A Welcome Sign of Home

When I was 7 years old, my family moved to The Canary Islands for almost a year while my Dad built a dome over there. We were on the beautiful Island of Tenerife with crystal clear water, white sand, topless people...well that's another story.

Anyhow, it was a beautiful place, but no one spoke English and no one was friendly. We tried to learn the language which was a mix of Spanish and Africans. But everyone laughed at us. Even though it was an exciting time, it was also a lonely time. I can't imagine how my mother made it! At least I had 3 sisters to keep me occupied.

It was July 4th over there an we were sad because no one else was celebrating it over there. So we dressed up in red white and blue, said our pledges of allegiance and took a picnic on the road. We drove until we came to a cliff that overlooked the ocean. We unpacked our picnic and ate it as we watched the sun go down. Right when we were getting ready to leave, the sky broke out in THE BEST FIREWORKS I'VE EVER SEEN! It was amazing! We had no clue why they were there because no one had even mentioned America's Independence day, but they were and it just brought such a sense of home to a poor, lonely little family in an unfriendly place.

A Funk

I've been in a real funk lately.

I don't want to cook.

I don't want to answer my cell phone.

I don't want to move.

I don't want to make decisions.

I don't want to clean.

I don't want to shop.

I don't want to blog.

I don't want to sleep.

I don't want to wear clothes.

I don't want to talk.

I don't want to think.

I don't want to be inside.

I don't want to be outside.

I don't want to drive.

I don't want to pay bills.

I don't want to check them mail because of more bills.

I don't want to watch movies.

I can't figure out anything that I want to do. It all seems like too much trouble.

I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed and I feel like if I do one thing, the world will crash down on me.

I just figured out one thing that I would like to do...live underwater.

Worshipping Him

As a new mom, a working from my home mom, and most of all, a mom to a fussy fussy baby boy. My time is not only limited, it is STRESSFUL. I feel like even when the baby isn't crying, a baby in my head is crying. I never feel like a have a moment to spare.

I've never been the kind of person to do a regular devotion time every day. I KNOW how important it is to be in the Word, but to me, I do it out of guilt, not passion and that really bothers me. There have been a few times where I have not been able to put the Bible down because I feel like it is alive and full of wisdom. I haven't had one of those moments in a long time.

I know also that sometimes, well actually a lot of times, you just have do to things you don't like to do or feel like doing.

I always had a lot of guilt surrounding me in regards to my Faith and also my daily walk with Christ. I wasn't doing it enough, or my heart wasn't right, or maybe I just flat out dreaded it.

A couple of years ago I let it go and felt freed by the fact that God doesn't base his love for me on my actions (PRAISE HIM!). Since then I think I've enjoyed too much freedom and barely done a daily quiet time since.

I am coming to realize how much it means to the Lord when I choose to spend quality time with him. But as I started this post out, I don't feel like I have the time.

Not to mention I feel WORN DOWN and pretty much like I'm hanging on to one last shred of life. I'm so tired and so discouraged and so frustrated.

These are three things that have really lifted me up lately:

1.PRAYER- I've said it before, but I'm not really that into prayer. I get so distracted and I don't feel like I do it very consistently. I hate feeling like I only pray when something goes wrong. I also hate it when I tell people, "I'll pray for you" and forget about it. I've really stopped telling people that.

I am also and skeptical how so many people who tell me they pray for me, really do pray for me. Not that I'm judging, but I just know how I am.

I hate not being 100%. I hate not being able to pray for it all and praise for it all.

But I realized that I can pray when I think about things. So if someone asks for prayer, I have started praying right then for it silently. Then every time I think of it, I "think" a prayer. Also, if I'm doing something and want to praise the Lord, I just do it then.

What a burden it has lifted off of me and what a difference to constantly be in communion with the Lord. I no longer feel the burden of having a "prayer time"-which could last hours for my 100% self.

2.Christian Music-

Because Barclay is constantly crying...at least is seems. I no longer like listening to music in the car. I love listening to nothing. Popular songs and songs that I usually enjoy...just grate on my nerves. I hate to say it, but I think the Christian Radio Station here is just sad. YES they have good programs and YES they have good songs, but there is no variety to it. I'm sure to hear the same songs over and over. Once in a while when I'm just barley making it, I'll turn on the Radio and a song that hits my heart is playing. I get so much encouragement from it. I have also started listening to Pandora on my phone. I have a station for Christian songs and have found my spirits being so uplifted by the words to many many songs that I have never heard.

