Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Flood of Feelings

I hope this blog doesn't hurt anyone or offend anyone today, but I just have to write out my exact feelings on my previous post.
Noah is completely ok with not thinking or talking about it until we know for sure...I on the other hand feel like I'm spilling over with emotions.
First, because it is not confirmed that I am, in fact, pregnant with twins...I feel I can say this. I am hoping it is not twins. I know that seems terrible. Especially since so many people I know say they have always wanted twins. But I am SUCH a one on one person and it overwhelms me to think about having to split everything, not only between Barclay, but between two other babies. Not to mention having 3 children under the age of 21 months is a little daunting. I also am selfishly thinking about:
-Maybe not being able to have a vaginal delivery (and most definitely not the beautiful water birth I wanted to try again.)
-Maybe not being able to breastfeed exclusively. (I LOVED nursing Barclay and it ended too soon for me. I know I can do it, but it seems overwhelming).
and the biggest worry for me...not being able to bond with each of them.

But don't get me wrong. If there are, in fact, two in there...I want them both to strive and survive and grow to be healthy babies. I KNOW God will give me the strength and love for both of them. I know it will be ok.

I'm also worried because they didn't really show me any type of life in there. Noah said she pointed out blood flow and some activity...but I don't remember that part. Probably because I was so in shock. I didn't see a little heartbeat like I had expected. I didn't see a little bean or a little grain of rice.
I found out 4 weeks ago that I was pregnant. According to the ultrasound, I am 6 weeks pregnant. According to my last period, I was almost nine weeks pregnant. That means that I found at 2 weeks that I was pregnant! So that is why the ultra sound was so unexpectedly early.
In my heart, I just long to have at least one baby in there thriving. Two would be a blessing too.
I have to wait for my midwife to call me tomorrow to discuss what to do next. I'm definitely going in next week for another peak to see what else we can see.

If you think about it, please pray for me as I know this week of uncertainty is going to be very long.


  1. I'll be praying for ya, HJ! Here comes a hug just for you right now as you're feeling all these different emotions and feelings! I know how long this week will be for you so if you need someone to talk to, give me a call. :-)
    Love ya, girl!

  2. I so appreciate your honesty! We have friends that just had twins, and it has made me rethink whether I could handle it! But you are right, the Lord will give you strength either way. Thanks for being transparent and sharing your heart. . . I will make sure to pray for you this week.

  3. I know several people who have had twins, friends with them, have worked as a nanny for a couple of them and they expressed the same kind of worry.

    The only thing the mothers ALL told me was that supernaturally (or, God.) basically made room for them in their life and it was exactly the same as when they had their individual kids.

    I love that you're so honest in your blogs.

    Love you dear!

  4. Helen Joy, you're such a great mommy. You so obviously love your family more than anything else in the world, and you do the very best you can for them. No, not as well as you'd like sometimes, but you are aiming for Most Perfect Wife and Mommy in the World Ever. I'm sure you'll continue to do that whether you end up with one baby or two.

    On a completely unrelated note, I got this blog award that's a pass-it-on thing, and you are one of my recipients. (I feel very important saying this, as if I have achieved some sort of blogging authority.) You can read about your award (and the co-winners) at http://dustingmyselfoff.blogspot.com/2010/03/happy-surprise.html.


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