In Limbo

I hate not going somewhere. Being stuck. I hate not having a goal or a count down. Pretty much every part of pregnancy is a waiting game. The days leading up to your impending period are the slowest days of all time. And during those days I feel paralyzed. Not sure if we are going to have a baby in our future or not. And even though life goes on either way. I find myself completely stuck...waiting.

I'm definitely unmotivated and stationary right now. I don't even know how many weeks along I am, which means I can't google it and find out what strange bean or fruit my baby is the size of. I also don't know whether to refer to my belly as baby or babies. I feel like our whole future changes based on next weeks ultrasound. Even though life has to go on either way.

*Advice Needed*

Ok, I am in need of advice on three subjects:

#1.How can you get a baby to stop pooping so much. In the past week, he has been having between 8-12 full dirty diapers a DAY.

For a very nauseated pregnant mama, that is 12 times a day where I gag.

I did feed him an ungodly amount of raisins for 4 of those days, but other than that everything has been normal.

I know to feed prune juice to a baby that can't go, but should I feed him something to make him go less?

#2. How in the world do you hold a toddler down to change his diaper. Every. Single. Freaking. Time. I change his diaper he arches and screams and flips the whole time. I swear you burn at least 100 calories every time you change his diaper because you are wrestling him the whole time.

I've gotten to the point, especially because he goes so often, that I am tempted to just let him go twice in a diaper to cut down on the stressful changing sessions. I mean, sometimes I just don't want to change him. I want to quit, but as a good Mama, that is not an option.

I have tried keeping treats next to his diaper changer to give him and distract him. I've tried giving him a toy when we are up there. I play games with him...at least I try. I tickle him. I spank him. I lightly pinch his leg. He turns into a monster up there and cannot wrestle him anymore!

#3. To me, the WORST part of parenthood so far ( well maybe tied with lack of sleep) is feeding. It was fun when he would eat 4 puffs and call it a day. But at least 3 times a day, I am on my hands and knees scraping food off the floor because Barclay throws it in a 15 foot radius. How do people with carpets do it?!?!

So yes, cleaning up after food is awful but that's not my problem.

I am out of idea of things to feed Barclay. So far the only things he likes are:

-canned soup drained.

-veggie hot dogs.

-any carb or bread or cracker

-all fruit

-yogurt

-raisins (but after the diaper situation this week he is banned from them)

-Honey Bunches of Oats with rice milk, drained.

I'm out of ideas. He pretty much refuses to eat meat (he's like his Mama). He is lactose intolerant BAD so cannot have cheese. He is allergic to eggs (just eggs, not stuff with eggs in them). I cook soups from scratch and he barely touches them. I just cannot remember any easy childhood meals that don't have cheese in them! Mac and Cheese. Grilled Cheese. Etc.

Especially being nauseated and tired I barely can feed myself...and this has become such a burdensome chore to find foods Barclay will eat.

Any suggestions to any of these problems would be greatly appreciated!

tidbits

-I have been SO tired and SO overwhelmed and SO not motivated this last week. Everything has suffered, especially our house.

-For some reason I am only able to muster up the energy to clean when I set my stove timer for 5 minutes and just don't stop that whole time.

-I HATE march madness. It's Friday night and Noah and I are both home...I want to watch a movie. But he has to watch basketball. Just like he has had to watch basketball every other night. Does it not get old and tiring to watch people run up and down and up and down a court?

-I cannot stand the sound a basketball game makes.

-I have really slacked on getting back in touch with possible clients. I've probably missed out on some business because of it.

-I wish I had a personal cook who would just cook exactly what I wanted when I wanted it. The thought of preparing food is just terrible to me. And if I think about it long enough to cook it, I don't want to eat it.

-Barclay has lovingly started finding lint and dust for me. It's so cute. He finds a piece and brings it to me with sparkling eyes (like it's a treasure). I ooo and ahh over it and he runs and finds more.

-After his nap today, I went in to get him and he was still somewhat asleep and was holding a minute piece of dust for me. He must have been saving it for me for a long time.

