Friday, March 20, 2009

Yarn and bad dreams

Well, I didn't do any laundry yesterday...but I did take a few moments to set up a photo shoot of my sweet little chunkster. Here's a few of my favorite shots.

Hmmm I don't know if I'm going crazy from lack of sleep. Perhaps. The past two nights around two in the morning, I am feeding Barclay and all the sudden am overcome with the most uncontrollable ichiness. I feel like ants are crawling beneath my skin. If somone were looking in, they would observe a very funny scene: Here I am naked, because my clothes HURT, trying to nurse, holding a kitchen knife and itching my body with it. The first night I thought it was because I had washed some of Noah's clothes that were covered in Lime (he's "limeing the yard" whatever that means). But again last night the same thing took place.

One morning I called my mom crying because I was so tired. She was so sweet and replied with, "Well honey, of course you're going crazy, this is how the Chinese torture people!" So prehaps this is the end result of the chinese torture I've been experiencing for the past fifty or so days.

I finally had a dream this morning. It wasn't a very good dream...I dreamed that I microwaved my baby! I don't know what I was thinking, but the result was not pretty. Poor Barclay was all puffy and fat like a turkey. I woke up crying because I felt like the worst mother ever. Thankfully it was a dream.

Speaking of dreams, I had a pregnancy journal that I "tried" to fill out during my pregnancy. It had a section for writing down dreams. I wrote down two and then decided my poor child would not befefit at all from reading my frightnling strange dreams. Not once did a have a regular, "I held you for the first time and you were so perfect dream...".

Here is the strangest of my dreams:

I was feeling the baby kick and reached down to my lower belly. I was rubbing it and felt little wiggly toes. Before I knew it I felt a KICK and a foot was sticking out of me. I freaked out and reached down to....count the toes! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve! On one foot! I started crying when all of the sudden...KICK. The other foot comes through. I reach down to count the toes on that foot. One...Two. TWO! I grabbed both feet and yanked my child out and to my horror found a little, fat, bald man with very unbalanced toes. He also had TEETH! He started swaying side to side singing Opera. They kept trying to give him to me to breastfeed and I kept freaking out and saying, "I'm sorry but I can't love him!". Right when it couldn't get any worse, I felt a KICK KICK and felt two other legs come through. Reaching down I couldn't find any toes! I pulled out those legs and out came a twin, a very tall and skinny twin who joined his brother in singing opera. Needless to say, strange dreams.

PS-I had not seen Benjamin Button at this point in my pregnancy.

Last night, my sweet friend Sophie came to visit. She's a friend I've made in the past year and I absolutely LOVE her! She's so easy to be with and we always have such sweet, REAL, and deep conversations. I made a quick dinner and was talking to her about my dietary frustrations. I LOVE cheese, I pretty much live off of cheese and since I've come off of dairy, I am at a loss of what to eat. I expressed to her my joy of discovering a replacement of ice cream...cheesecake. Sophie thought I was joking. But I wasn't. I know this sounds CRAZY but I thought if it was cooked, the milk part of it would cook out. Sort of like alchohal. Sadly, I have one more thing I love scratched off my list. Happily, poor Barclay's tummy troubles the other morning (from 3-7 am) are explained. Poor thing! First microwaving him and then eating CHEESEcake?!

Last nigth we watched a very beautiful and touching movie called, "The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas." If you want to cry, and I always do, this is the movie for you. The imagery was so thoughtful and lovely. Every frame was like a piece of art. It's about two little boys who become friends through the fence of a Nazi death camp. One is a Jew and the other is the son of a Nazi officer. It is SAD though.

Yesterday was a wonderful day. Barclay was so sweet and slept through both lessons that I taught. He also smiled at me a lot and snuggle with me. I'm so in love and cry every time he outgrows an outfit, which is pretty much every day now:-( I'm so blessed!


  1. I love reading your posts, HJ! I'm sorry things are so rough. The whole not sleeping thing really adds up and affects your whole self in every way! I hope and pray it gets better soon. Barclay is adorable, and I love the one in the yarn where he's smiling!
    Love, Julie

  2. Oh- I had vivid dreams all during the pregnancy and for months post-partum!! Ugh! They were so irrational and oftentimes either too realistic or absolutly absurd and unrealistic. Still, they all felt the same,..terror. I finally got an antianxiety med because I would wake-up with panic attacks from them. Ativan really helped me sleep very well. lol! :) Hope things level out soon. I have stories upon stories to tell you of post-partum ills and issues. The docs even thought I had cancer at one point because my hormones were so out of whack! Eeck! It will get better, but in the meantime, you may have to keep your portrait gigs low and rest. Much Love- Amy


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