My Journey with Bi Polar Disorder-Part 1

I'm linking up to Kelly's Show us your Ministry.
Although I would not say that my blog is completely dedicated to dealing with my bi polar disorder, I would say that it is real and honest. When I was diagnosed several years ago, I experienced what I thought would be the loss of my biggest dream....motherhood. I wrote about my journey in 4 parts starting with this post, which I wrote several months ago.

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

I hope you will take the time to read through it and that it encourages you!

Part 1
I've gone back and forth about whether or not I should ever mention or talk about this on this blog. I'm not scared of what people will think, and I share with anyone who will listen to me if I've ever talked to you in person.

I don't care if people skip over it because it isn't a Christmas cookie recipe or lovely photos of my child.

I do slightly care about "opinions" some might have and try to share...although I'd never let that be my reason not to share.

I just never felt like doing it.

Until today. For some reason, all day, words were running through my mind. I couldn't get them out and I couldn't shut them up.

No one wants to read about this at Christmas, I thought. But here I am at 10 pm writing. I really feel, for some reason that God wants me to write this. So here goes.

Ever since I can remember I've been a passionate girl. Always the first to suggest an impromptu skinny dipping expedition...always making art and writing poetry, always the emotion one. I love these things about myself. These are reasons my friends and family love me.

I remember, in high school, sneaking out of my room at night ( not to meet a boy) but to run barefoot in the field across the road and sing song at the top of my lungs to God.

I've always felt very alive, always been very joyful and happy.

With these good qualities, come some very hard and hurtful things about me. I get upset very easily, I don't like criticism, one small thing can send me into the "depths of despair" (as Anne of Green Gables would say).

I've always been called a drama queen, an attention seeker, an all or nothing girl.

My mother used to whisper in my ear several times every day, "Self control".

I never had any no matter how hard I tried.

Up until college, these things gave me minimal trouble and for the most part I was loving life despite many hard circumstances.

I don't know when the downward spiral started. I sometimes think it was when I started on birth control a few months before my wedding, other times I think it was the marriage itself. The fact that I was suddenly with someone 24/7 and could not hide any of me.

Either way, just a few months into our marriage, I started having a few break downs here and there. It would start with a small comment and in no time I was hysterical crying on the floor. Several hours later, the fight would be over and I would feel normal. I would want to hold hands and talk to Noah. I would want to go on as if nothing had happened. I remember the first time I had one of these break downs. We were getting ready to fly to Boston for a friend's wedding. I was packing and I honestly do not remember what started it. I do remember the look on Noah's face as I barraged him with insults and accusations. I remember it as if I was flying above our bodies and watching from afar. I remember the hurt on his face and the confusion when I "came back down".

Our first year of marriage was probably your typical first year, in many ways. Lots of adjusting and learning, not necessarily anything out of the ordinary. I thought these fights we were having were the normal..."Marriage takes work."

Despite the "break downs", Noah and I had a year full of absolute blissful moments. There were times I was so happy I felt like I would burst. These moments were much more often then not.

to be continued...