I've been really trying to avoid my blog lately for fear of what might come out of my heart and onto the internet. But I think I'll feel better if I just write some stuff out and maybe just get over it.
-Sleeping...
I seriously need some good uninterrupted sleep. I've started sleeping in our guest room away from my husband because he snores so loudly! And since I've become a mom, I simply am not able to achieve that deep sleep. So every noise wakes me up. I had to move into the other room until we can get Noah some help (I'm 98% sure he has sleep apnea).
Also, I've been VERY bad and going completely against my beliefs and had Barclay in the bed with me basically from 2-6:30. I know I could roll over and squish him, I know it makes him not able to sleep well in his own bed, I know I can't sleep well, but I am simply too tired to be getting out of bed, and tending to him every two hours. I cannot do it, but I have to do it, so I'm cheating and sleeping with him.
I know this is a bad road to be on, and I want to get off, but I am simply too tired to do it.
-Eating...
I love to cook, but cooking means more cleaning and more grocery shopping and more planning.
Somedays I don't really eat because I'm too tired to go to town and get supplies.
I also am so frustrated with my lack of self control when it comes to anything. My house is littered with green Andes Chocolate wrappers.
-Working...
I am a stay at home mom now. But also I have one full time job and another part time job from home. I am having the hardest time balacning all of them.
This weekend I did four photo shoots and I'm exhausted. Taking pictures is my joy, I usually forget that it is work. Editing them, sending them, replying to emails and questions...these things overwelm me and I'm not doing a good job of getting them done.
-Love life...
I fell completely too tired and busy to even carry on a decent conversation with my husband. We still have not had a date without Barclay since he was born. It's my fault. I hate pumping milk.
-Money...
Oh lovely money...NOT. I have been horrible about buying little things here and there when I know our money needs to go elsewhere. I feel like our money is spent before we make it. It's totally my fault too.
Today my baby turns three months old! I want to do so many things (mainly a photo shoot), but I'm too tired. I no longer have a newborn, and I have to start getting it together.
I know it's the sleep talking...
I know it's the day after a looong weekend of working talking....
but I just have to say what I feel in my heart, and right now that says:
There is no way I can do this!
Monday, May 4, 2009
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Helen Joy,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog because I love blogs, especially those of other moms. Our son is a week older than Barclay, and I'm posting to tell you that your are not alone in feeling like this. Its not your fault! I'm back at work (in an office away from home) now, and its WAY easier than what you have to do every day. Two months was enough for me...I'm sure Noah is SO proud of you for being such a great mom and managing to get anything else done. If you ever need to talk to someone, you know how to find me on facebook. My heart truly goes out to you.
Sarah McDaniel
It probably doesn't mean much because our baby hasn't even come yet, but I cried reading this post. I really have no idea how you feel, but, you were right, writing this out allowed others to enter into it too.... and somehow (however insignificant) bear it a little with you.
ReplyDeleteAll I can do is pray that you'll have unexplained strength. Thank you for being transparent. And thank you for being such an amazing mother... no matter what it feels like at this point... we all know the truth :)
Sara T.
HJ -- if it helps (i'm sure it will)...
ReplyDeleteBoth of my babies slept in my bed until they were much older than Barclay is now. Alina (my oldest) slept in my bed until she was 1, and the only reason she moved was because I had to stop breastfeeding her because I was pregnant with my second baby. Raziel we did better with, but he slept in our bed until he was about 4 months. All the books say its a horrible thing to do, blah blah blah. Look, if it helps you sleep, do it. He will be okay - you won't roll on him or suffocate him. If you will feel better about it, my friend even just puts a changing table pillow on her bed (one of those hard ones that has raised edges) and she just has her baby sleep on that so they can feed him at night without getting up. And -- it's not that hard to move them back to their cribs when your ready. It might take 3 or 4 days of him crying for a bit, but put your head under a pillow. He'll be okay.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being tired, worn out, or not talking to Noah on occasion. Make sure he knows that you love him and that you're tired and you're sorry you don't have more energy to spend quality time with him. I used to write notes or send texts to Brent to remind him of that for both our sanity.
Go to the store, get a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of wheat bread and a jug of milk. Get some frozen meals or pre-cooked stuff so that you can eat healthier. Ask your mom or someone to make some meals and put them in Tupperware and put it in your freezer. You can microwave while holding Barclay.
You need to take time to go on a date. It doesn't have to be long -- just get a sitter to watch Barclay for about an hour and go to the grocery store or Walmart or something with Noah. Feed the baby before you go and when you get back. Buy a can of formula in case he's fussy. This is a great thing to have on hand just in case -- and nice for Noah to make food for Barclay once at night. It'll help them bond some and let you sleep. Formula is the best thing that happened to me and Brent :-) (get the milk based kind, not Soy. Soy will make him sick if he's used to breastmilk)
Love you