3-Children's Bible

I've really been trying to read Barclay a chapter out of this Children's Bible every night. Our friends JD and Annie gave it to us before Barclay was born and let me tell you. This Bible should be read by all. It is simple. clear. and relates EVERY story in the Bible to the big picture...which is Salvation through Christ. Just in that 10 minutes that I read this to him, I feel God speaking straight to my heart and using his word (in a simple simple form) to spark a passion in my heart.

I'm being serious when I say, you should get a copy for yourself.

Something that I really want to get back into is dancing. I love to dance. Always have. The closest I feel to God is when I hear a song about Him and I just can't help but dance to it. It gets in my soul and I can't express what I feel except through very meaningful movement. I used to do it all the time to my first Third Day album. I would find myself crying as I danced because the words were hitting home so much. I've decided that in addition to needing a little more exercise, I want to start dancing more because I want to worship the Lord.

I'm just so thankful that God cares enough about this tired, worn out, mommy enough to reach my heart in ways that are simple and frequent.

Nursing

I did a photo shoot recently and we did it on a farm. These little guys were just 2 days old. I couldn't help buy identify with that mama pig just a little bit:-)

I just have to do a post about nursing again. I did one early on in Barclay's life here, but it has changed so much and I just have to put it into words.

I think nursing is in my top 3 wonderful things about being a mom so far. Of course I do it all day every day, all night every night, so I better enjoy it! But for real, it is the most tender and sweet thing. I treasure it almost every time (excluding awkward times when I'm hot and in public and trying to not flash the world:-)

About a month ago, Barclay started rubbing me. His sweet, soft hand just goes back and forth over my chest. It is SO sweet! I hope he never stops doing that! OK. That would be ridiculous, but I guess I'm saying...I'll cry when he stops doing it.

It's gotten to the point where I can't really talk that much while nursing. He comes off very frequently just to look up at me and smile or even give a little giggle. It's like, "Wait, I don't want to miss anything!"

He has started making different sounds than he used to. He now sighs in ecstasy and almost gets breathless sometimes because he's so excited. He is usually very aware when nursing and is always looking around. Whenever he's tired, his eyes will droop and droop and droop and roll back in his head. It is just adorable!

Nursing has been one of my greatest joys these past 5 months. Almost a light in a dark world of pain, crying, and frustration. It's a time when the world stops and I get to enjoy my sweet baby and give him at least 10 or more minutes of comfort. Although I think it comforts me just as much.

Full Circle Moments

OK. It's midnight and I cannot sleep. I've been trying for hours and I cannot sleep. I just picked my crying baby out of the crib (very gladly) and had a sweet time nursing him and just covering him in prayers for tomorrow.

I figured that instead of laying in bed and think of all the things that could go wrong...I would do a little post that I've been wanting to do for a couple of weeks.

So here goes...

Lately I have had so many "full circle moments".

The first being when I took my son Barclay for his first swim at the Bonclarken pool. It was the most out of body experience I've ever had. I think some of my earliest memories have to have been at this pool. I swam the entire length of it at 4 years old and was able to swim in the deep end. I met my husband here. I've just spent some of my happiest summers in this pool.

I remember the excitement of getting ready to go to the pool. It seemed like it took forever to get all my sisters into the car, put on sunscreen, wait for the sunscreen to dry (worst part), and drive on over to the pool.

It was so crazy to go to the pool with my son. I was the one putting on his sunscreen. I was the one making sure he was safe and happy. I was the Mom.

I was shaking as I showed up and saw other Mom's lined up under the new canopy (which by the way, last year made no sense to me...but with my new "mom eyes" I saw a respite from the sun, a very welcome place). I couldn't believe that I belonged there with other Mom's of all ages. I couldn't quite get over that just a few years ago (it seems) I was with my mom and was one of the children.

The craziest thing is that my Mom showed up (with her 5 year old twins...yes my Mom has 5 year old twins!). All of a sudden I was in a category that included my own mother.

The weirdest thing was that I ended up in the baby pool with two of my friends and their babies. I looked over the fence to the "other side". I saw my mom watching me and being the totally empathetic, emotional person I am...I FELT her "mourning". I could feel it in her eyes. It was like she was watching a ship sail off into the horizon, knowing she'll never sail on it again. It was so weird to watch her, watch me (her baby) in a place that she was...and actually still is. She even said to us, "I guess that's where all the new mom's hang out. The old Mom's hang out on this side." *Mom, if you're reading this, I don't mean to read your mind, but this is what I was feeling that you might be feeling.

