Laying in bed last night, I was trying to think of the last time I felt like I had done everything on my list...I think it was college!
That got me to thinking and reminiscing...
The good life. I had half of a tiny dorm room to keep clean and I didn't even keep that clean (Brandy you can attest to that). I only had to wash MY clothes...and I could get by on every 2-3 weeks! I didn't have to cook or worry about groceries. I had almost zero financial need. I could choose to study, socialize, be creative, go for a run...I could do whatever I wanted. I had SO little responsibilities.
That time seems like forever ago... I keep seeing this image of myself: blond, tanned, cute, just running down the road...free as a bird.
And yet I felt so stressed out all the time. So worried about this and that.
After one day, I became one with another person. I started sharing his burdens with mine. We bought a house, we had a mortgage, jobs were lost, food needed to be made, a whole, tiny house had to be cleaned. I had to think about buying Noah shampoo when he was out, or toilet paper...just things you never think about.
That time seems forever ago...I keep seeing a glimpse of myself then, tanned, blond, cute, laughing, barefoot in the kitchen, cooking something (probably awful) for my husband. We were so free! We could do whatever we wanted. We could leave at the drop of a hat and go on a road trip. We could stay up late watching movies and sleep in late all snuggled in the bed.
And yet I felt so stressed out all the time!
Having a Newborn:
After one day, I was now a mommy. I now had to juggle thinking about three people (and me a lot less than everyone else). I had to be on demand around the clock for my lovely milk. I was all of a sudden put in charge of keeping a human alive. I had a bigger house to clean, we had a bigger mortgage to pay.
I think of myself in two ways here:
#1.Naked, crying, covered in milk and spit up, holding a screaming baby and wishing for sleep.
I felt so overwhelmed! How could I make it another day?
#2.Snuggled up in bed with the sweetest little baby...enjoying every milky breath and savoring the delight of being a mom.
then I had a crawler...and I couldn't remember why in the world an immobile baby caused me such angst! I mean, what did I do all day with a newborn? Oh yeah! I nursed.
then I had a walker...and I couldn't remember why having a crawler who was so easily entertained with a spoon and so easily soothed was so overwhelming.
Now I am constantly trying to protect, sooth, interact with this little one.
And then I think back to college...
It's so funny how far I've come. Every season of life has seemed overwhelming. Only to look back and wonder why.