Random Thoughts from my Already Random Head

-I am determined to find the perfect way to make a microwave s'more. I have tried several different ways, and they're all delicious!

-Noah's 99 1/2 year old grandmother died last week. She died almost to the day (a year later) than my grandmother, Helen. She was in hopice care for 11 days. Watching someone die slowly is so painful and emotionally it is really hard because I say goodbye so many times.

Some of my favorite memories of our last times with here are:

*Barclay rubbing her hand and singing Jesus loves YOU to her.

*Right before she went into a coma, she was in and out of conciousness and Sullivan cried and she woke up and said, "Is the baby here?" Then she proceeded with her usually ooos and ahhhs over him. Oh how I LOVE how she ooed and ahhed over my babies. She was blind for the past 10 years and just little things like their chubby little hands were such miracles to her!

*Holding her worn, weathered, wrinkly hands and thinking about how many people she loved and served with her hands.

*Making the slideshow for her funeral and seeing the nearly 100 years worth of pictures.

*Playing "It is well with my soul" on the violin at her funeral. I was crying and playing.

-I am having some real pregnancy symptoms...which is weird since I am not pregnant. I have taken a test, but I swear I am feeling exactly like I did last summer.

I think it is either my birth control (which will be coming out of my arm in a week if I don't feel better), or such the summer heat taking me back into the memories. I have thrown up and detest the thought of ice cream....which is weird for me.

-My hormones are going nuts too, because I feel like I'm dying of heat all the time. If I could take my skin off, I would.

-I'm really having to come to grips with how things are in this season of life. I pushed myself way too hard to do everything fun and all my work and all of everything last month and I realized that it's just not worth it. I started saying "no" to things, starting with missing the Mumford and Son's concert in Asheville last night that I was so looking forward to with my husband. This afforded me a night alone to go to bed early and do little things like laundry and replying to emails.

-Sullivan is THE CUTEST baby I have ever seen. He is HUGE...nearly 20 lbs at not even 4 months. He is wearing the same sized diaper as Barclay which makes things easy for me! He has outgrown all of the clothes Barclay wore the summer he was Sullivan's age...so I have to go get some at goodwill. He smiles and laughs all the time and is just so precious and sweet!

-Barclay is covered in bug bites, scrapes and bruises but he is loving being all boy this summer. I am in LOVE with him. The other night when I was sooo very sick feeling, we took turns rubbing each others backs and watched a movie. The whole time he was whispering, "I love you more mommy." He talks SO much and understands so much. His latest thing is he gets on his little bike and kisses me goodbye and says, "Goodbye! I'm gonnna go sell some houses. I'm gonna go help people." Which is what his daddy says to him every morning when he goes to work.

-Uggg I'm really having a battle inside of me about this birth control issue. God doesn't give a person more than they can handle right??

-I'm having a hard time not beating myself up about how much I fall short of my own expectations. I just am not able to be as good as I want to be at things.

-I am 1000 times grateful that we moved into town. Being near people and events and groceries stores has saved my sanity!

-I am doing weight watchers (I highly recommend the online version) and have lost 8 lbs. I really think I need to be on it my whole life, it works so well for keeping me (a completely un self-controlled person) accountable. I am totally able to have plenty of treats and snacks I just can't have everything I want.

-Noah and I are just beat at the end of the day, we are having to be SO much more intentional about spending time together and talking through issues. It's really hard because all I want to do is crash mindlessly in front of the television, but sometimes I just have to realize that our marriage affects everything and it is THE most important thing.