Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Today has been a rough day. Just draining. I woke up to a lot of bleeding and spent 2 hours crying in bed convinced this was the miscarriage.
But through out the just sort of dwindled on...
According to the many people I've known who've had miscarriages, it involves a lot more blood than I experienced today.
I know it's over. I know deep down in my heart. I have not allowed myself any hope for tomorrows blood test.
Yesterday I walked in a store and rubbed my belly because I knew that I wouldn't be pregnant with this baby much longer.
This morning, Noah took pictures of me in the new maternity dress my mother in law bought for me last week, because I always wanted to remember the joy I felt this entire pregnancy.
I wrote and dated a last entry in my baby journal I had been keeping.
I cried in bed all morning. Deep cries that are from the depths of my soul. And then I decided to get out of bed and go on with my life. I fed Barclay spaghetti, I cleaned spaghetti off of him. I changed diapers, cleaned out my microwave, did a bridal portrait.
I know it isn't medically over yet, and that scares me.
But I know that this fall I will not be welcoming a baby into my arms. I know it. And believe me, if there were any hope I would grab on to it.
And there is nothing I can do, except be thankful for the 11 weeks of pregnancy and preciousness I had with this baby...


  1. Helen Joy, I feel your pain and know exactly what you're experiencing, so if you ever need someone to talk to, please, please call me! I am just so sorry for you! My heart cries out with you!
    Love and hugs and prayers for you. Love you.

  2. let me know if there's anything i can do to help (dinner, a load of laundry, someone to talk with, whatever.)

    i love you.

  3. I am not close enough to offer any practical help and just sit here crying with you:(


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