I must say, again. I've always wanted to be a mom. It's just been my goal in life. I am still figuring out how to fit in with other moms. I feel like an intruder, or a spy. I feel like I don't belong...yet. It's getting there.

Another full circle moment I've had was last night. Noah, Barclay and I headed to Charlotte, NC to celebrate my friend Aurora's birthday. We ate at PF Changs which is beyond delicious! It was so weird to sit there with them. Aurora and her husband Spencer were are first "couple friends". We lived in the same apartment complex together. Our bathrooms shared one thin wall and we could pretty much hear every part of each other's daily lives. We became very close to them and spent many double date nights together.

One date night in particular was one of my favorite memories. We were POOR. I mean, we literally had no money. Either of us. We wanted SO much to go to the movies with our husbands and to go to MOES for dinner. So Aurora was very resourceful and we decided we would sell cookies in the college dorms. I made the cookies. We then purchased a gallon of milk at the dollar general. We knocked on every door in one dorm selling cookies and a glass of milk. We made enough money to buy four Moo Moo Mister Cow Burritos and 4 matinee tickets...with coins of course. It was such a fun date. We were young and free and had a wonderful time together.

Here we were four years later, and we had two precious babies joining our group. Cameron is 15 months old and SUCH a cutie, and little Barclay...her future husband:-)

So we had a nice dinner, complete with Aurora and I rocking our babies on our hips in the middle of the restaurant to keep them quiet. After eating, we rushed off to the mall for 15 minutes of shopping-since Aurora and I LOVE to shop together and haven't for almost a year:-( We of course found deals in that 15 minutes... Then we sat outside the mall in the warm summer air, watching the teenagers skateboard by while texting...and we talked about how full circle we have come.

It's truly a blessing to have friends who stick by you through the circle. We had just as much fun-or more last night than we ever have.

Just some rambling stories that I had to share:-)

Tough Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow is going to be a really tough day for me. I get all teary eyed when I think about it. I have to wake up by 4:30, drive to Asheville in time for 6am. They will take Barclay back, we'll put a little hospital gown on him, then they put an IV in and put him to sleep. Then they take him AWAY FROM ME! The are just doing and Endoscopy, which is a camera down the throat, into the stomach, and into the small intestines. It's not serious, BUT to me, putting a baby to sleep seems pretty serious to me.

My mind is racing...

What if he reacts to the anesthesia and I'm not there to...to...well I guess my presence would not help in a life threatening circumstance.

What if he wakes up and he can't find me...what if it hurts...

All these things just bring tears to my eyes. And the thought of my full of life, bouncing baby boy drugged up and put to sleep just makes me want to throw up.

He'll be away from me for about an hour. That is going to be a very hard hour. I must admit, I'm not a long winded prayer. I just get distracted after pretty much the first five minutes. But I cannot imagine doing anything else but being on my knees in prayer for my baby.

I KNOW this is what needs to happen, this is what I've been fighting for. I want to know what's wrong so I know how we can go about fixing it and becoming pain free. But it doesn't make this experience any easier.

I know I'm being melodramatic, but this procedure tomorrow really makes me feel like, if anything were to ever happen to Barclay, I feel I would die. I really feel like I would loose the ability to breath or function.

I know God is in control. I know my life is not based on one little life but on God and His perfect plan. But my goodness, the love I have for him is just enormous.

If you think about it tonight, please pray for Barclay and the doctors that:

1.They will find what is causing the pain.

2.It will be quick and painless.

3.That Noah and I (and the Grandparents) will have peace and be calm.

4.That Barclay will not scream for the 7 hours he has to be without food.

5.That they will give us the results quickly and we can go about figuring out how to get Barclay pain free.

Thank you. SO many people pray for us and for Barclay and I just feel covered in prayer by all our friends and family. I can't even thank ya'll enough.

I also want to say how thankful I am that Barclay is, other than this stomach pain, a healthy baby. In going to ALL these doctors appointments, hospital tests, children's clinic appointments, I have seen so many children who are so sick. Children who may not ever be able to be normal and have a healthy life. My heart aches for those parents and the pain they must feel every day for their children.

My Bedroom

It's Show Us Where You Live Friday!

Welcome to my bedroom:-)
I actually did a post about this right before Kelly started Show Us Where You Live Fridays. I don't want to be monotonous...or clean again:-) So here are the links to see it:
BEFORE/aka disaster area (scroll down a little bit to see the bedroom part)

After