Monday, May 24, 2010

Tonight I'm aching for a baby. A snugly little newborn who will nurse and coo and nestle in my arms. I can't quite pinpoint if it's me missing Barclay's babiness or me missing the fact that I'm not going to have one in October.

It has gotten to the point where I can't tell you exactly how many weeks it's been...or how many weeks I would have been. I guess that's good. I go about my daily life as daily reminders pop up. Finding a onezie someone sent me for the new baby to match their with their big brother. Reading in my pregnancy journal the excitement I had . Find out yet another friend is expecting in the fall.

I was so sure that I'd be pregnant this month. I felt like God "owed" it to me. I bought the pregnancy test far before I could take it, I planned to take it on our anniversary because we found out on our 3rd anniversary with Barclay. But the morning before I was greeted by a much not wanted period a week early. I know I can't really complain because of the many friends I have who have tried for over a year. But as my sweet friend once told me when I was frustrated with a negative pregnancy test. Every month hurts, no matter how long you've been trying. That touched my heart. She tried for 2 years before conceiving her little one, and yet she could offer me so much comfort in my silly little one month.


  1. I was wondering today how you were doing and thinking about how stuff doesn't stop hurting. If I lived nearer, I'd bring you food and a chick flick and hug you. Love you!

  2. Yesterday was the two year anniversary of the due date of the baby that I miscarried in between Anna Ruth and James. I was thinking, "wow, I would have a 2 year old right now if that pregnancy had gone to term." I still shed some tears, and I'm not a "crying" type of person. I thought about that child being in heaven, what he/she might look like, whether he/she is full grown, whether they know me or not...etc. It's hard for us mothers as those babies were a part of us, even for that short time. Anyway, just wanted to let you know it's okay to hurt for a long time even though the pregnancy was so short and you didn't have much time to bond with your babies.
    I'll be praying that God would bless you with another baby soon. Newborns have such a way of healing the hurt.

  3. I certainly have not felt, nor can imagine feeling, what you have been in recent weeks...but I just pray for you the same peace that Bruce and I have found in our wonderings about having "a little one": it will happen when it is supposed to! God will make you and Noah and Barclay a new miracle in His time. Something I've come to understand from reading your blog and posts is this: God knows our hearts! I just KNOW He will make that perfect little life (or lives!) inside of you when your heart is ready again. And he or she or them will be SO PRECIOUS!! :) Because Barclay is still the cutest baby I have EVER met! Great genes :) Love to you, sweet friend! Be strong!!!


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