-He is the CUTEST. I just cannot even stand it. He's "talking" all the time with a little lisp. And he can show us Nose and Head.

-The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that when I go in for the ultrasound in 10 or so days...they will in fact find two in there. It all adds up.

-I'm so tired. But not the sleeping tired. The vegging tired. Too bad basketball is on:-(

Dear Noah...

Dear Noah,

I'm terribly sorry for being the worst housewife ever. Thank you for being so sweet and understanding and not saying anything about the rising mess around us. I'm just tired and sick and worried and tired and tired and tired.

I love you and I promise it'll get better in a few weeks!

Thank you for still loving me!

Helen Joy

Enjoying each day.

Today I finally got in touch with my midwife to see what in the world was going on from our ultrasound yesterday. She said they wanted to check again in TWO weeks at the hospital where they have a better machine.

So I'm just not going to think about it anymore....(yeah right;-)

Today I really tried to focus on Barclay and enjoying him (which is NOT hard to do...he's a delight). I just snuggled a lot and played a lot. Hopefully I wont focus on the days I have to wait and just enjoy every single day. That's my goal anyhow.

I took a few pictures of Barclay today when we were playing outside and I am just in love with them!

By the way, just to make sure...I took a pregnancy test today. I know! It's crazy! But I had one left over from the pack and I was sort of flipping out this afternoon. It was positive;-)

I'm warming to the idea of twins. I have plenty of adorable names that need to be used!

Hope you got some sun on your cheeks today;-)

Flood of Feelings

I hope this blog doesn't hurt anyone or offend anyone today, but I just have to write out my exact feelings on my previous post.

Noah is completely ok with not thinking or talking about it until we know for sure...I on the other hand feel like I'm spilling over with emotions.

First, because it is not confirmed that I am, in fact, pregnant with twins...I feel I can say this. I am hoping it is not twins. I know that seems terrible. Especially since so many people I know say they have always wanted twins. But I am SUCH a one on one person and it overwhelms me to think about having to split everything, not only between Barclay, but between two other babies. Not to mention having 3 children under the age of 21 months is a little daunting. I also am selfishly thinking about:

-Maybe not being able to have a vaginal delivery (and most definitely not the beautiful water birth I wanted to try again.)

-Maybe not being able to breastfeed exclusively. (I LOVED nursing Barclay and it ended too soon for me. I know I can do it, but it seems overwhelming).

and the biggest worry for me...not being able to bond with each of them.

But don't get me wrong. If there are, in fact, two in there...I want them both to strive and survive and grow to be healthy babies. I KNOW God will give me the strength and love for both of them. I know it will be ok.

I'm also worried because they didn't really show me any type of life in there. Noah said she pointed out blood flow and some activity...but I don't remember that part. Probably because I was so in shock. I didn't see a little heartbeat like I had expected. I didn't see a little bean or a little grain of rice.

I found out 4 weeks ago that I was pregnant. According to the ultrasound, I am 6 weeks pregnant. According to my last period, I was almost nine weeks pregnant. That means that I found at 2 weeks that I was pregnant! So that is why the ultra sound was so unexpectedly early.

In my heart, I just long to have at least one baby in there thriving. Two would be a blessing too.

I have to wait for my midwife to call me tomorrow to discuss what to do next. I'm definitely going in next week for another peak to see what else we can see.

If you think about it, please pray for me as I know this week of uncertainty is going to be very long.

Baby(ies)?

Well I went in for my ultrasound today expecting to see a 9 week along baby (with maybe a little bit of a tail). Instead they found this:

What appears to be two sacs measuring about six weeks along. This explains so much. But it isn't confirmed since it is so early. I go back next week for another look.

Oh. My. Word.

1st Midwife Appointment

I had me and baby tic tac's first appointment today at the midwifery where I delivered Barclay. It was so much fun!

I am, in fact, pregnant. What a relief! ;-) And it just felt SO good to be back. All the receptionists were oooing and ahhhing over Barclay. They just couldn't believe we had planned two so close together. But were thrilled we were there.

I did my usual routine of peeing in a cup, than weighing myself...definitely in that order so that every single ounce that is unnecessary is out of you.

