'm also so thankful that I can get pregnant! My Aunt called me today and told through crying that at least I had known what it was like to have a baby in my womb if even for a day! She was never able to have children. I'm thankful that I'm young and I see many sweet babies in Noah and my future.

I'm almost mad. Mad that I've wasted 3 months just waiting around. Maybe this, maybe that...maybe one...maybe two. Due sometime in October, due sometime in November. I'm selfish and I want things to go according to my time table. The whole process of getting pregnant is a waiting game, then you have the 40-42 weeks to wait. I wanted a baby. I wanted Barclay to have a play mate. I wanted to wear a bikini this summer with a beautiful round belly. I wanted to get back in shape after the baby was born. I wanted to move on and forward. Instead, God has once again gently reminded me that He is in control. What I think is best, isn't necessarily what is.

I do take such comfort in the fact that I know for a fact that it will all work together for good. I'm almost embarrassed at the silly, selfish things that are running through my mind. But I know God loves me, I know he desires to bless my life, and I believe He does and that He will continue to do so. Whether it is with this miracle baby, or one in the next several years.

Thank you every one for all your sweet calls, messages, texts...I cannot tell you how much they bless my heart!

Roller Coaster

I have been on a roller coaster all day. We went in for the ultrasound and they basically told us our baby stopped growing five weeks ago and we would miscarry soon. I had to get blood work done just to confirm the pregnancy was over, but the midwife just called me and told me I had great hormone levels and she had no idea how to explain it.

Our ultrasound measured exactly as it did two weeks ago and there was no baby or baby to be seen. But according to my levels, there is a little bit of hope. I have to go in Thursday to see if my hormones have doubled. In a way, I just want it to be over so I can move on. But of course I want to hang on to that little glimmer of hope.

Fear

Tomorrow I go for our follow up ultrasound at the hospital.

I'm really nervous and excited and so thankful that the long two week wait is over.

I'm worried because I have continued to spot a little bit here and there. I'm worried because over the two week period, I have become aware of pretty much anything that could go wrong.

I'm also so excited to see if there are two babies in there! And also a little embarrassed that I told everyone about the possibility and if it's not so...

I'll update when I know more.

Never Enough

Today was both wonderful and terrible. Wonderful because every year I understand more and more the big picture of Christ's death on the cross and what it does for me...his daughter. Church was wonderful today and so was being in the warm, blossoming outdoors with family.

But I'm really burdened by the fact that I can never do enough to keep up. My poor husband is really frustrated with me and he does his best to hide it...but he's not too good at it. It all boils down to the fact that I don't try hard enough and that I don't keep up our house/car.

I know I should give myself some slack since I do have a hyper 14 month old and am cooking a couple of babies in the oven. But I'm disappointed in myself too. I'm just so disappointed in the way I turned out. Growing up I had this picture in my head of what I wanted to be like as an adult. And scrambling around trying to survive and not doing a terribly good job of anything, and looking unattractive was not my idea of what I wanted to be.

I know I post a lot about my struggles with my "all or nothingness" and I really feel like I've improved every day, but it's still not enough.

And I don't know that I can blame it on children or sickness or pregnancy. I feel that deep down, I just can't keep it together.

I have my mental list of things I miss about my husband when dating him compared to now. But it just hurts to know that me and my "not-able-to keep-it-together-for-more-than-a-day" is just wearing at Noah. When instead I want to be a peaceful and warm and wonderful part of his life.

It's just discouraging to feel like I'm trying so hard...and yet falling so short.

Yesterday I posted about motivatedmoms.com. Today was my first day and although I didn't get everything checked off my list (which reallllllly bugs me), I did accomplish a lot of things that just weigh on me throughout the week.

One of the things for today was "pamper yourself"...of course I made sure that one was top priority;-)

I did something I've been thinking about doing for months now. I removed the awful, old, cracked red toenail polish I painted forever ago.

I'm pretty much done with nail polish now, because I cannot keep up with it. Plus it draws attention to my unsightly, deformed toes. Buuuut, I have not gone toe naked for about two years and they weren't too pretty. So I looked up how to whiten them on google and found this:

mix 3 tsp baking soda with 1 tsp hydrogen peroxide, coat your nails with the mixture. Leave on for five minutes and then wash off.

