My day

It's been a :
Wake up tired
Take your son to school in your pjs
Find your baby eating his poop
Sweep 4 times and there's still crumbs
Wash your children and they are dirty 10 mins later
Eat chocolate for meals
Give your toddler peanutbutter on a spoon for dinner
Never change clothes just pj bottoms
Never look in the mirror cause you are scared
Constant babies crying
No nap
Constant discipline
Ask your husband to bring home takeout
Kind of day.

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DIY Advent Calendar

As a child we had a paper advent calendar where we would open the "door" each day and there was a fun activity to do! That was my favorite thing about Christmas.

I wanted to either make or buy a cute advent calendar that Barclay could do this Christmas since he is pretty aware and this might be his first memory of Christmas.

Never got around to it. It is December 1st today so I decided to just write out a fun activity on a piece of paper and put it in a little advent church I got at Target a few years back for $2. By next year maybe I can incorporate these activities into a cute calendar that will last. But for this year it's torn up paper!

I thought I'd share in case anyone else was in the same pickle:-)

I tried to make it a mix of learning about the real reason for Christmas, giving to other people, having fun, making things and enjoying family.

December 1-Put up the nativity and read the Christmas Story

2-Have a 10 minute dance party to Christmas music

3-Make Snowflake Cookies (I have a snow flake cookie cutter)

4-Take Christmas Pictures!

5-Take a meal to someone with a new baby (tie it into the Christmas story and Mary)

6-Make a Christmas tree ornament

7-Make cookies and give to neighbors

8-Go to goodwill and find a Christmas book

9-Watch Charlie Brown's Christmas, snuggle and eat popcorn!

10-Wear your Pj's, get a milk shake, get in the car and see all the Christmas lights around town! (This originated as a way to make my mom not so sad on her anniversary with my dad).

11-Go see ginger bread houses at the Grove Park (a huge Inn here with a national gingerbread competition).

12-Make cookies for people who help us (ie mailman, trash pick up people, etc)

13-Make orange and clove hanging balls. (stick cloves into oranges in patterns and hang for smell)

14-Watch Frosty the snowman and drink hot coco

15-Take cans of food to homeless shelter.

16-Watch Rudolph and eat ice cream

17-Give money to a child in another country who needs it.

18-Send great granddaddy a letter (this is because my Grandmother's birthday was today)

19-Bring good cheer to a nursing home! (probably the one my dad's at)

20-Give 5 toys away to children that need them (aka goodwill)

21-Go to goodwill to buy presents for family (let him totally pick them out and pay)

22-Wrap presents

23-Go to Jojo's house and make Aunt Lucy's Christmas Cookies!

24-Go to Nana's house to open presents. Read the Night before Christmas.

25-Read the Christmas Story. Sing Happy Birthday to Jesus!

Breather

Today is my first day in like a month where I am sitting here and realizing that I don't have anything scheduled today. It has been non.stop. We went from a whirl wind season of fall photography (I did 6 photoshoots in a week!), to a ton of doctors appointments and finding out about Sullivan having some pressurizing problems in his ears, to having last minute surgery, to flying to CA with two babies and all the non-stop-ness that comes with that (multiplied with time change...yikes) to back to photoshoots and sickness. A whirl wind trip to Savannah to cheer on my friend Melanie in her first Marathon! To a wedding, and then my dad (who I am totally responsible for now) having total hip replacement surgery....and all the long hours preparing for and after entails. To more photoshoots and editing. And on top of all that a LOT of drama with my sister and her husband. All multiplied with the most temperamental toddler and a fussy 9 month old who wakes up several times a night. It's all a lot. A lot. And there hasn't been a moment to sit back and cry.

Sometimes when people complain about being busy or stressed out I just want to laugh.

I do want it to slow down and I want to be able to give more to my family and friends than my distracted stressed out half brained attention.

I went to baby shower for a friend from college this past Saturday and I came home and Noah asked me how everyone was and I couldn't tell him one thing. I was so out of it!

Things are looking up. I have committed to start cutting back on photoshoots in December. We hired someone to clean our house once a week ( a MAJOR MAJOR humbling experience for me). That has significantly decreased marital tension and it has helped me SO much to keep up. The holidays are around the corner and I am SO thrilled to be able to spend it with my family.

I feel like there are seasons of my life where it is non stop, one thing after the other, people think I'm lying it's so crazy. Glad to be leaving that season and on to one with boundaries and taking it slower.

All my blogs in one

I've written 1/2 of a zillion blog posts and they all sort of look like this:

Im tired
I love my children
I adore my children
My children cry all the time and drive me crazy
I am crazy
Will I ever sleep?
Why does everything I do feel like trudging through mud
I'm tired
I wanna kill almost everyone I come in contact with because they sleep...including mom's of brand new babies
Why do my children hate sleeping?
I eat a lot
I want to eat more
I am freaking tired!

The end

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Dear Sullivan

Dear Sullivan,

I think I've fallen in love with you a thousand times over this past month. I do NOT think you can be any more delightful! It finally clicked with you yesterday and you are crawling everywhere. You crawl like a drunken sailor though! Very wobbly!

I have spent hours every single day (and night) just gazing at you and I do believe I kiss you more than a thousand times a day. You are so soft and so chubby and I can't help it!

You adore your big brother. ADORE him! You will just sit and watch him like he's the best thing since sliced bread! You laugh at him all the time. I'll just be driving and you two are giggling away in the back seat and I have no idea what about!

You smile with your whole body, just like I do. You have two cute little teeth now and they make you cuter!!!

Honestly, I can't imagine my life without you. You are such a precious joy in my life.

Sigh.

I cannot stop thinking about you and I'm tempted to lean over your crib and just kiss your face all over...but that would be silly!

I cannot wait to watch as you grow into the man God made you to be. I pray you are as gentle and loving as I can already see you are now.

Please never stop letting me kiss you!

