Sunday, April 4, 2010

Never Enough

Today was both wonderful and terrible. Wonderful because every year I understand more and more the big picture of Christ's death on the cross and what it does for me...his daughter. Church was wonderful today and so was being in the warm, blossoming outdoors with family.

But I'm really burdened by the fact that I can never do enough to keep up. My poor husband is really frustrated with me and he does his best to hide it...but he's not too good at it. It all boils down to the fact that I don't try hard enough and that I don't keep up our house/car.

I know I should give myself some slack since I do have a hyper 14 month old and am cooking a couple of babies in the oven. But I'm disappointed in myself too. I'm just so disappointed in the way I turned out. Growing up I had this picture in my head of what I wanted to be like as an adult. And scrambling around trying to survive and not doing a terribly good job of anything, and looking unattractive was not my idea of what I wanted to be.
I know I post a lot about my struggles with my "all or nothingness" and I really feel like I've improved every day, but it's still not enough.

And I don't know that I can blame it on children or sickness or pregnancy. I feel that deep down, I just can't keep it together.

I have my mental list of things I miss about my husband when dating him compared to now. But it just hurts to know that me and my "not-able-to keep-it-together-for-more-than-a-day" is just wearing at Noah. When instead I want to be a peaceful and warm and wonderful part of his life.

It's just discouraging to feel like I'm trying so hard...and yet falling so short.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Helen,

    I can totally relate to that. We had a hard adjustment our first few months of marriage because I was trying to do everything perfectly and failing miserably. I have two suggestions from friends that helped.

    One friend suggested asking my husband what 3 things he would like me to do everyday. My husband picked having a warm meal for dinner, having the laundry done, and me being "ready" with my hair and makeup done. On even my worst days, as long as I have those 3 things done, he is happy. It was hard to let go of my things that I wanted to do, but I just focused on being his helper and getting those 3 things done everyday.

    The other suggestion was to make a list of 10 "everyday" tasks and have your husband rank them in order from most important to least important for him. You can start from the things that are most important to least. If you get at least a few of them done, he will know how hard you are working to be his helpmate and that you are valuing and respecting his desires. . .

    Those thoughts helped me. I still have bad days where I don't even get those 3 things done, but most days I can and Mike feels blessed by it. . .

    I will continue to pray for you.


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