Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I'm an empathetic person. And I can relate to so many people about so many different things.
Illness, death, divorce, depression.

But I've never been able to truly relate to friends of mine who loose babies. I remember earlier this year, after hearing of yet another friend loosing a baby, saying out loud, "Sometimes I wish I knew what a miscarriage was like, so I could know how to love someone through it."

I've seen different people react differently to them. My sister lights up every time I mention her baby Gideon. She loves talking about him in heaven and remembering him. I have other friends who prefer to move on and not talk about babies in heaven.

I'm still reeling from the roller coaster of this morning. My eyes are puffy from crying and I just want to go to sleep up and wake up when everything is over.

I will say that my reaction to the news of an impending miscarriage is not what I thought it would be. Of course I'm sad! But I'm also so thankful! I'm so thankful that my arms aren't empty as I cry. I have a precious baby I love with all my heart here in my arms. One that I take delight in every day. I'm also so thankful that I can get pregnant! My Aunt called me today and told through crying that at least I had known what it was like to have a baby in my womb if even for a day! She was never able to have children. I'm thankful that I'm young and I see many sweet babies in Noah and my future.

I'm almost mad. Mad that I've wasted 3 months just waiting around. Maybe this, maybe that...maybe one...maybe two. Due sometime in October, due sometime in November. I'm selfish and I want things to go according to my time table. The whole process of getting pregnant is a waiting game, then you have the 40-42 weeks to wait. I wanted a baby. I wanted Barclay to have a play mate. I wanted to wear a bikini this summer with a beautiful round belly. I wanted to get back in shape after the baby was born. I wanted to move on and forward. Instead, God has once again gently reminded me that He is in control. What I think is best, isn't necessarily what is.

I do take such comfort in the fact that I know for a fact that it will all work together for good. I'm almost embarrassed at the silly, selfish things that are running through my mind. But I know God loves me, I know he desires to bless my life, and I believe He does and that He will continue to do so. Whether it is with this miracle baby, or one in the next several years.

Thank you every one for all your sweet calls, messages, texts...I cannot tell you how much they bless my heart!


  1. I am just now reading, I am so sorry for what happened! I will pray for you and your family!

  2. I am so sorry about all that is going on. It is a very tough thing to go through and the range of your emotions is so normal. You have a great perspective though and a great God who will continue to carry you through!

  3. Thinking about you Helen Joy. I can only imagine all the emotions you are feeling at the moment. Try and stay strong, but remember, it's okay to cry!

  4. Helen, I'm so sorry to hear of this. My prayers are with you. Your maturity in this post is amazing!


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