Your "love-is-bursting-out-of-my-heart-mama"

Tidbits from CA

In theory, I want to do a long, blog post for every day of our trip to CA. But in reality, I know that will never happen! So I've decided to update random memories and snippets of our adventures on this blog post. It'll be out of order and probably grammatically incorrect, but it'll save me from blowing up Facebook with a hundred statuses AND I'll have a record of it to keep forever. So check back for updates, I'm sure it'll be amusing;)

*everyone on the plane hated us before we even took off, and we did NOT disappoint. The entire 6 hours, someone was either crying, screaming, whining, or kicking the seat in front of us. The five mins of silence we had,both boys pooped. No joke. It was helacious. What made it worse was the stares. People were acting like we were being rude! Not one blessed min of that trip was spent NOT trying to calm the babies down. I mean, you cannot leave...what did they expect us to do? It was magnified by how utterly exhausted we were. I slept 2 hours (not in a row) Monday night because Sullivan had unexpected ear tube surgery early Tuesday morning. I slept less than that Tuesday night due to packing and finishing up editing photoshoots.

*I grabbed the guy sitting behind me on the plane's sock foot when I was on the hunt for a lost toy car. That did not help out our " cheer up the grumpy people" cause.

*no matter how hard I try to be organized, pack simply and smartly, and dress my family adorably...we are nothing but a chaotic hurricane of mess. We will never be "those people" who look effortlessly put together.

* despite the chaos, I am so thankful that Noah and I have continued traveling and exploring with our children. Well maybe not in the moment when we have to leave a delicious local meal with doggie bags to eat in the hotel because of multiple breakdowns. But in the long run, I don't think we will ever look back on this time and regret not putting our adventures on hold for the first 10 years of childrearing.

*at the beginning of our trip yesterday my bra broke and the underwire was sticking me. It chose to pop completely out of my shirt in a crowded train. What did I do when I found myself stand in a crowded train holding an underwire? I casually handed it to Sullivan to teeth on.

*I despise eating fast food. I find I can completely avoid it, even in situations most people would just give in. On road trips, I usually call ahead to a town ahead of us and order something and pick it up as we pass through the town. Usually it ends up being about the same or less money too. When we arrived in San Fran, we were all starving but I was not about to let our first meal in CA be fast food. So we drove to down town, I hopped out at a hole in the wall Falaful place while Noah did block laps with our conked out boys. We enjoyed a delicious kebab sandwich with spicy cabbage as we drove around the city in blissful silence. And it was less money, lots tastier and we didn't clog our arteries;)

*in an effort to keep Barclay from kicking the seat in front of us in the plane, for the thousandth time, I braced myself and pulled him back...and ended up jamming my toe onto the metal chair base. I didn't scream bloody murder like I usually do when in pain because I was so scared they would throw us out the emergency exit! I ended up nearly ripping my nail off and gashing my toe. it bled everywhere. positive thing to the situation was that we got band aides and they entertained Barclay for 10 mins.

* Noah and I are exact opposites in every way...except how we travel. We always fall in love-again when we travel. We love just being places. We normally don't make a lot of touristy stops. We love to sit at cafes and watch the locals. We love to have a fluid schedule. We love taking every opportunity to eat something yummy :) I think it's one reason we do it so much:)

* I know it's weird but I have an obsession with pretending I'm a Native American Indian. I love to think back to times when all their was the land. We are driving the Pacific coast hwy from San Fran to Templeton, where we are going to a wedding on Friday. The pacific coast is wild and rugged and very uninhabited. I can close my eyes and suddenly I am an Indian girl standing on the jagged cliff overlooking the ocean. Because as much as everything in the world has changed, the ocean has looked the same since the beginning.


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Some Thoughts on Motherhood

I feel like God blesses me with a few moments of seeing my life in a "big picture" sort of way everyone once in a while. Times when everything clicks and I see things in relation to eternity instead of in relation to things that just don't matter in the long run. I feel like sometimes I am just fighting trying to be better and do better and I just feel like a failure and then God opens up my mind for a few seconds and I can grasp onto the fact that he loves me unconditionally and that the reason I feel so unsatisfied sometimes is because I wasn't created to be satisfied here on earth and that the reason heaven will be so sweet is because that constant longing in my heart that I cannot satisfy with things I buy, ways I succeed, or the relationships with my husband or children.

I'm visiting a sweet college friend who has twin girls and with 4 children to tote around even simply getting to church was a feat! Something is going on with Sullivan (the doctors think he could possibly have allergies like Barclay) and he has been up nearly all night just wailing. I was so tired yesterday that I couldn't really see straight until about 11 am and after a cup of coffee. Sullivan was crying so I could not stay in the service to listen to the sermon. This isn't unusual for my Sunday mornings lately. The church I visited had a library in the foyer with all kinds of books that you could purchase. I didn't have any cash on me so I browsed them, mentally noting titles of books that I would like to read one day. I stumbled upon the book Stepping Heavenward (http://http://www.amazon.com/Stepping-Heavenward-Journey-Godliness-Inspirational/dp/1577483421/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&qid=1316443312&sr=8-13). I remembered my mother giving it to me to read when I was about 12. I think I read the first two chapters and just gave up. But it was so RELAVENT to me at this time in my life! It was written in the 1800's by a girl with gumption (as I'd like to refer to a real zest for life!). As I skimmed through my heart just identified with her so much in her struggles and her lack of an eternal view. And she lived a good 130 years before me! I just giggled to myself as I read her account of a fight with her husband...it was so real and so familiar. I ordered a copy off ebay (from 1901) for 12 dollars and I am so looking forward to reading it!

I also was able to read a little pamphlet that was entitled The High Calling of Motherhood. It convicted me so much of where my prioreties are. I know this might be a little contraversal to others and I'm not saying I agree with it 100%, but it was so nice to read something so straight forward instead of something trying to be politically correct. You can read the whole thing HERE (http://http://www.reformedreader.org/rbb/chantry/motherhood.htm). Again, it was looking at everything we do here on earth with an eternal view instead of a view of what we can gratify ourselves with.

