And I want to just write out what it feels like to nestle with Barclay.
If there is one thing I've learned from being a mother, it is not to judge anyone! I had my ideas of what I wanted to do as a mother, how I wanted to schedule Barclay, what I wanted him to do and not do, eat and not eat...etc. After about 2 weeks, I decided that I needed just to survive and do whatever it took to.
One of the things I talked very much against was co-sleeping. I told all my non-mother friends, how awful it was and how I was never going to do it. How it affected both parents and baby's sleep, how you could roll over on your baby. How it created a habit that would be hard to break later on...
Let me tell you, after 3 months of literally not sleeping, I discovered something that would change my life...and save my life. Nursing while laying down. It was then that I discovered the joy of nestling.
I pretty much got addicted and for 2 months, I slept in the guest room with Barclay. I slept longer, deeper, and so did my husband. But after the haze started to settle, I knew that this was no good for my marriage, so back to the bedroom I went.
Just this past week, nighttime has returned to being awful and long. I've played musical beds so many times I can't remember where I am when I wake up. But I do have to say, no matter how tired I am, no matter how frustrated I am...those moments when I am curled like a semi circle around my baby boy are precious. It's like I've stored up room in my heart to cherish these moments and everything about them.
I love hearing him sigh, and the way his tiny hand rests on my chest. I love the feeling of my body warming his. I love the smell of baby head as I just lay in the darkness. I love rubbing his bald head and stroking his soft cheeks. These moments in the midst of chaos and crying are the part of motherhood that makes me want to do it again and again and again. They are the parts that I know I will remember years and years from now.
I guess God is just giving me a good stock pile of them;-)