There is a moment that is etched in my mind so perfectly. It is a moment that I will probably think about every day for the rest of my life. I wanted to write it out for you:
Barclay was born at 6:04 am after a 50 hour labor and two hours of pushing. I remember that time 6:04 like it was standing still. That minute changed my life.
The moment I am speaking of came 24 hours later. I was in the Mother and Baby suite in the hospital, Noah was snoring so loud that I asked the nurse to tranquilize him. I was so tired and so overwhelmed with hormones and emotions and EXHAUSTION. I hadn't slept for three days but yet all I wanted to do was stare at my new baby.
EVERYONE was telling me to sleep, you'll regret it when you get home! But I don't regret not sleeping. Not one bit. Because I feel like I "took a picture" of that time. I memorized everything about those new feelings.
Barclay was crying and I was tired, but I was his mother and he needed me. I was crying and Noah was sleeping and I had no idea what to do with this tiny baby. He was the tiniest baby I've ever seen at 7 lbs 7oz. I felt like I was going to break him. I had the sweetest nurse ever who came in when I was crying. I told her I didn't know what to do. She was so sweet and gently unwrapped Barclay and laid him bare on my skin. She said sleep like this.
But what if I roll over on him?
You wont, she said. He needs you to hold him.
So there I was curled up around my tiny infant boy. His little tiny breathes kissed at my cheek as I watched him. I slept a little here and there but was always awakening to just gaze at his little face and rub my hand over his warm little body. I could not believe that this was my precious baby. I couldn't believe this was the little foot that I had felt through my belly as it kicked me, I couldn't believe that was the little profile I had looked at on our ultra sound picture hundreds of times over.
I remember exactly 6:04 am that morning. The sun was just coming up and was making its way through the blinds. The most beautiful glow fell upon us, mother and child. I gave Barclay a fist pound for being alive for his first 24 hours. And then I just watched. I watched his chest rise and fall, I kissed his soft cheeks, I enjoyed the feeling of our skin to skin contact as I warmed him. Noah was still snoring and no one was around. I suddenly felt like I was going to BURST with love. I had to tell someone how much I loved him. So I dialed my mama who had been awake as well for three days. She answered sleepily and I apologized.
"I'm sorry Mama, but I just had to tell SOMEONE how much I love him!"
She didn't mind at all and reminded me of the hundreds of times she's told me the story of my own birth. Almost the same situation. My dad was snoring and sleeping and Mom kept waking him up to say,
"Can you believe that she's ours?!"
Nearly every day of Barclay's short life, I have felt these same feelings grow. I watched him for 30 minutes today as he lay in my arms sighing those sweet baby sighs. He's twice as big but I still feel awe and wonder at the fact that he's my baby.