Now, I am so blessed to have a job that I love, and SO blessed that I am able to stay home with my children most of the day. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I never imagined I would WANT to have a job. But here I am with a job that I love, not one that I HAVE to do to make ends meet. One of the sentences that just resonnated in my heart was that women like to work because they get a pay check immediately and it gratifies them. Whereas motherhood is not like that. We do all this HARD work day in and day out and we dont' see results until years and years later (if at all). I am so guilty of this. I do not think there is anything wrong with working. I do not think there is anything wrong with doing something I love. I do think that I have a little problem with accepting every single photo opportunity that comes my way. I bend over backwards to make them work instead of protecting my time and my family and not scheduling them back to back. Not only does it affect the time that I am photographing people, it really affects my days as I am usually sitting at a computer, editing for several hours a day as my chidlren run around tearing up the house and I get SO impatient with them for not letting me do my work. It takes away from everything. More than a pay check, I love getting positive feedback from people. It just fills my heart up when I hear how beautiful my photos are and how talented I am. Every single facebook comment just makes me feel that much better about myself. It's one of the only areas in life I feel successful at. No one praises me after each diaper I change. No one cheers for me when I discipline for the hundreth time. Of course I would prefer the former!

Another sentence that really resonated with me was this: " Some day the glamour girls who leave their children in a nursery will reap their reward. They will sit in their plush houses with their fat bank accounts and will look with envy at godly seed."

Please here me, I do not think that a working mother equals children growing up to not love God. I'm not saying that at all. But it really gripped my heart that at the end of my days, seeing children that I have mothered, and tried my best to daily point to christ will matter so much more than any money or reccognition that I had.

In conclusion, I was greatly encouraged to do what I've known for a long time now and that is greatly cut back my business. This means saying no (which I am not good at), this means not giving discounts or doing free work for friends (as much as I LOVE doing that, it takes away much more time than the few hours it takes to photograph them, from my family). It means making my family my priorety.

Believe me. I KNOW I'm blessed. I KNOW that many women either want to stay home and cannot because of finances or simply just love working and I do NOT fault them one bit. In fact, so many of my close friends do both. I'm just saying that I, personally, was convicted of an idol in my life and that was getting praised for my work. I admit that I have put my work in front of everything. In front of my husband, my relationship with God, my children, my housework...

I really want to work on switching that around. This does not mean I'm not going to do photography. I love it and I really think that it's a talent I've been given and it gives me so much JOY!

I was also struck (like a TON of bricks) with the great task I've been entrusted with! It's not just keeping children alive for 18 years, I am the MOST influential person in their lives. With God's help, I am literally shaping their views of God and their attitude and actions.

I'm so thankful the Lord can speak to me and encourage me in all kinds of circumstances. And I just wanted to share some thoughts.

September 7th resolutions.

Man. People told me that time passed quickly when you had children. I did NOT find that to be the case with Barclay. In fact, I feel completely and totally secure that I treasured every moment I could in every stage with him. I always left a stage feeling so satisfied. But MAN, as soon as Sullivan was born my life began this BLUR stage and I don't like it one bit. Seriously. Every single day is just GONE. I get hardly anything done and I blink and it's gone! I am left reeling as I see my little Sullivan who I thought was just born, turn into this wide eyed, scooting and soon to be mobile little man. How did I get here. I faintly remember the summer but it's like a dream that you sort of remember and yet can't quite get a grip on it.

Does having three children make it go faster?

I'm not one for cheesy quotes but I saw one that really stuck with me, recently on my cousin's fridge: "How you spend your days is how you spend your life."

I've been really stuck in a rut lately. I don't know what I am waiting for but I so desperately want a fresh start. New Years Resolutions are too far away and I usually don't keep them anyways. I missed the first of the month. I feel like I'm waiting for magical, fairy elves to appear one day and do every single thing on my to do list and then hand me a brand new day where I can just start doing everything AWESOME from here on out. I'll wake up before the children and get ready for the day, I'll be able to exercise and keep things organized. I can cook and eat healthy and loose weight and play with the kids and make pamphlets for my business (something I've wanted to do for years!). Or I am waiting for days to magically have 30 hours in them instead of 24.

But the truth is, no fairy elves are coming and every day, as I said before, is flying by me. So I guess on this random Wednesday in September I'll just try to do what I can.

Why don't I just GET this lesson? Why do every 3 months or so, I have to sit down and blog about all I cannot get done and then *lightbulb moment* I realize I just have to start doing and stop looking at all I'm not doing.

Here are my September 7th resolutions:

1.PLAY with Barclay. I am so blessed to have a lot of help with Barclay. In fact, I have people just lining up to take him to the park or to the pool or lake. Seriously, I am so blessed! Nearly every day someone takes him "off my hands" for a couple of hours. BUT, I feel like that leaves me with all the sad things about parenthood (aka discipline or just basic keeping them alive and clean chores). I get sad and jealous sometimes that everyone gets to play with him, while I get to check things off my list (glorious things like grocery shopping and cleaning toilets and editing). I am determined to get down on the floor and play with him. Or to take opportunities to leave Sullivan with Noah or my sister and take him to the playground (even though I will never not have stuff to do).

2.I'm also resolved to loose about 20 pounds. Man I struggle with this so much! I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds several times since Sullivan was born. I did so good on WeightWatchers and lost every single time I did it. Trouble is I got lazy and didn't want to count anymore and I have not lost anything since I stopped. So I am just going to buckle down and deny myself from eating any freaking thing I want. Why? Well mostly because I want to wear cute clothes this fall, and also because I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I don't have to accept myself as the adorable, curvy, girl who has a great personality. I can also be the adorable, fit and sexy girl with a great personality;-)

3.I am also resolved to hire someone to clean my house once a week. Noah and I have been fighting about it for years but I am now desperate enough to do it. So if anyone has any good recommendations of someone who doesn't judge people based on how messy their house is, shoot me their info!

4.And my last little resolution is to clean out my fridge every week. I did it every monday for about a year in 2010. It really helped me to meal plan, not waste food, and just generally feel like I wasn't drowning. And when I did it every week it saved me from the dreaded biyearly cleaning which is A LOT more traumatic. I cleaned out my fridge today and it was BAD! Not only that but I discovered that I have 4, FOUR, containers of cottage cheese (all not expired) and guess what?! I bought some cottage cheese today at the store, because I forgot about the other ones. So in the end it also saves money.

