Saturday, April 10, 2010

Peace that passes all understanding.

The past couple of weeks have been absolute whirlwinds of fear and confusion and extreme devastation.
Thursday night I lay in bed and tears just fell out of my eyes even though I didn't even feel like I was crying. I could barely move. My head was filled will confusion and anger (not at God but at my midwifery who basically didn't handle my situation in responsible manner). I seriously lay there and wondered if I was going to die because I couldn't feel an ounce of life in me. I felt dead.

The next morning I was preparing myself for yet another day of confusion and hurt. I woke up before Noah and just lay my hand on my stomach enjoying a few moments with my pregnancy (even though I knew there was no life inside of me anymore). I prayed that some how God would make this day peaceful.
As I got ready for the day, I put on my favorite flower headband. It just cheered me up.

My sweet friend Sarah came over to watch Barclay and Noah and I headed to this new doctor I had been referred to. A doctor Cuellar. A man. Someone I had never met and felt scared to talk to. We were running late and I was just panicked that things would be pushed till Monday. I walked into the office and it was so peaceful. The receptionist gently greeted me and made me feel comfortable. I then met Dr Cuellar. A kind, grandfatherly, older man with such compassion pouring out of him. He talked with Noah and I for an hour and half. Answered our questions, let us know what was going on medically (something my midwives were flaky about), he examined me and told me he thought that if I had waited it out, it would have been another week or so. He really affirmed my request for a D and C. He rubbed my back as I cried and gave me tissues to dry my tears. He made me feel like I was his only patient (not one that he fit in at the last minute). I told my mom later on, that I wanted him to deliver all my future babies.
He rescheduled patients in order that he could perform the procedure as soon as possible.
He scheduled it at a surgery center instead of the hospital (which is big, confusing, and I had been there three times that week already).
We went and I had 10 minutes to wait in the waiting room. I sat in a rocking chair. I couldn't help but shed some tears as I rocked. I would never, on earth, rock those babies in my arms. But I enjoyed those few moments of rocking.
They took me back and every nurse was so compassionate and tender to me, almost like my mother would have been. The anesthesiologist came in talk with me, and ended up holding my hand and crying with me.
They gave me some relaxant in my IV which made everything peaceful as they rolled me into the operating room. They piled warm blankets on me and then....peace.
I woke up in a recliner with Dr Cuellar talking to me. He said everything went well, that they had found a lot more tissue then they had anticipated (I don't really know what that means) and he was so glad we went ahead with the D and C to avoid infection.
I then spent 40 minutes eating peanut butter cookies and my heart was finally able to start healing. I didn't have to worry or wonder. Everything was done and I could start grieving and start living again.
As hard and awful as the situation was, God gave me a peace that truly passed all understanding that day.


  1. Helen Joy,
    I have found the same to be true in each one of my losses. I always feel like the Lord guides my path to the right doctors, nurses, etc. I also have found that peace that surpasses understanding. HOw people get through hardtimes without the Lord is beyond me. I am praying for you! julie

  2. Helen Joy,
    I can't tell you sorry I am for your loss. At the same time, I have been praying that you would find peace at this time, and I am so happy that the Lord blessed you with such a sweet, kind, and empathetic doctor. I'm sure he will be a blessing to you with your future babies. Just know how much your friends love you, and especially how much God loves you.
    Love, Catherine

  3. I'm so sorry for your losses. I wish I couldn't relate, but I can. And I think of my angel babies almost every day, even now. Wanted to share a sweet poem that helped me. Made me cry just now as hard as it did when I first read it 2 years ago:

    "These are my footprints,
    so perfect and so small.
    These tiny footprints
    never touched the ground at all.
    Not one tiny footprint,
    for now I have wings.
    These tiny footprints were meant
    for other things.
    You will hear my tiny footprints,
    in the patter of the rain.
    Gentle drops like angel's tears,
    of joy and not from pain.
    You will see my tiny footprints,
    in each butterflies' lazy dance.
    I'll let you know I'm with you,
    if you just give me the chance.
    You will see my tiny footprints,
    in the rustle of the leaves.
    I will whisper names into the wind,
    and call each one that grieves.
    Most of all, these tiny footprints,
    are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
    'Cause even though I'm gone now,
    We'll never truly part."

  4. I'm so, so glad you found a doctor who was so compassionate and sincere and spent the time you needed with you. And I'm so glad you found a time of peace. I hope those times become more and more the norm. And that poem made me cry. You are so strong and so brave for sharing all this.

  5. Helen Joy,
    I am thankful that God has been gracious to you throughout this process. I am glad you were able to have a kind doctor and that you were able to get a D and C. When I had my miscarriage, it was so relieving for me to be able to have it all over with right away instead of some people who bleed for 8 weeks or more. And the doctor told me that I just had to wait through one normal "cycle" and then I could try to get pregnant again. The pregnancy after that was a big part of the healing process, and even though I was scared through the first half, I was able to take comfort in my new baby and know that my other baby was safe in heaven and that I would see him/her someday! May you continue to be filled with a peace that can only come from HIM, the Prince of Peace.


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