But I'm really burdened by the fact that I can never do enough to keep up. My poor husband is really frustrated with me and he does his best to hide it...but he's not too good at it. It all boils down to the fact that I don't try hard enough and that I don't keep up our house/car.
I know I should give myself some slack since I do have a hyper 14 month old and am cooking a couple of babies in the oven. But I'm disappointed in myself too. I'm just so disappointed in the way I turned out. Growing up I had this picture in my head of what I wanted to be like as an adult. And scrambling around trying to survive and not doing a terribly good job of anything, and looking unattractive was not my idea of what I wanted to be.
I know I post a lot about my struggles with my "all or nothingness" and I really feel like I've improved every day, but it's still not enough.
And I don't know that I can blame it on children or sickness or pregnancy. I feel that deep down, I just can't keep it together.
I have my mental list of things I miss about my husband when dating him compared to now. But it just hurts to know that me and my "not-able-to keep-it-together-for-more-than-a-day" is just wearing at Noah. When instead I want to be a peaceful and warm and wonderful part of his life.
It's just discouraging to feel like I'm trying so hard...and yet falling so short.