Here's to doing what I can every day, even if I can't do it all!

Special Things

These are just some things my boys say and do that I love and think are special...

Whenever I put a button down shirt on Barclay he declares that, " This is my dancin shirt." Only button downs.

Every time I kiss Sullivan on the head or face, he closes his eyes and sighs. It is heart melting.

Barclay has named his hands. His right hand is his "bad boy" and his left hand is his "good boy". He never ever confuses the sizes. When he hits or is bad, he uses his "bad boy". He even refers to my hands as "bad boy" and "good boy". The other day he said, "Mama, put your bad boy here and your good boy over here.". On me it is opposite though because I think he is considering them from his perspective. Oh he cracks me up!

Sullivan constantly chews on his tongue, but he flips it before he starts chewing. He always looks like he's about to starve, poor baby! But he's a whopping 21 lbs so no chance of that!

Barclay now gives permission to himself to do things we say he cannot do, by saying that random objects gave him permission.

Example: "Mom, can I have a popcicle?"

"No Barclay. Not till after dinner."

"My tractor said I can!"

I just love them.

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Monique

Five summers ago, I had just moved back from college and didn't have many friends in my old hometown.

One night, at the Apple Festival, here in town, I met Monique Ruiz. She and her husband, Dan, just moved here from Florida. Within 5 minutes of meeting her, this spunky, beautiful beach beauty had invited us over for dinner. Not in an hour, not in a half hour, but right that minute. We went to their house and I watched in amazement as she chatted away and threw together some sort of amazing mango salsa dish.

She acted like we had been best buds forever. She was warm towards me instantly. And instantly I loved her.

Throughout the years this girl has been there for me. She brought me spaghetti the day I found out I was miscarrying the twins. She didn't ask she just did. She and I have taken impromtu goodwill trips to Greenville and made t-shirts just to go to herb festivals (as if it were Bonnaroo). We have watched as each other's familes have multiplied and celebrated each new life as if it were the first. She is such a light in my life.

I remember talking to her the month before I got pregnant about Barclay. We asked them if they were considering ever having children. They both were very hesitant and replied that they probably wouldn't. Why bring children into such a sad, dark world?

Monique watched me like a hawk throughout my pregnancy and birth. I could see her observing each new stage and I knew that she was considering it.

A few weeks after my miscarriage, I just flat out asked her if she was pregnant. She was and we hugged and cried on my couch. She didn't want to hurt me, but I was so happy for her. Happy/sad tears. The second she became pregnant, she embraced it like no one I've ever witnessed. With every free second she was reading, listening to pod casts, and asking questions. By the time she gave birth to her beautiful little Avery Belle, she was THE expert on all different types of childrearing. It's been amazing to watch her fall more and more in love and to embrace her new role of motherhood so beautifully.

Just 3 months after having Avery, we were greeted by the joyous news of a second baby on its way! 2 babies in 1 year!

Tonight we gathered to do a gender cake cutting. I just loved watching Monique jump up and down like a child on the best Christmas of her life as she saw a pink sliver of cake. She was smiling bigger than I thought she could and squealing. I know no matter what color that cake was, she'd have been just that excited.

Two weeks ago, while sitting in the ocean with her, she said, "I cannot imagine anything better than being a mother." :-)

So thankful that these guys decided to make the world a BETTER place by bring their children into the world.

Loosing it...again

Don't worry, between my last "loosing it" post and today's "loosing it post", I have "found it" and have had some sane moments.

I think I'm dying. I seriously think I might just keel over and die tomorrow. I have been trying for a week to suck it up and get Sullivan out of our bed and sleeping through the night. He is a big boy, he doesn't need to be eating 3-4 times a night. Every night Noah spreads out more and snores more and I am fighting him all night to even make space for me, must lest (is that a word? I actually don't know) our son. I just want to SLEEP. I need to sleep! So for the past week I've been letting Sullivan cry it out. I cave about an hour in but it involves me being out of bed a lot during the night. And mr Barclay has been crying and waking up with nightmares, falling out of bed, sleeping talking really loud. I might as well not even sleep because 10 minutes here and there is seriously killing me.

Today I was talking our pastor and my sister and I had to put ice on my eyes in order to keep from falling asleep. I tried to nap when they napped today but the unfortunate thing is the second I laid down to nap, one woke up, the second I got the other one down to nap, the other woke up.

Sorry, just had to type this out. I went to be at 10:30. Between that and 1 am, I have been up 10 times!!!! I haven't nursed the baby at all, but I have had to comfort and get a paci and put a toddler back in bed, and pat a back and roll my husband to his side of the bed and I think I've begged him to stop snoring like 11 times. We don't have a guest room or you better believe I'd be sleeping there tonight.

Someone up this much deserve a whole new meal.

So Dear Boys,

Mama's going to loose it unless you two start sleeping and stop crying.

About to loose it!

I am about to loose it.

I'm about to leave this house and run outside in the rain and scream for a good long minute.

Uggg. I am TIRED. Like I want to crawl in a hole, too tired for a nap to fix it, TIRED. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep!!!!

This is day three of Barclay getting out of his bed and playing in his room and not napping...aka I don't have my time to get things done because every five minutes I am disciplining.

I am SO tired of disciplining I could cry. It never ends. NEVER. I feel like when I'm at my wits end and just want to let Barclay do whatever he wants because I just can't spank or talk to him anymore, but I have to press forward and keep disciplining or it will never get better.

Sullivan has cried all day for two days:-( I don't know what's wrong.

Noah is constantly frustrated at me for things I don't feel I can do any better. I am just a big screw up.

I'm so tired of just trudging forward even though I'm tired. I'm so tired of being the mean mommy that is CONSTANTLY saying no no no when I want to just dote on him.

I'm tired of everything being hard. I'm tired of my dad and his constant complaining to me. I'm tired of taking care of everyone. I'm tired of cooking and CLEANING!!! Geez, I feel like all I do is clean and it never gets clean.

