And babies wont keep...

My growing boy...

It's funny how much a productive day has changed in meaning for me since the baby was born.

A list of what I hope to get accomplished pre baby looked like this:

grocery shop

do all laundry

fold all laundry

organize garage

teach five students

reply to five brides

write thank you notes

do blog

take car to get serviced

call 2 friends

cook dinner

work out

etc...

My list of things I "hope" to accomplish since the baby has arrived looks more like this:

Feed the baby and attend all his needs

Shower

if you have time, wash the dishes.

I'm learning that I can count myself as having a productive day, even if all I do is keep both baby and me alive. It's a little discouraging when Noah comes home and it looks like I've done nothing all day but watch Oprah and nurse. I know he wishes that after his long day at work, he could come home to a good dinner and at least have clean clothes to wear. I just don't think that he understands just how my day goes. A simple diaper change can turn into a full 30 minutes of clean up. (The other day, Barclay actually peed into his mouth:-/ I was so freaked out and also laughing hysterically that while trying to clean up the poor baby, I didn't notice he was gearing up to do it again. That little diaper change included changing the pad on the changer, changing Barclay's outfit twice, washing him with a wash cloth, me changing my clothes and washing the wall. That was 30 minutes out of an already short 24 hour day.

Barclay has been in a definite growth spurt the past few days. I know this because he DEMANDS to be fed every 2 hours. That is two hours from the time I feed him until the next time I feed him. So 40 minutes of that is already taken up with nursing.

Thankfully, I feel such support and wealth of wisdom from so many moms out there. Encouraging me to let the housework be last priority to enjoying my baby. I don't think it was like that many years ago. I think there were a lot of lonely mothers trying to make everything seem perfect when on the inside they were dying. I see a huge difference in the way things were when my mother was raising us, to now. People are more open and value honesty instead of perfection. I know there are mothers out there who truly can do it all, or at least most of it. I have come to realize that I am not one of them. Maybe it is because I'm the artistic sort and given a free hour, I'd rather write, or frame artwork, or take pictures.

There is a poem that my Aunt Helen recited to me in her beautiful southern drawl when I visited her when Barclay was just 2 weeks old. I had tears in my eyes most of that visit and was feeling completely overwhelmed. She has had 6 children and said this is the thing she wished she had caught on to in the beginning...

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow...

for babies grow up

we've learned to our sorrow...

So quiet down cobwebs-

dust go to sleep...

I'm rocking my baby

and babies don't keep.

I think I've hit another wall as far as being able to make it. I was so tired last night that I thought I was going to drop the baby when I went to pick him up. My arms were tingly, my head was pounding, I was crying. I tried to get Noah up to help me, but when he's asleep, there is no waking him. Four times I was awakened from sleep to take care of my sweet baby. Usually I enjoy the quiet night and the sweet times with the baby. But last night I felt like I was in a nightmare, wading through mud trying to get away from someone chasing me. I know it will pass and I am treasuring every minute, but I'm really missing my sleep.

Even as a young child, I couldn't wait to go to sleep. I had the most fantastic dreams and I couldn't wait to dream them. Throughout my pregnancy I slept at least 10 hours a night, sometimes 12. I LOVE sleeping. But now I dread night time. I know that I'm just heading into a dreamless sleep that will soon be interrupted. People have told me to nap when he naps. I get so frustrated because Noah says that the reason he can't help me at night is because I can nap and he can't throughout the day. The thing is...I can't nap. I try but it is one of the most frustrating things ever. It's not even worth it. Every time I try to nap, I am awakened within a few minutes by Barclay. It's like I try for ten minutes to fall asleep, and as soon as I do, he wakes up. It makes me feel even more frustrated and tired. I would just assume get something done, than frustrate myself. It really hit me the other day that no matter if I want to go to bed early, or want to sleep in, I'm at the mercy of my infant and cannot catch up on sleep that way.

I read the book Babywise when I was pregnant and was totally excited about the whole scheduling thing. It really made sense to me. I have two sweet cousins who gave me the advice of not worrying about it for six weeks and just enjoy taking care of him. Today, Barclay is six weeks old and I've tried for the past week to start scheduling him a little bit. The thing is, I'm so tired and I forget when I last fed him. Something comes up and I can't give him a full feeding. I schedule doctors appointments when he should be sleeping. Or it will take him two hours to finally fall into a fitful sleep and I just can't wake him up to feed him because I know he needs the rest. I'm not giving up on it, but I'm just saying that things aren't as neat and tidy in a box as I thought they could be.

I'm sorry for venting through this blog, but it is so therapeutic for me and I really enjoy the advices and encouragement that I get from Moms of all ages.

As for good things:

Barclay is becoming so much more alert, and when he's not screaming from the acid reflux, he is trying to tell me things with his gummy smiles. Every day he gets cuter and cuter.

I bought a new red shirt yesterday that makes me feel very ooo la la hot.

I love the daffodils that I see poking up everywhere

I have several bridal portrait shoots coming up and those are my absolute favorites to do

God is blessing Noah in his work

I am receiving a package of new nursing bras in the mail today, so I don't have to do laundry so much.

Noah and I are going to Boston in about a week to visit friends!