Noah is completely ok with not thinking or talking about it until we know for sure...I on the other hand feel like I'm spilling over with emotions.
First, because it is not confirmed that I am, in fact, pregnant with twins...I feel I can say this. I am hoping it is not twins. I know that seems terrible. Especially since so many people I know say they have always wanted twins. But I am SUCH a one on one person and it overwhelms me to think about having to split everything, not only between Barclay, but between two other babies. Not to mention having 3 children under the age of 21 months is a little daunting. I also am selfishly thinking about:
-Maybe not being able to have a vaginal delivery (and most definitely not the beautiful water birth I wanted to try again.)
-Maybe not being able to breastfeed exclusively. (I LOVED nursing Barclay and it ended too soon for me. I know I can do it, but it seems overwhelming).
and the biggest worry for me...not being able to bond with each of them.
But don't get me wrong. If there are, in fact, two in there...I want them both to strive and survive and grow to be healthy babies. I KNOW God will give me the strength and love for both of them. I know it will be ok.
I'm also worried because they didn't really show me any type of life in there. Noah said she pointed out blood flow and some activity...but I don't remember that part. Probably because I was so in shock. I didn't see a little heartbeat like I had expected. I didn't see a little bean or a little grain of rice.
I found out 4 weeks ago that I was pregnant. According to the ultrasound, I am 6 weeks pregnant. According to my last period, I was almost nine weeks pregnant. That means that I found at 2 weeks that I was pregnant! So that is why the ultra sound was so unexpectedly early.
In my heart, I just long to have at least one baby in there thriving. Two would be a blessing too.
I have to wait for my midwife to call me tomorrow to discuss what to do next. I'm definitely going in next week for another peak to see what else we can see.
If you think about it, please pray for me as I know this week of uncertainty is going to be very long.