I'm tired of being hungry, because my crazy appetite cannot be quenched. I'm so tired of thinking and planning and goal planning and bill paying.

I'm tired of my marriage feeling like it's last place because at the end of the day I'm just too tired to work through things.

Uggg I just to sleep.

Moments of bliss

I feel like my life is just a blur. Nothing but chaos inside of chaos inside of chaos. Every day is just crazy! Noah and I look at each other throughout the day, several times a day and just say, "This is crazy! We just are drowning!" It's not just the two babies, it's just both our jobs, and family stuff and bills and just the never ending things that grown ups deal with. But it seems like other people deal with it just fine and we, on the other hand are just behind in everything.

I will say in the midst of the non stop craziness, I am experiencing some of the most blissful moments. Tonight when I was nursing Sullivan (thank the LORD I nurse or I would never get/make a chance to enjoy him). The entire time he just stared at me and kept coming off and grinning at me. And he rubbed my chest the entire time. Sigh. I love him. I love being a mother. I love the friendships we've made here. We are so blessed to have such deep, real, non surface friends. This past week I had so many precious moments with friends.

So to sum it up...things are nuts, but I love it.

Random Thoughts from my Already Random Head

It seems I only have time to post random thoughts...or maybe I only have random thoughts now. Nothing too deep or too involved just random things running through my tired brain, crashing into each other.

I'm throwing a shower on Sunday and I reeeeally wanted to have a perfectly clean, together, organized, decorated house. Most of all I wanted to frame a lot of our recent family pictures. I don't think it's going to happen. Oh well, I'll cook some good stuff and not play horrible baby shower games and it will be a hit.

I've been going through TONS of pictures from the past 3 years. Here are thoughts on that:

-I should never cut my hair shorter than touching my shoulders...unless I loose like 50 lbs.

-My boys DO look alike! I forget but they really really do look so similar.

-I have adorable boys who get in all kinds of trouble and I get the best pictures of it.

-How in the world am I going to have a house big enough to house all the pictures I want to hang?! I only have had children for 2 1/2 years and I feel like I can't print anymore because we have no more walls!!!

-I reeeally want to go back to Italy. It was oh so fun and so adventurous and so picturesque.

-I have got to take MORE pictures. I know it sounds crazy (especially since our walls are running out of space!) But I will never regret taking too many pictures.

-I have got to organize them!

-My husband is so handsome!!!Swoon!

-He is the best daddy ever.

My sister moved back in with us this week. It's an adjustment, especially having double the ammount of baby things! But it is going so well. I know it's right where God wants her to be. God is changing Katie Beth's heart so beautifully. I know her situation is just horrible horrible, but God is using it to soften her heart and it's so encouraging to watch.

Barclay started "school" aka his preschool that he will attend in the Fall's summer camp. He cries every morning that we go, not because he'll miss me but because he doesn't understand why he can't take the random assortment of toys he collected into school. I feel so much better having a few hours a week to really delve in and work hard on things I need to do. And he loves it! Win/win!

I have baby fever...well not really. I love babies. I don't love being pregnant. I just am having so much sadness as each day and milestone passes by. I literally cry every day as I put away more and more and more outfits Sullivan outgrows.

Speaking of that, the boy is BIG! I would guess around 21 lbs. He wears size five diapers (like his brother) and he is BURSTING out of size 12 months. He is rolly and chubby and I am in love with him.

Nights still are crazy. I counted one night and I was up out of bed 7 times. That's average. We either need to get a Kind sized bed or we have got to get either Noah or Sullivan to sleep in the crib! ;-) I'm trying to get Sullivan to sleep through the night but he likes to eat and snuggle...so I'm enjoying it.

I got my birth control implant cut out the other day because it was making me mean, crazy and hungry and nauseated. I felt like I might as well be pregnant if I was going to feel like that. Surprisingly, I feel good about our plan to use natural methods. And we've decided we want one more baby for sure (if God so blesses us). So that makes it not as much pressure. I would love another year or year and a half off from pregnancy, but we'll just see what God has in store.

I want to eat all the time. My weightwatchers has turned into eat every point and hope you don't gain weight. I'm thrilled when I'm the same weight. I'm hoping the lack of birth control in me will put a little more control in me:-)

i love being a mommy:-) so so so so so so very much.

Dear Love #3

Dear Love #3,

Oh my baby, my heart sings every time I lay eyes on you. I cannot imagine my life without you in it.

You are pure joy, all bottled up in the softest, chubbiest baby I've ever seen. Every time I speak to you, you burst into a smile and clutch your hands together in ecstasy. It is the cutest thing.

You have added so much to this little family that felt just fine at 3. You are the perfect additon and blessing from God.

I think back to last year when we lost our little twins, my heart was so sad, and you have greatly help heal it.

I cannot stop kissing you. You are so soft and kissable. You wake up a lot in the middle of the night, but I don't mind that much because it's our special time together. Time without jealous big brothers, or dinner that needs to be cooked. It's just me and you:-)

Oh little Sullivan. I love you so much and I know it's gonna just grow as the years go on. I cannot wait to see your little personality unfold even more this year.

You are my little love,

Mama

Dear Love #2

Dear Love #2,

Tears fill my eyes every time I think of you. You are quite an amazing little boy, even at just 2 years old.

You love so many people so much. Your sweet, loving spirit is so evident when you arrive at the pool, spread your arms out and exclaim with joy, "These are all my fwends (friends)!" I love that you don't know a stranger and that you welcome all kinds of people into your heart.

You are so smart and so curious and so excited about everything. I love just sitting and watching you play. I always end up laughing so hard because you are so precious!

You love all things boy. Trucks, motorcycles, tractors, boats, cars, etc. You can spot them from a mile away. Whenever I'm not with you, I find them and think of you:-)

You are wildly emotional. This makes for some tough times sometimes, but it is such a beautiful quality you have in so many ways.

I'm so glad you're in a stage where you like to snuggle with me sometimes. The other day you were sick and I just curled up on the couch with you and we took turns rubbing each other's back. You were whispering the whole time, "I love you more, Mommy." My heart was melting!!! I love that when you are watching your TV show Shaun the Sheep, you say, "Please sit with me, Mama!" I think that your love language is quality time. I hope that for the rest of my life, I can summon up your sweet little voice in my heart.

