Wednesday, April 28, 2010


I sort of feel like I am at rock bottom. I started the fall at the beginning of the year. It started with the worst trip ever, spiraling into closing after closing getting pushed back (my husband is a realtor), sickness from pregnancy, a miscarriage, and more and more closings getting postponed (and therefore the payment of our bills postponed).
Every day, at the end of the day, when we put Barclay to bed, Noah and I just stare at each other, eyes brimming with tears and we just cry out how tired we are from trying and nothing paying off.
We both work hard. Noah works a hard 14 hours a day, 6 1/2 days a week. I work from home with my photography business (which has slowed down big time). We have been cutting back on almost everything.
(I haven't been to a thrift store in 2 months!)

I was so discouraged today after organizing coupons and making lists, to realize that I didn't even have the money to buy the good deals. All that work, all that just doesn't seem to be paying off.

The hardest part of all this is watching my husband sink deeper and deeper into despair. He is usually the most warm and jovial person, but every day he becomes more and more discouraged. He constantly tells me he feels like he's drowning.
I feel so helpless as a wife. And as much as I want to be a respite for him. A calm wife with a calm's just the opposite. I'm so strung out from caring for Barclay all day and I feel like I am a leech. I crave intimacy and conversation so much. If he'd let me I would lie my body completely on top of his and just stay that way.
It's been tough because as I'm dealing with the emotions and hormone changes from loosing our babies, he's been dealing with trying to keep us afloat. We're both almost too tired to be someone strong for the other to lean on.

At least sex is free.


  1. I came by earlier to see if you had posted and see how you were, but you had not at the time. I hope and pray that things get better for you. Allow yourself that time to go through the process of grieving and emotions. It is hard on everyone involved. Hugs. I am praying for God's peace and love to surround you.

  2. This is just a thought, but maybe you need to consider some meds. The brain gets out of wack and just as with any disease(like diabetes, or high blood pressure) sometimes we need to seek out professional help from a Doctor.
    Although I don't know you, I do understand from reading this blog that you have had some problematic areas before the birth of your sweet baby boy.
    Seeking help is a good thing. You have not failed, you are floundering, and you will be okay, but in my opinion you need a bit of support to be all that you want to be.
    If that support happens to come from a presciption from a Dr, that's okay. It's not a weakness, in our society we seem to believe that it's fine to address our physical diseases, but we shun our emotional issues. This is wrong, our precious brains matter too, very much.
    Talk to a professional, in the big picture it will help you with all the relationships in your life each day.
    Praying for you

  3. Hi Helen
    Your blog struck a cord with me because I can relate to some of the feelings you're having.
    I have a beautiful 3 month old boy who is the love of my and my husband's life. Still, the transition into this new stage of life was exhausting, overwhelming, and by far the hardest journey I've ever taken.
    Please consider the previous comment seriously. I finally broke down and told my doctor that I felt like I was losing my mind and falling into a headspace that was grim, anxiety-ridden, and utterly hopeless.
    She prescription she gave me literally began to work within hours.
    When the gray cloud started to lift, things started to slowly come back into perspective and while everyday isn't great (especially when I'm sleep deprived), I'm definitely more like my old self and enjoying the this special season.

    Take care of each other and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers too...


I love comments so leave one:-)