I met one of the new midwifes there and LOVED her. She was so sweet. I told her about my birth experience with Barclay and told her how the midwife on duty that night basically wasn't with me but for the pushing.

She said, "Honey, we'll do our damnest to get you a beautiful water birth. And I promise a midwife will be with you the whole time."

She was so sweet and didn't fuss at all about my weight (Praise the Lord!). She laughed when I told her that I hardly had any nausea. Just throwing up 1-3 times a day. She thought it was hilarious I didn't think that was bad. With Barclay it was hundreds of times a day.

Due to the spotting last week and the fact that a blood test was negative a day before the positive pregnancy test...I get to go in for an early ultrasound sometime this week! This is huge because they don't normally do them at the midwifery. I'm so excited.

I just feel so BLESSED and EXCITED about this new baby! I couldn't be more thrilled.

and...I couldn't be any MORE in love with the baby I have on the outside. He is a heart melter.

PS-According to their little counter thingy, this baby was conceived on Barclay's first birthday! Ha! Although I can safely say, that is not the case. But she thought it was pretty funny.

Big Waves

Man. I don't know what it is...but I adore movies about the end of the world. I cannot get enough of them. My favorite part is the big waves that tip over ships and cover NYC. It might be the surfer girl in me. But I seriously get high when I see them.

Last night I watched 2012 (well the second half)...The first half I watched several months ago on one of our first dates after Barclay was born...but I got sick and had to leave before the end.

I know this makes me totally unintellectual but I can safely say that this movie is in my top five ever. I LOVED every second of it. I cried my eyes out and got high with all the waves.

Weight

My first Midwife appointment is today and I am excited...except for one part.

The weighing of oneself. I know I am going to have to hear a lecture about how overweight I am and how I need to lay off junk food. I will have to defend myself telling them I don't eat junk food...I just eat whole food. As in I use butter and drink raw milk. I will have to admit that my problem lies in daily exercise. But oh how I dread the lecture...

I also have this nagging thought in my head...what if I'm not pregnant?

What if that cheap little test I took a few weeks ago lied?

Wouldn't that be shocking?...especially since I've started wearing my maternity clothes!

:-(

I feel terrible. Like an awful mother. If you read my last post, you may have gotten the clue that I was frustrated with Barclay.

Today I decided to not give Barclay any milk. Just to see if it made him less fussy. And the boy has EATEN A LOT. I'm talking WAY more than I usually feed him. I'm astounded and sad because I bet he's been hungry, and in my tired, pregnancy stupor, I just gave him bottle after bottle. And he's a big boy and needs real food. Not cheerios and milk.

I feel awful but I'm hoping that tonight he'll go down with a full tummy and sleep without crying.

Mommy's sorry Barclay!

Running Low

I'm running low on a couple of things...

patience

milk

sleep

energy

money.

Barclay has been completely frustrating this week. I cannot figure him out! He has become quite the fit pitcher. He has started dropping on the floor and wallowing. Part of me thinks he's just being spoiled. The other part is looking for some explination...like teething, or trouble with his tummy.

I'm just tired! I want to sleep all night with no screaming in the back ground. I'm being pouty today because my baby is being MEAN to me. I love him so much and he is the cutest thing ever...but I just might go crazy trying to figure him out.

The Totem Pole of Pregnancy

I feel like people rank you on a totem pole of pregnancy. When I first found out I was pregnant with Barclay, I felt pretty much as low as you could go. I was at the bottom of the pile. Not only was this my first time growing a baby, but I was just a wee bit pregnant. I remember sitting in the office at the midwife's house and feeling pretty unworthy. Watching overdue women moaning about their backs and women in their second trimester glowing and looking perfectly baby bumped. I was normal on the outside. I didn't have any battle stories. I didn't have any gripes. I didn't even feel like I was worth to speak about being pregnant. Not to mention, they talk about your baby as if it's a distant possibility, instead of your precious baby that you think about 24/7.

I was so shocked when the midwife didn't want to discuss my in depth birth plan at seven weeks!

