Every day, at the end of the day, when we put Barclay to bed, Noah and I just stare at each other, eyes brimming with tears and we just cry out how tired we are from trying and nothing paying off.
We both work hard. Noah works a hard 14 hours a day, 6 1/2 days a week. I work from home with my photography business (which has slowed down big time). We have been cutting back on almost everything.
(I haven't been to a thrift store in 2 months!)
I was so discouraged today after organizing coupons and making lists, to realize that I didn't even have the money to buy the good deals. All that work, all that trying...it just doesn't seem to be paying off.
The hardest part of all this is watching my husband sink deeper and deeper into despair. He is usually the most warm and jovial person, but every day he becomes more and more discouraged. He constantly tells me he feels like he's drowning.
I feel so helpless as a wife. And as much as I want to be a respite for him. A calm wife with a calm home...it's just the opposite. I'm so strung out from caring for Barclay all day and I feel like I am a leech. I crave intimacy and conversation so much. If he'd let me I would lie my body completely on top of his and just stay that way.
It's been tough because as I'm dealing with the emotions and hormone changes from loosing our babies, he's been dealing with trying to keep us afloat. We're both almost too tired to be someone strong for the other to lean on.
At least sex is free.