Today was TERRIBLE.
Barclay started crying at about 4 am this morning and basically just stopped. And if he wasn't crying he was clawing and biting at my face, hands, nipples, whatever he could find.
Car rides didn't put him to sleep, crying it out didn't put him to sleep, walking fast with him in the front carrier didn't put him to sleep. I let him basically cry for 1 1/2 hours, with small breaks of check on him, and he only napped for 15 minutes after that.
He was so horse from crying so much tonight that when he breathed in he was weezing and making this awful noise.
I almost took him to the ER because it sounded like he was dry drowning or that his airways were closing up.
But, I have no trust in doctors anymore and no trust in myself.
He is now asleep, I've checked on him about 10 times and now I'm looking back over my day.
It was just really awful. I hate days like this.
Everything goes wrong. It rained, it poured. I was in and out of stores doing errands I've put off. I felt alone all day. I was rushed, what little housecleaning I did, seemed like it didn't even put a dent in things. I was rushed, I was hot, I didn't have time to shower, nothing I wanted to get done got done, nothing. I am just always in a rush, barley getting anything done. And everything just gets messed up while I try.
By the end of the day, I was just yelling over Barclay's screams begging him to be quiet. I hate that I did that. I know he can't help it but I was just so TIRED of having to listen to non stop crying. I know it's probably just a small relapse on the road to recovery for him, but it was rough. Yesterday was just such a good day. And the night before was pretty much better than I could have ever imagined. Only to get to today and go backwards again. Back into that dark woods that I thought I'd escaped.
I'm also really discouraged with my business I'm the kind of person that wants to be the best at what I do.
But more and more I feel smothered with how many phenominal photographers there are out there. They are constantly coming up with new ideas, new techniques. I feel stagnant. Although I get inspired so much by the people I work for, I'm never just itching to do buy the next product, or do what everyone else is doing. I'm realizing that maybe I am not cut out to compete for the whole rest of my life to be at the top of the pack. The all or nothing person in me, makes me think my only other option is to not do it anymore. But I just can't not do photography. I feel like everyone's already done it all. There is nothing new to be "created" in a photo.
I want to be better. I am getting better, but I'm also so tired, I don't feel like I have the energy to put into it.
I'm not going to lie, tonight I felt totally depressed. I just sat on the couch and cried while I watched emotional dancing on So You Think You Can Dance. I just felt sorry for myself.
I'm praying that tomorrow will be good, because I don't think I can handle another set back. God does know what I can handle though, and he promises never to go beyond that.