It worked! Yay!

One other homemade spa thing I did today was paint an egg white on my face. It felt so good going on and then it tightened. I don't exactly know the benefit of what it does but my skin feels smooth and tight.

Cleaning Tips

I've really been convicted about how I keep my house. It's so all or nothing...pretty much like everything else I do.

I am VERY good at cleaning, but only if it's really dirty.

I can clean one tiny spot for HOURS until it's perfect, but I cannot seem to keep things decently neat on a daily basis.

I start my days off with a million things I want to accomplish (and think I can accomplish), only to end the day unmotivated with only a few things checked off my list.

I am a list maker and take pride in checking things off. Only thing is it takes me about an hour to make a list...then I'm overwhelmed because there isn't enough time to do everything.

In the past I have made lists of a few tasks to do each day of the week to make keep up with things easier. It worked for a while, but then things got in the way and I would loose motivation.

Motivation. It's totally my issue.

I think, I might have found an answer to make my life a little more manageable and give me joy for getting stuff done.

www.motivatedmoms.com

I bought the chore chart for $7 because I found the coupon code giveaways that gives you $1 off.

I just printed it out and looked through it and it seems like it was designed for me. Down to the fact that the Daily chore list has 7 boxes so you can check it off every day. You can even get the chore charts with daily bible reading.

The thing I'm excited about is that it thinks of pretty much EVERYTHING. I mean even cleaning your computer screen and clipping your child's nails! Things I think about doing but never get around to. I'm SO excited about having a feeling of being on top of things enough that I could do little things like that...and check it off.

I just wanted to share because this was perfect for my need and I know a lot of people who read my blog would probably be interested in it too.

And one last little tip I have is something I learned from Leslie.

It is how to make an easy, simple, green, cheap all purpose cleaner. 1 part vinegar, 1 part water. Since you can buy those huge bottles of vinegar at walmart, for about $2 you can have years worth of cleaner.

I have been trying out different cleaners over the past year and this works a hundred times better than all the other. I personally love the smell of vinegar, but if you don't, the smell goes away after a few minutes.

Wants

A sprinkler so B and I can run back and forth in it.

A babypool I can set up and we can play play play in.

This amazing Gap Maternity Dress. I saw it 3 months ago and was drooooling.

Banannagrams...one of the funnest games ever!

I got addicted at my cousin's house last month.

Marriage in the first Trimester

I'm having such a hard time lately feeling close to my husband. I don't know what it is about the first trimester that makes everything odd. Hormones, I guess, play a part. But I don't think that's all of it.

Maybe it's the fact that another little life has taken over my body and heart...and Noah feels left out.

I truly try my absolute best to put Noah and his needs first, but when every day is survival because of how tired I am, it doesn't always work that way.

I feel like we quietly pass each other throughout the day. Minimal contact. I feel like we are happiest doing our own thing...lost in our own thoughts.

I crave being nearer to him, but it's just not happening.

I'm tired and sick and worried and bloated looking and none of that makes for a very attractive or fun wife. And I feel so guilty about it. Lately Noah has made comments about how beautiful I looked in college...but it's not like I can start up a hard core fitness and diet routine when I'm growing a child...and very possibly two children. I just feel guilty that I can't be all he needs me to be.

Little comments are getting to me, comments that I would normally not take such offense to. But I'm so self conscious for some reason about every little thing. And dear as he is, Noah is not so smooth at making me feel better about myself.

"Does this dress make me look pregnant or fat?"

"Ummmm (the longest pause in history) well it looks OK...not great."

Thanks for your honesty honey but sometimes can you just lie a little?

In my pregnancy with Barclay, I felt so close to Noah my second and third trimester. Those 6 months were filled to the brim of wonderful, beautiful, special memories of just us.

I'm just venting because I feel so far away from where I want to be...but I'm just too tired to do much about it.

it's official...

I can no longer wear regular clothes. I wore a regular tshirt today and my belly was sticking out the bottom.

I cannot believe how much I am showing already!

We find out Tuesday morning if the reason is because we have two little ones in there!