A Choice

Since love is not always a feeling, but a choice. I decided to list out the things I love about my husband.

This is a list I wrote for him when I was 15 years old:

I love Noah with all of my heart.
I love how his eyes light up and sparkle when he smiles.
I love the way his smile will brighten up my day,
No matter what rotten things have happened.
When you are around Noah, you can't help but be happy!
I love the way I can just sit down with him
And end up telling him EVERYTHING and that makes it better.
I love his old hat. It smells like him!
I love the way he loves God with all his heart.
He's like a teddy bear. Ready to love you, ready to hug you.
He's warm like a teddy bear and he is so easy to love like a teddy bear!
I love the way he wears Abricrombe and Fitch all the time
He's so strong and when you are around him, you feel protected.
He makes me feel safe.
I love the way he hugs
I love the way he loves life and enjoys every minute of it!
I love it when he wears orange!
I love the way he loves EVERYONE with God's love.
I love listening to music with him in his car.
I love the "special dates" he takes me on.
I love how he is so full of God's love that it pours into everyone-else's life.
Most of all I just love Noah for who he is and what he has allowed
Christ to do through him.

This is a list I wrote from him right before we got married:

-I love the way you kiss...we learned together
-How beautiful I feel when I am with you. Like the most gorgeous woman ever created.
-I love how you get down when you see a little child and instantly become their friend-You're gonna be the best Dad ever!
-I love how thick your waist is. That causes a real hug, a full hug. Don't ever loose your tummy!
-I love the way you dance. Awkward, but oddly so sexy and appealing...I love dancing with you.
-Your face when you are overcome with passion and grab me!
-I love our size difference. It makes everything more interesting.
-I love how you love the outdoors and are always wanting me to enjoy it with you.
-I love how loyal you are to me through my searching, friends, parents, everything imaginable.
-Your gorgeous smile! It makes my heart flutter!
-I love your "messed up finger", I can't wait to put a ring on it
-I love your weird "clean hand" fetish, even though I act annoyed...it's just YOU and I love it!
-I love the way your voice sounds when I wake you up in the middle of the night to talk. That's why I do it so much.
-I love that I want to cry with love for you.
-I love that we fell in love young...we get each other longer. Thanks for waiting:-)
-I love that you always indulge me in my love language...gifts. You are always so conscious of it!
-I love that you remind me without fail to wear my seat belt.
-I love your precious hands. I love them!
-I love the olive color of your skin. You're always sun-kissed to me!
-Our play fullness together.
-I love that Christ is a part of your life and not just a distant authority.
-I love all your stray grey hairs...pretty soon it'll all be grey and I 'll love you more than ever. I can't wait to grow old with you!
-I love how you love short girls (it works out perfectly)
-I love how "real life smart" you are
-I love the way you gently touch my hips or my back in a crowd...sorry I ask for it.
-I love that you always protect me
-I LOVE your arms!
-I love how you make us communicate, even when I don't want to.
-I love that you treasure me...I treasure you.
-I love your feet, your flat, big, hairy feet...I love them.
-I love how you have introduced me to culture and lots of other fun out-on-the-town-stuff.
-I love you crazy we get with passion for each other.
-I love that you want to travel the world with me.
-I love how the arch of my foot fits perfectly with your calf. So comforting!
-I love how your eyes sparkle. You have the brightest eyes of anyone..ever.
-I love your manly gentleness
-I love that you constantly seek godly counsel.
-(this I can't write on the Internet)
-I love that although I haven't quite caught on fully yet...that I never have to worry about money, you and God always provide.
-Your soft, full lips. Mmmmm...they are mine.
-I love holding your hand! Never tire of it!
-I love the way that your breath on my neck gives me chills up and down.
-(another one not for the Internet)
-I love the way you look when you look at me...it takes my breath away.
-The way you seek out and love those that are hardest to love. That must be why you chose me!
-I love the white spot on your beard...it makes you look wise.
-I love how determined you are and how amazing you are with technology.
-I love your scruffy beard. You're rugged with it.
-I love it when you shave. You're innocent with it.
-(another one I'll leave out)
-I love that we are going to share everything of our lives together. The good and the not so good.
-I love that you are MINE..and I'm so thankful to God for giving you to me!

Some of these made me giggle with how silly they were, but I would say that most of them still hold true.

Today, on a day I feel discouraged in marriage, on a day when it just seems like it's impossible to make it 50 years, on a day when I just want to leave...I'm going to make a list of why I love my husband, then I'm going to go and lay in his arms and cry.

Today my love:
-I admire that you are honest and always do what's best for your clients, and not what's best for your wallet.
-I love the way you cradle our son in your arms and I love watching you fall in love with him.
-I love that you do silly things for me when I'm overwhelmed...like call clients, or get me something to eat.
-I value the way that you reach out to people and have true empathy and compassion with them.
-I know it's probably not good for our wallets, but I love how you never turn down a traveling opportunity. I love that you are always looking for a place to experience new things.
-I love that you set your mind to making it in this awful real estate business and that you are doing so well! I'm completely proud of you.
-I love your determination to do things like installing two fans in our house this week. You didn't know how to do it, but yet you read the directions and did it right.
-I cherish the way you reach out and grab my hand at random times.
-I love seeing you in our son.
-I don't know why you can love me, because I am so difficult, but you choose to love me and I know you will never leave me.
-I love how giving you always are, even if we don't quite have enough to give. You give anyway, and God provides.
-I am in awe of how you relate to people. You completely change and become relatable to them. Whether it is a young country boy who helps in our yard, or an 85 year old European who just wants someone to recount his life to.
-I love how after 4 years, I know so much about your heart. You've been so open with me.
-Even though we've both gained weight and put off dressing completely nice. I still find you dashingly handsome and completely rugged.
-I cherish the journey of pregnancy and birth with you. You were always there and you were a part of everything.

My previous post was honestly how I feel. Sometimes I get so worried about how people might respond to my bold honesty, but I figure, they can read another blog if it really bothers them. Because I don't want to pretend or "white wash a dirty fence". I never want someone to look at my life and think I have it all together, or I have the perfect marriage.

It happens less and less often, but sometimes being married is so painful. My husband knows how to hurt my heart deeply. I know how to hurt his. And having a child just gives you something else with which to criticize.

I'm exhausted, and emotionally drained, but my marriage is so important to me that I wanted to take a couple minutes to remind myself of how bless I am and how much I truly love my husband.

Even if right now, he hurts me.