You have finally started to love on Sullivan instead of be jealous of him. You get so excited when he smiles or coos. I think you hug his neck about 30 times a day and kiss him twice that much!

I get so worried when I think about this sinful, ugly world. I want to protect you and keep you from hurt and harm. I am learning to trust the Lord with you and just do the best I can.

Barclay Thomas George, I cannot believe how much I adore you. I feel like a love sick girl who wants to do nothing more but write you love letters and think and talk about you.

I hoep you will always know how much your Mama loves you and treasures you.

Love,

Your Mama

Dear Love #1

Dear Love #1,

This summer makes 11 years since I laid eyes on you and instantly fell in love. So much has changed...We've done most of the changes side by side, and I am so thankful. You have proven yourself over and over that you are a man of honor, and I am so proud to be your wife.

You have worked so hard. The first few years of our marriage were scary because you had a job change and had to start from the bottom. It thrills me to see how far you've come, not only in the amount of income you bring in (thank the LORD it is more than 25 dollars a day!), but in the way you handle yourself, in the way you set goals and reach them. I'm sorry for all the times I didn't encourage you to dream big. I am so proud of you! I am also so proud of your genuine care for your clients. I've seen you give up commissions in the better interest of a sick client, clients going through divorce, etc. God has blessed you because you honor him and because you are honest.

I love the home we've made together. I love that we are on the same page when it comes to opening our home to people. I cannot imagine being married to someone who never wanted guests and who was more concerned about a "perfect" home than hospitality.

I love the father you. Sigh. It melts my soul. I wasn't sure at first, how you would be with fatherhood, but you smashed all my worries in the first moments of Barclay's life. You have embraced it and I love it so much. I'm so thankful you play with Barclay every day after work and I am so thankful that it isn't a task, but a joy.

I'm so thankful for the way you challenge me every day to set goals and strive to be better in all areas. Although it is exhausting, your motivation and zest for life is so refreshing!

I'm so grateful for your encouragement in the Lord. Every time I've found myself with doubts, you have so strongly pointed me to Christ.

Thank you for your love and encouragement even though I am a handful sometimes, emotionally. Thank you for your sweet head rubs and hugs throughout the day. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I give up on myself.

A month ago, we celebrated 6 wonderful years together. In those six years: I've graduated from college, we've gotten pregnant three times, we've birthed two beautiful sons, we've mourned two little lives, we buried three grandparents and many friends, we've dealt with sickness and a lot of family issues. Even though these things were hard, you were by me and I by you and that has made things so much less traumatic.

I have loved growing with you, Noah George. You are my love.

Helen Joy

We are weird

Noah and I are so weird. In addition to constantly being on the go 24/7 we no longer sleep in any sort of predicable fashion. We start the night with both of our heads at the foot of the bed for some reason, and during the 7 or so hrs of sleep, I get up to nurse the baby several times. I usually move my head to the head if the bed so Noah won't roll over on the baby. Occasionally, I'll wake up sideways on the bed. It's really sort of nuts and not very relaxing. Nights lately are very "twighlight zonish".



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New loves

There are a few new loves I mine I want to share, even though everyone probably already knows about them!

1. iPhone
I have never wanted a smart phone before. I was content with my 4 year old LG flip phone. But Noah convinced me to try an iPhone with our upgrade...and I'll never go back. I'm pretty anti technology; I prefer living simply simply. BUT this phone has majorly simplified my life. Everything is on this little device. My music ( we had no iPod before), my email, my blog, my lists, recipes I want to try, my calendar and planner, my video camera ( I have caught so many precious moments since it's always with me!), a pretty decent camera, my gps... I can watch Netflix too!
Plus I can post pictures to Facebook all the time.
I love it!!!!! I can get so much done in one nursing session! I'm so thankful for something that slightly keeps me organized and less of a crazy mess:)

2. Weight watchers
I have lost 8 lbs in 6 weeks! I know i coild have lost more if i wxcercised or if i didnt use every single point and extra point. But its wedding season and the fact that im loosing instead of gaining makes me really happy. I think im going to do it for the rest of my life because i have no self control:)The free app on my iPhone helps me sooo much. I can look up points and recipes at any time.

3. Pinterest.com
Ooohhhh my goodness! I am in love!!! It's like walking through an art gallery any time you want. It's so inspiring. I have found yummy recipes, diy ideas, photography ideas... I love it! It's so relaxing! Aaand there's a free app for it. Because I have no time to sit and do that at the computer. But I do pee and wait in line and nurse like 10 times a day:)

4.Zulily
It's like Groupon for kids stuff:)
I bought the boys 12.99 crocs! It's fun to just browse too:)
Go here to register for free.
Click here to register for free!

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Being able to think

I am writing this from a hotel room where Sullivan and I have had a full 24 hours to ourselves. This has involved laying in bed, swimming, eating, repeat. Noah had a conference in GA and a hotel paid for so we left Barclay with my mom( thanks mom!) and came to enjoy the hotel while Noah is in meetings.

Oh my goodness I needed this!
I was beginning to go a little crazy. Like I felt like every second of my life was taken up. I have been running around like a crazy woman for the past six weeks. My mind was muddled and I couldn't make decisions, and I was overwhelmed with the desire to be better at everything, to strive for improving the millions of aspects in my life that are so sub par. I just felt like my life was always going to be so crazy that I couldn't ever ever ever catch up.

It's amazing what 24 hrs of being able to think has done for me. I still feel overwhelmed and tomorrow I jump right back in the craziness. But I am just encouraged, this is a season. A crazy, chaotic, non stop, precious, FUN season. One I'm sure I'll look back on and wish with all my heart I could have back. My main thing is I'm determined to press through and just do what I can. I have got to stop getting discouraged. I will drown if I stop.
I have really gotten to fall even deeper in love with Sullivan. What a blessing to just be able to play with and love on the little guy without a big brother tugging at me, begging for attention.
And starting in about a half hour I have 24 hours with my husband too! We need it. I feel most days we are just working together to just keep the children alive and trying to barely stay afloat. I think snuggling and talking will be a welcome reenergizer. I love him so much!






