Monday, December 21, 2009

My Journey with Bi Polar Disorder-Part 1

I'm linking up to Kelly's Show us your Ministry.
Although I would not say that my blog is completely dedicated to dealing with my bi polar disorder, I would say that it is real and honest. When I was diagnosed several years ago, I experienced what I thought would be the loss of my biggest dream....motherhood. I wrote about my journey in 4 parts starting with this post, which I wrote several months ago.

I hope you will take the time to read through it and that it encourages you!

Part 1
I've gone back and forth about whether or not I should ever mention or talk about this on this blog. I'm not scared of what people will think, and I share with anyone who will listen to me if I've ever talked to you in person.
I don't care if people skip over it because it isn't a Christmas cookie recipe or lovely photos of my child.
I do slightly care about "opinions" some might have and try to share...although I'd never let that be my reason not to share.
I just never felt like doing it.
Until today. For some reason, all day, words were running through my mind. I couldn't get them out and I couldn't shut them up.
No one wants to read about this at Christmas, I thought. But here I am at 10 pm writing. I really feel, for some reason that God wants me to write this. So here goes.

Ever since I can remember I've been a passionate girl. Always the first to suggest an impromptu skinny dipping expedition...always making art and writing poetry, always the emotion one. I love these things about myself. These are reasons my friends and family love me.
I remember, in high school, sneaking out of my room at night ( not to meet a boy) but to run barefoot in the field across the road and sing song at the top of my lungs to God.
I've always felt very alive, always been very joyful and happy.

With these good qualities, come some very hard and hurtful things about me. I get upset very easily, I don't like criticism, one small thing can send me into the "depths of despair" (as Anne of Green Gables would say).

I've always been called a drama queen, an attention seeker, an all or nothing girl.
My mother used to whisper in my ear several times every day, "Self control".
I never had any no matter how hard I tried.

Up until college, these things gave me minimal trouble and for the most part I was loving life despite many hard circumstances.

I don't know when the downward spiral started. I sometimes think it was when I started on birth control a few months before my wedding, other times I think it was the marriage itself. The fact that I was suddenly with someone 24/7 and could not hide any of me.

Either way, just a few months into our marriage, I started having a few break downs here and there. It would start with a small comment and in no time I was hysterical crying on the floor. Several hours later, the fight would be over and I would feel normal. I would want to hold hands and talk to Noah. I would want to go on as if nothing had happened. I remember the first time I had one of these break downs. We were getting ready to fly to Boston for a friend's wedding. I was packing and I honestly do not remember what started it. I do remember the look on Noah's face as I barraged him with insults and accusations. I remember it as if I was flying above our bodies and watching from afar. I remember the hurt on his face and the confusion when I "came back down".

Our first year of marriage was probably your typical first year, in many ways. Lots of adjusting and learning, not necessarily anything out of the ordinary. I thought these fights we were having were the normal..."Marriage takes work."

Despite the "break downs", Noah and I had a year full of absolute blissful moments. There were times I was so happy I felt like I would burst. These moments were much more often then not.

to be continued...


  1. I like to read about your real life, not just the fun recipes and photos.
    And don't feel too alone. Brent and I's first year of marriage was a total disaster! The 2nd year was rough too :-/ but we're still working at it as we're coming up on year 4 I still love him and he still loves me. (we just don't tell alot of people how hard it is because "its no one's business")
    and it's hard to realize what real life is... I remember being so hyper and carefree and loud as a teenager (and kid) and then waking up one day and worrying about the morgatge and the electric bill and how we were going to buy groceries... and mostly it was hard when I had to worry about the needs and desires of people other than me on a constant basis (husband & babies). It's so different and so not fun at times. There's days I need to give Raziel a bottle because he's crying in the morning but I don't want to get out of bed because the floor is cold. Its so selfish but I still struggle to make myself get up.
    I guess that's why all the old people told us to take our time growing up and why I now tell Alina she's growing up too fast and to slow down.... its a crazy cycle and I'm watching Alina be a carefree, loud, entergetic person and realizing that one day she'll need to learn to be responsible and that I hope it's not as hard on her as it was on me.
    I love you. Call me if you want to talk sometime.

  2. I think you're quite courageous to write about this in such an honest and candid way.

  3. I applaud you for writing your story. I am the mother of an 11 year old daughter with a mood disorder. Its been a hard road, but you have given me hope for her future!

  4. Thanks for sharing your story - I'm going to read the rest of it now! I really appreciate your willingness to be open and honest and let God use your story to minister to others.

  5. I'm glad I read your story. I'm a fourth grade teacher, and one of my students suffers from bipolar disorder. He has good days and bad days. I just never know what to expect. I have no formal training on how to deal with this, so any suggestions would be welcomed. My e-mail address is May God's blessings be upon you and your family.

  6. One of my husband's aunts lived with bipolar disorder for over 30 years. Thank you so much for sharing your story -- so many people don't know anything about it, and the courage it takes to stay on medications, try new ones, and make adjustments over time. God bless you as you make those decisions, and parent your sweet baby!


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