I had a wonderful couple days down in Charleston with all my sweet cousins and family. We played games, went in the ocean, talked, shared stories, and ate really good food.
Through all the wonderful times, I couldn't help but notice that I was not myself. This got me to thinking...what was myself?
It's lost in sleepless nights and the day after day of completely caring for a human being that isn't yourself.
Do not get me wrong. This is what I've always wanted to be...a mom. Every single day I cannot believe that God has blessed me so much!
But I'm changing and I'm not sure if I like it.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was immediately met with people, close friends, saying..."Oh now that you'll be a mom, I guess you can't do anything anymore." This hurt me and frustrated me to no end! So I set out to prove them wrong. To prove that I will still be the same.
Four months after Barclay's birth, I realize that no matter how hard I tried, I am changed completely.
Gone are the days of running out to the ocean with Noah and diving in for hours. Gone are the times when I could sit and talk with someone without
a.falling asleep from exhaustion
b.letting my mind wander to whatever might be going on with my baby.
c.relating everything to Barclay because he's on my mind (and needs to be on my mind) 24/7.
Tonight Noah and I went to a new church to try it out. It meets at night and it closer to our house. We were too exhausted to make it to our regular church this morning. I was sitting in the back, completely isolated while Barclay cried and cried. I could read the worship music lyrics and tears were pouring down my cheeks. I love worshipping the Lord through song. But I also felt such loneliness. Not just then, but in my life. I have so many wonderful friends who keep up with me and call me and visit me. I feel loved FOR SURE! But I do feel alone right now. And I feel it's my fault I feel alone. I'm so wrapped up in my daily survival and also daily enjoyment of Barclay that I can't see outside of it. I can't see myself and I definitely can't see anyone else.
I've written before that I am such an extreme person. This might have to do with my "balance problem". This loneliness. Because I'm giving 100% to Barclay and I feel used up for anything else. I love the feeling of giving 100% to my baby. I enjoy him beyond belief, but I hate that I am just out of it when it comes to other people.