This time around I feel a little like I'm not quite at the bottom. I have my first appointment on Monday and although I'll feel "skinny" (ha!), I have quite the battle story to share, a precious little boy to show off, and just over all feel like I will belong.

My Morning Rutine

What I wish it was:

Wake up before anyone else.

Slip into a beautiful, clean robe and clean slippers.

Shuffle into the kitchen and start a pot tea.

Sit in a window seat where the sun rise is just warming everything up.

Curl up with my tea and pray for my family.

Read the bible.

Journal in each of the babies journals.

Enjoy watching the world wake up.

Take a shower, blow dry my hair, put on some make up and an outfit that says..."I have great style and don't even have to try."

Go get my cooing baby out of the crib.

Feed him breakfast while I cook a healthy, hearty breakfast for my husband.

Pack Noah lunch and send him to work with a kiss.

What it actually is:

I hear Barclay screaming.

I just out of bed wearing probably nothing but two mismatched and very unattractive fuzzy socks.

Noah fusses at me because he's scared the neighbors will see me naked at 6:30 am.

I do it anyway because I can't find any clothes in my tired state of mind.

I make Barclay a bottle in hopes that I can gain a few extra minutes of sleep.

I gag when making the bottle because of morning sickness.

I get a grand total of ten extra minutes of sleep.

I beg Noah for 5 minutes to get Barclay.

I get up and put on my old robe which may or may not have banana squished on it. I have to wear it inside out so the banana doesn't touch my skin.

I get Barclay out of bed and start feeling sick so I put him on the living room floor to play and I watch something I dvred from last night.

I feed Barclay cereal and end up just munching on some nuts for breakfast.

Noah wakes up and I have to dig through the mountains of clean laundry to find his work clothes.

I then have to put them in the dryer to get the wrinkles out.

Noah leaves for work and it's 8 o'clock and I'm already exhausted.

There has got to be some happy medium between these two...don't you think?

dazed and confused

Today when driving through the bank to deposit a check, I asked the teller,

"Excuse me, is today the 10th or the 11th?"

She looked at me with pity in her eyes and replied,

"Sweetie, it's actually the 16th."

What?!

Friends

I feel like I just have too many friends.

I know. How prideful does that sound?

But I do! I can't keep up with them, can't let them all know how special they are to me. I can't fit in dinners with everyone I want to see. It's just impossible. I'm a three friend type of girl. I like a few friends I can really invest in and really know and love. But I am finding myself at age 24 with about 30 women that I cannot not be friends with. Each one is special to my heart. But I can't let them all know. That's frustrating.

Friendships have changed for me a lot since I've had Barclay. Life is busy, there is no changing that. And the friends that I know will stick with me for the next couple of years are the friends who

a.Don't make me feel guilty. I hate when I finally call a friend and all I hear is, "You never call me, you never come see me, you don't, you don't, you don't..."

b.Who skip the awkward "regetting to know where you are at right now" part and get into some REAL stuff.

c.Someone who sometimes calls me, instead of me always calling them.

I think those are the things that make me LOVE someone all the more.

I'm frustrated right now with the dissolving of some friendships...but excited about new ones.

So if I'm your friend, and you haven't heard from me in a while...it's not because I don't care...it's because I don't have enough time to always show you. But I'm trying to be better at that.

My Will Be Done

Yesterday day I started spotting a little bit. Throughout the day, I became more and more worried. My mind was racing with the possibilities of the pregnancy not ending up with a precious baby at the end. I tried to put it out of my mind so not to freak out, but also be realistic with my expectations. In the middle of the night, the spotting got a little worse, and then I started having cramps. I laid in bed, wide awake. Praying out loud and crying. I was trying to say the words..."Lord, your will be done." But it kept coming out..."My will be done...my will be done...my will be done." Because I didn't want to even visit the idea that God's plan for me would be to loose this baby. After a bit of fighting, and crying, and just breathing. I prayed for the strength to utter the words..."YOUR will be done." And I could. And then a peace washed over me and I was able to sleep.

