Thursday, March 12, 2009

A very honest ramble

I feel like I'm at my ropes end. I've heard that new babies are sapposed to sleep 10-14 hours in a 24 hour period and Barclay only sleeps about 7. Everytime he goes to sleep, he wakes up in horrible painful screaming. His Pediatrician said he has acid reflux really bad and that he is woken up by burning in his belly and esophagus. I sometimes think that doctors are quick to diagnos this for fussy babies. They put him on previcid. Well I forgot to give it to him about two nights ago and I'm positive that they were correct in their diagnosis. He screamed even more, if that is imaginable.
I tell you what, it is the worst feeling in the world to hear your baby scream their lungs out in pain for hours and hours and hours, endlessly. I rock him, sing to him, feed him, bath him, rock him, rock him, rock him, rock him...etc. and it doesn't help. I feel awful! He looks at me with swollen, wet eyes and his bottom lip quivering and I can't do anything to help him more than I'm already doing.
I've done everything I can think of. I've stopped eating dairy, and salad, and broccoli, and other yummy things.
I bought a sling cradle especially for acid reflux babies, I've given him milicon drops, and gripe water (which really really does help gas), I've let him sleep in his car seat, I've swaddled him, I wrap him in a ceramic blanket and nothing works.
If at last he stops crying for a brief period of time, he is so precious and calm and alert.
I'm certainly not mad at him because he can't help it. I'm just frustrated and tired.
In the 5 weeks, one day since he was born, I've only been away from him for 3o minutes. My mom held him while I went sledding with my sisters. I've tried to pump milk several times and to no availe. Yesterday my mom came to help me (since I'm using her old pump...strange I know) and we discovered that the pump doesn't work. So today my number one goal, other than staying alive and keeping Barclay alive is going to walmart to get a pump. That way, maybe Noah could feed him one night and I can get some sleep.
I had such a hard pregancy with being nausous beyond belief for months and months and months, even up until I was 9 months pregnant.
I also had a very intense, hard, and long I was sort of hoping for a calm and easy baby. That hasn't been the case and a lot of my plans are changing.
I previously planned on teaching my 7 violin students and even adding an 8th. I thought, how hard would it be? I'll get my mom or mother in law or sister to come and hold him while I teach and it wouldn't take but four to five hours a week. I'm finding just washing dishes and showering overwelming and the thought of continuing to teach puts me in tears. I love my students though and really want them to progress and I want to help them. I just feel like I'm going to be an awful teacher with my mental state right now. I have tried to contact some of them to get started again and just trying to find a time that works for them is wearing me out.
I'm definitely still doing my photography. The fact that most of it is going to take place in the summer is so reassuring and the fact that I LOVE it and couldn't not do it helps too, but I feel like being a Mom (and a mom to a fussy baby), and doing photography, and trying to be a good wife, housewife, and friend is too much to handle.
I'm praying about perhaps dissapointing people and quitting teaching. I hate dissapointing people!

I've always been ahead of all my friends. I got married way before them and throughout college I really struggled because I wanted to not be "that" girl who became completely attatched to her husband and wouldn't do things. I think I worried about it so much that I wasn't healthy in my marriage, because I was scared people would think I had changed. But I had changed. I was married now and should have been focusing more energy on my husband and our life together. Thankfully, I've had two years out of college to really connect to Noah and be OK with being the "married girl". It does help that many of my friends are now married. I am now finding myself, again, ahead of the game and wanting to not be that Mom who doesn't do things, or go places. I don't want to be left out. But I'm finding that unlike when it was just Noah and I, this baby depends on me. I cannot be selfish and want to please other people. My baby needs me.

I'm hoping that today I can make it. I'm taking it one day at a time. Thankfully, my good friend Catherine is here helping me get some of my house in order. It also helps to have someone here when the baby is screaming all day, because I don't feel alone.
I'm pretty sure she's not in any rush to have a baby any time soon though:-)


  1. I posted a comment and my computer ate it. Figures. I wanted to tell you that the hair on the back of my neck stood up when I read this because I went (am going through) the same exact thing. Ben has such awful reflux that he's been referred to a specialist and had an ultrasound in order to rule out something more severe. In the early days, he didn't sleep, he cried... and cried... and cried. And the crying was "Mama, I am in PAIN, make it stop!" And I couldn't do a damn thing but hold him closer and rock him. He is on a compounded medicine and still suffering from it, but things have gotten significantly better. Hang in there, the early days just suck, there are no two ways about it. You have a precious little baby and want to savor every moment because they are only that little for a short time, but at the same time, you want him to hurry up and grow up so you and he can finally sleep through the night and he can work the reflux thing out. I know. Be strong, I know you are doing a fabulous job and are a born mommy - you were so fabulous with Ben when he was that small. Remember how testy he was that day? Reflux. Anyway, if you ever need a shoulder, I am here and going through it right along with you. Also, go to Target and get the Medela Pump in Style. The manual pumps will just frustrate you more - I have one of those too. Keep your head up and keep doing what you're doing - I know you're doing the very best anyone can do, and Barclay and Noah know it too. In time these things will work themselves out, and you will be a better mama for having gone through all of this.

  2. I know you love your students, and I loved mine. But when my mother got sick, and I was caring for her, my marriage and my job, I couldn't give my students what they needed. I've stopped teaching for almost a year now, and don't know that I"ll return so family needs me more - and there are plenty of us teachers out there. Enjoy your time with your precious one, and soak up the moments you share with him and Noah. Praying for you this day...

  3. "jeremy" is amanda ghent by the way - apparently I don't know how to make a simple comment with my name on it!

  4. i really think everyone will understand about not teaching for a while. if you need help finding replacement teachers let me know and i'll see what i can do! ly

  5. Barclay is so precious, and he is so lucky to have a mama who loves him so dearly. I love you, and I'm praying for you. I'm glad I got to see you the other day, and hey, aren't you glad you watched the PURPLE video now? ;) Now, go downstairs and play some internet poker, stat. Doctor's orders.
    -Mrs. Gore

  6. Helen Joy,
    I'm so sorry to hear about your rough time with Barclay. That must be really hard to go through. I will be praying for you and for Barclay and for you to have time to rest and spend time with Noah as well.

  7. Please know that all your woes are normal - whatever that is at this point in our lives. Just wait it gets better when you husband asks why you cant get all the housework done everyday when you are home all day and he goes to work - I quickly told him he GETS to go to work everyday!! I promise it does get better!! As a new mom of a 5 month old (my husband and I both work full-time!!) we are able to sleep some 8 hour nights and have really cherised the times the grandparents have volunteered to babysit - take them up on it!!


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