If you had told me when Barclay was little, that I would think thy being in a hotel with "just" a baby was a blissful vacation, I would have thought you were crazy! But this little guy is nearly perfect:) Amazing how perspectives change.


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Random Thoughts from my Already Random Head

-I am determined to find the perfect way to make a microwave s'more. I have tried several different ways, and they're all delicious!

-Noah's 99 1/2 year old grandmother died last week. She died almost to the day (a year later) than my grandmother, Helen. She was in hopice care for 11 days. Watching someone die slowly is so painful and emotionally it is really hard because I say goodbye so many times.

Some of my favorite memories of our last times with here are:

*Barclay rubbing her hand and singing Jesus loves YOU to her.

*Right before she went into a coma, she was in and out of conciousness and Sullivan cried and she woke up and said, "Is the baby here?" Then she proceeded with her usually ooos and ahhhs over him. Oh how I LOVE how she ooed and ahhed over my babies. She was blind for the past 10 years and just little things like their chubby little hands were such miracles to her!

*Holding her worn, weathered, wrinkly hands and thinking about how many people she loved and served with her hands.

*Making the slideshow for her funeral and seeing the nearly 100 years worth of pictures.

*Playing "It is well with my soul" on the violin at her funeral. I was crying and playing.

-I am having some real pregnancy symptoms...which is weird since I am not pregnant. I have taken a test, but I swear I am feeling exactly like I did last summer.

I think it is either my birth control (which will be coming out of my arm in a week if I don't feel better), or such the summer heat taking me back into the memories. I have thrown up and detest the thought of ice cream....which is weird for me.

-My hormones are going nuts too, because I feel like I'm dying of heat all the time. If I could take my skin off, I would.

-I'm really having to come to grips with how things are in this season of life. I pushed myself way too hard to do everything fun and all my work and all of everything last month and I realized that it's just not worth it. I started saying "no" to things, starting with missing the Mumford and Son's concert in Asheville last night that I was so looking forward to with my husband. This afforded me a night alone to go to bed early and do little things like laundry and replying to emails.

-Sullivan is THE CUTEST baby I have ever seen. He is HUGE...nearly 20 lbs at not even 4 months. He is wearing the same sized diaper as Barclay which makes things easy for me! He has outgrown all of the clothes Barclay wore the summer he was Sullivan's age...so I have to go get some at goodwill. He smiles and laughs all the time and is just so precious and sweet!

-Barclay is covered in bug bites, scrapes and bruises but he is loving being all boy this summer. I am in LOVE with him. The other night when I was sooo very sick feeling, we took turns rubbing each others backs and watched a movie. The whole time he was whispering, "I love you more mommy." He talks SO much and understands so much. His latest thing is he gets on his little bike and kisses me goodbye and says, "Goodbye! I'm gonnna go sell some houses. I'm gonna go help people." Which is what his daddy says to him every morning when he goes to work.

-Uggg I'm really having a battle inside of me about this birth control issue. God doesn't give a person more than they can handle right??

-I'm having a hard time not beating myself up about how much I fall short of my own expectations. I just am not able to be as good as I want to be at things.

-I am 1000 times grateful that we moved into town. Being near people and events and groceries stores has saved my sanity!

-I am doing weight watchers (I highly recommend the online version) and have lost 8 lbs. I really think I need to be on it my whole life, it works so well for keeping me (a completely un self-controlled person) accountable. I am totally able to have plenty of treats and snacks I just can't have everything I want.

-Noah and I are just beat at the end of the day, we are having to be SO much more intentional about spending time together and talking through issues. It's really hard because all I want to do is crash mindlessly in front of the television, but sometimes I just have to realize that our marriage affects everything and it is THE most important thing.

I am so so so so so behind:-(

Will I ever catch up?

Will I EVER not have to live life at the very last minute?

I had a very very very busy month. Last week was supposed to be my week to catch up and get things organized and finish so so so many things. But God had other plans and Noah's grandmother was in hospice all week, they said she could die at any time. It took 11 days. So we had a lot going on.

And now, this is my only free day all week...and Sullivan cried until 10:20 and Barclay started having a break down at 10:25. I swear, I feel like I'm drowning in all the things i need to/ want to do.

31 Days to Clean-Having a Martha House the Mary Way.

God has been teaching me so much lately. I love how my relationship with him is one of santification...meaning that He is always working on me and making me more like Him. It's such hard work, and sometimes I just feel like I just want to skip this part of my Christian walk all together.

I feel like God has been working on me extra hard the last year and a half.

One of the hardest things for me (you may think it's so silly!) is that I have such a hard time keeping a house.

I am creative and doing daily chores that never are going to be DONE (as long as I live!) is so mind numbing. I have two children and a full time from home job so I can always find something to keep me from cleaning. I have had such a struggle with this ever since I got married 6 years ago, and it has be THE biggest stressor in our marriage. I can't tell you how many times we've sat in marriage counseling talking about my housekeeping skills!

I always try, I always am looking for something that will make me be better at it, but over and over I am back at square one with a frustrated husband and a dejected me.

I feel like I grade myself as a wife based on how clean my house is (which probably makes me a D- type of a wife. It is also something that I am constantly beating myself up about.

"Why can't you be better? Why can't you stay motivated? Why do you give up?"

One day on Facebook I saw a link to an ebook called 31 Days to Clean-Having a Martha House the Mary Way. It was offering a free ebook to people if they blogged or facebooked about it in the next couple hours. Naturally I did, just knowing this could be my breakthrough!

Life has been busy and I have only gotten to read and do the first chapter. But I must say, that even if I don't get anything else out of it, I think this book has ministered to my heart in such a deep and positive way.

Every day it gives you 2 challenges. One is the Martha challenge...like, clean out your fridge. One is a Mary challenge that goes deeper into WHY we clean.

The first challenge was to come up with a mission statement of why it is important to me to have a clean house.

