Saturday, April 3, 2010

Marriage in the first Trimester

I'm having such a hard time lately feeling close to my husband. I don't know what it is about the first trimester that makes everything odd. Hormones, I guess, play a part. But I don't think that's all of it.

Maybe it's the fact that another little life has taken over my body and heart...and Noah feels left out.

I truly try my absolute best to put Noah and his needs first, but when every day is survival because of how tired I am, it doesn't always work that way.
I feel like we quietly pass each other throughout the day. Minimal contact. I feel like we are happiest doing our own thing...lost in our own thoughts.

I crave being nearer to him, but it's just not happening.

I'm tired and sick and worried and bloated looking and none of that makes for a very attractive or fun wife. And I feel so guilty about it. Lately Noah has made comments about how beautiful I looked in college...but it's not like I can start up a hard core fitness and diet routine when I'm growing a child...and very possibly two children. I just feel guilty that I can't be all he needs me to be.

Little comments are getting to me, comments that I would normally not take such offense to. But I'm so self conscious for some reason about every little thing. And dear as he is, Noah is not so smooth at making me feel better about myself.

"Does this dress make me look pregnant or fat?"

"Ummmm (the longest pause in history) well it looks OK...not great."

Thanks for your honesty honey but sometimes can you just lie a little?

In my pregnancy with Barclay, I felt so close to Noah my second and third trimester. Those 6 months were filled to the brim of wonderful, beautiful, special memories of just us.

I'm just venting because I feel so far away from where I want to be...but I'm just too tired to do much about it.


  1. I know how you feel because I felt that way during pregnancy too! I think it is just the natural feeling of our body taken over by hormones!

  2. next time we lay out, we can do yoga!! then we'll be getting tan and fit!


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