Being a full time mom, and being a full time photographer.
Currently, I feel like I'm not doing a very good job at either.
My day is a constant battle of trying to get Barclay to be still, to be quiet, so I can actually do some work. I'm realizing that it's not healthy to have a still and quiet 7 month old! They need to interact and play and crawl and squeal.
My day is also full of apologizing to clients for being late on their pictures, or not responding to an email in a timely manner. I'm ending up making even more work for myself.
Today is the kind of day I'm just ready to throw in the towel and just be a full time Mommy. That way I could actually schedule, and have a routine. That way my days could be filled with playing with Barclay and enjoying the squeals and messes, instead of being constantly frustrated by them.
But...the occasional client comes along that is just perfect. They are easygoing, they let me do my thing, the images reflect both of us, there's no bumps, there's no gritting to make things work. They just do...
I've been blessed with a few of those clients lately and it makes me want to press onward! I want to capture pictures for people...without pressure, with out the business aspect, without the constantly going back and forth with schedules and going back and forth with what they don't like or like. I just want to take pictures. But that's unrealistic.
I'm so blessed that I can stay at home and work, but I have to admit, it is HARD WORK. There is never a break from either of them. I feel like I am filling every nook and every cranny with SOMETHING. As soon as I'm done editing, I have to nurse, and as soon as I'm done nursing, I have to make a phone call, as soon as I'm done with that, I have to play with Barclay...It's never ending. NEVER.
And the housework...don't even get me started. I've already shot down my pride, shot down my fears and decided that I HAVE to get some help in that department. It's just impossible.
I need to cut back on clients, and thankfully I'm at the point I can. I just wish I could tell which were going to be a pleasure to work with and who is going to be difficult. Should I have a questionnaire?
"Do you have unrealistic expectations?"
"Are my photos of how the day actually looked and went going to cause all your dreams to come crashing down?"
"Are you high maintanence?"
Well, then maybe you should go find someone else.
"Do you just love moments caught in a photo?"
"Do you want someone to naturally portray you?"
"Do you want artistic images that just scream you?"
"Are you willing to give up control and let me do my thing?"
Then we are a perfect match.
Something has got to change. I sit here, I've eaten a lot of chocolate, and some baby food for a snack. (Gross!) I've cried 3 times already. I'm frustrated. My house is disgusting! I've slept on the sheetless guest bed the past two nights. I have emails pouring in all the time of people I have let down. Barclay is wining in his crib because he refuses to nap. I'm not good at either of these things and I want to be the best at both.