It's been over 3 weeks since I read that, and today I decided to do it.

It's amazing. No one with a full time job that wants to be better at it doesn't have goals or a mission statement stating WHY they want to be better at their job. Why should boring housekeeping be any different?

Why do I want to be good at it? Why is it important at all?

This is what I came up with:

It makes me want to cry. This new idea that keeping my home up every day isn't just so my husband can say I'm a good wife, or so that I can check all of my list off, but that I want it to be a place that we can have people come into our home so we can share Christ with them freely has blown my mind. I can guarantee you that this change in my mindset will not make me a perfect 50's housewife, but I can guarantee you that in the midst of such mundane and never ending tasks, if I remember this mission statement...my attitude will change and I will have the motivation to do whatever I can.

I made it pretty and hung it up on my fridge. I'm excited about going through this book (although I'll probably do it in 60 days instead of 31 just because I'm so busy this next month and a half). I'll try to check back once in a while with how things are going in keeping my home:-)

BC

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm hoping it's not the shot of BC I got in my arm that's making me feel a little depressed and crazy, and more the lack of sleep or the vast amount of things I have to do overwhelming me.

Seriously though, I've had a rough time with birth control. The 3 years I was on it were horrible and very crazy. I got off of it to get pregnant with Barclay and after I had him, I was already wanting another baby (sort of holding on to the hope that maybe my second baby wouldn't make me sick). After Sullivan was born I was 99% sure I was done done done. I was so traumatized by the whole experience that I promptly sold all my maternity clothes on craigslist and decided to give all except a very few special pieces of clothes away. But every day that has gone by has really made me realize more and more (and forget more and more the awful sickness) that I want one more baby. Boy or girl. Doesn't matter.

BUT, I am very sure that I want to give my body a good 2 years to get well and healthy before the next baby comes along. I feel like getting pregnant right now would 1.Stress my marriage to the max. 2.Kill me. 3. My children would have to go live with their grandparents. So I decided to do the IUD. That didn't work out so they removed it and gave me the Implanon shot. I got it a week ago and I have had a really hard week since then. A hard time getting out of bed (granted both my children have been up all night and not napping), I've been really irritable and snappy:-( and I've had a really hard time staying motivated.

Sigh. I'm going to give it a few weeks more but if I still feel this way, I'm going to trust the Lord and take it out and maybe try natural family planning (which is hard to do when you are breastfeeding and not having your period).

I believe God has a plan and will give you a child whether or not you are on Birth Control in His perfect timing(as many of my surprised friends have found out!), but I don't want to be irresponsible when I just don't think that getting pregnant again so soon would be good for our family.

I feel like I have only 2 options.

1.Be on Birth Control and have my mental problems return and ruin relationships

2.Possibly get pregnant and have my sickness return and ruin relationships.

What to do, what to do...

What Not to Wear #3

Wow! Iy busy week last week but I still have a lot more people watching pictures to post!

Enjoy!

Honey, I don't think the phrase, "I can still fit into clothes I wore in middle school." works here.

Adorable couple.dress. and boots!

Santa came a little south!

This lady had craaaazy pants...

And a feather in her hat.

This guy's hair was cracking me up!

Mr Jamacian tourist showed up too!

I thought this lady on the right was SO beautiful and feminine. I rarely see people with hair that long, that it actually looks that beautiful!

Old timer. So cute!

And his wife dressed to match:-)

This guy was cracking me up.

I thought this girl looked so cool in these overalls.

Bright red pants. I thin I would like them if it wasn't paired with Tie Die.

Some crazy shoes!

Cute little juggler man.

Lounging in your overalls! I thought is position was hillarious! Like a sexy sunbather!

Sequined visor anyone?

I loved the girl in the fore ground, and when I uploaded my pictures I noticed the treasure of a guy behind her! :)

I hear, "Merlin, Merlin, Merlin" echoing in my head when I look at this picture. Sword and the Stone for sure!

I thought this lady looked so cute with her red boots!

Another skirted man!

Someone had very hairy legs...me!

Sporting the overalls and the fanny pack! Fantastic!

More to come!

Thought Process

How in the world did my grandmother do it with four kids under five...?

Well she didn't have facebook so she had a lot more time.

But she had to use clothe diapers for all of them! And not the good ones either. Oh my word there must have been so many dirty cloth diapers. How did she do that?

How did prarie women do it? They had to make a fire and cook everything. Everything must have been so hard!

Oh my word, grocery store trips for my grandmother, how did she do that with four kids?

Well at least there were no car seats to have to buckle and unbuckle all the time. That's one of my worst parts of motherhood is buckling the car seat.

How did she do it without blogs and facebook to make her feel connected to the world? The world outside of constant housework and dirty cloth diapers? Oh it would be so boring and so mindblowingly hard with out an outlet to quickly type..."I'm going nuts because my baby wont stop screaming!" All the encouragement I can get in a matter of minutes from women who have been there and done that and survived.

Sometimes I wish for the simple times back in the 60s when I wouldn't have so much to overwhelm me, but after this thought process I am 100 percent glad I don't live back then. I will take the dresses though. I love me some pretty dresses.

What Not to Wear #2

Here are a few more people watching moments for your viewing pleasure!

Probably my favorite of the weekend. This nice, normal looking woman was walking, then turned and...BAM yoda?!

Funny hat kid.

Once I made sure this guy wasn't dead, I took this picture. Strange shirt.

Loved this old timer decked out in his overalls and chillin.

This little girl had it going on!

Brocaide butterfly vest anyone?

I love that if someone from NYC would come here, they would think this outfit was strange, but it was perfect for where he was in the hills of WNC.

Skirted men where spotted everywhere. This one did all sorts of dancing and juggling.

Well this happy girl thought she'd get a tan while she walked around.

I don't know if the dress is too low in the back or if her underwear is too high...

The british celebrating the Royal Wedding in style.

I thought this girl had the prettiest hair and I loved her flower.

Haha.

Complete with heels and everything. Just what I was about to wear to a hot, rugged, outdoor music festival. I think it's Lady Gaga...

Much more to come...