Thankfully today I have taken it easy. I've rested and not done much of anything and the bleeding has stopped for now. And thankfully it wasn't even enough to get checked out for. But of course I'm worried and probably will be until I see or hear a heart beat. And here in the day light, I still want to say, "My will be done." And I have to again pray for the strength to ask God for his will...

Baby Bump?

I am a pretty confident girl. I'm the first to strip naked in a pack full of skinny dipping girls. I'm rarely worried about what I look like to other people. But when it comes to the size of a baby bump...I'm a basket case.

Is it too big? Is it too little?...Ok. Pretty much...is it too big?

When I was pregnant with Barclay, I used to google "8 weeks pregnant"...or "25 weeks pregnant"...and then click images and view all the bellys out there and compare mine. I wanted to look pregnant the minute I got a positive pregnancy test...but my wise younger sister kept reminding me how big my baby actually was:-( I think around 15 weeks my mom finally told me, that I was barely starting to show.

It's so hard to FEEL so pregnant, and be consumed by all these thoughts of your baby...only to look completely normal on the outside.

I am just 7 weeks yesterday and I feel already like I'm getting quite a bump! I've heard when you have a second baby, you show earlier...but I mean...as I've stated before...my baby is the size of a tic tac.

But then I think about the uterus is bigger...and the muscles...but basically I'm just trying to make excuses that I have a bump that was there before I got pregnant. Yes. I'm admitting my baby bump is mostly pre pregnancy softness with a tiny tic tac in it.

But I want to look pregnant! I have pulled out my maternity clothes and have lined them up on my bed, excitedly getting to know my whole new wardrobe...my old friends.

And why wouldn't you want to wear paneled pants and flowy shirts that accentuted your best curves anyhow? They're so comfortable and it's the only clothes I don't put on reminding myself to suck in!

The only thing keeping me from sticking my belly out and rubbing it like I'm 6 months pregnant is you people out in the word who will whisper behind my back..."Doesn't she know that baby is the size of a tic tac?"

I'm feeling pretty yucky lately...which I count as a blessing because it means the pregnancy hormones are high. But man has it zapped the energy right out of me. On the plus side, I am getting a ton of sleep! I was so worried when thinking about a second baby that when I was tired I couldn't sleep, but it's been working out nicely. I've been taking naps and going to bed early. And the sleep is SO deep and so overtaking of my body.

I have thrown up a good amount so far, but not nearly as much as with Barclay...so far.

I was thinking about it today when it was nearly five and my house was a wreck, I hadn't brushed my hair, and nothing had been accomplished...It literally feels like you have the beginning of the flu. Tiredness, achiness, nausea. Yep. It's like that, only you don't get over it in a few days.

But I'm so okay with that. The result is the best:-)

By the way, our baby is the size of a tic tac:-)

Excitment

The day I found out I was pregnant with Barclay, was one of the best of my life. I remember my heart pounding as I waited for the results of that pregnancy test. I remember my mind and heart being consumed with thoughts of this baby. I remember laying awake at night just imagine how it would be. To say I was excited is an understatement.

In planning for a second child, I just wasn't sure that I COULD be as excited. I mean, it's not new, I already have a sweet baby to cuddle, I'm not alone all day just thinking and dreaming...

I was wrong.

Ever since I saw that little plus sign over a week ago, my heart and mind have made room....and I am now consumed not only with my little Barclay still...but with this sweet little baby that I have never met.

I've actually realized that if it is possible, I am more excited. Because I know how good it truly is.

Then and Now

I'm so excited that with this pregnancy I am blogging! With Barclay I was so FULL of emotions and thoughts and I wish so much I had written most of them down. So I'm thrilled to be able to blog about this little one and also revisit how I felt with Barclay as well.

Oh it's going to be so much fun:-)

Exciting News:-)

Easy Cleaning Tip

I just tried out a tip I learned in a magazine a while back and it worked great!

My microwave was REALLY dirty and I was dreading cleaning and scrubbing it...so I microwaved a bowl of water and lemon juice (the cheap concentrate kind) for 4 minutes.

Then I just wiped everything clean in just under a minute.

Just thought I'd share!