I'm Scared

I'm scared.

Because I looked at Barclay today and he didn't look like a baby anymore:-(

I have tried to savor every moment like everyone keeps warning me. And I have. But time doesn't stop. I don't think I could have treasured his newborn months any more than I did, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with how much he's grown up.

Today he started scooching. I left him for less than 5 minutes on a quilt in the living room and when I came back he was under the coffee table.

I'm scared to even sleep lest I miss a moment.

The love I have for him is welling up in me more and more every day. I know in public I look like a love sick puppy. And that's OK with me!

Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk

This morning I took Barclay to the hospital one last time for testing on his tummy. I needed to bring a bottle of breast milk so they could put some stuff in it to track how he digested. I was way too tired last night and this morning to pump, so I did what every multitasking mom would do...I pumped on my drive up to Asheville. SO dangerous and so scandalous. I couldn't really cover very well and also couldn't do my blinker very well. I did, however, get it done:-)

They used most of the milk, but I did have about 2 oz left over. I know it's not a lot but that stuff is GOLD to me. So I carried it downstairs with me to the cafeteria in hopes that I would find a way to save it till I could get home.

Since I had an hour before he had to have his second scan, I got some coffee and grits at the cafeteria. I could not, for the life of me, find the cream for my coffee, so I sat down and tried to drink it with just sugar. Yuck. Then I noticed something...a coincidence?

This is what I saw...

Don't worry! I did not do what you think I did. Although I was very tempted!

I ended up giving the bus boy that cleans the trays a nice different surprise by sending down the assembly line...

I do have to tell the story of my mother, and if you are a friend of mine, you've probably already heard it...a couple hundred times. But I just have to share it on my blog.

When my mother was breast feeding me, she pumped some milk and stuck it in the fridge where we were staying at my Dad's parents house. One morning she woke up to the whole extended family eating french toast in the dining room. My mother went to the fridge to find the milk...and it was no where to be found.

"Mother (she said this to my Grandmother), where is my milk?"

My Grandmother giggled and pointed to the dining room. "I ran out so I used it to make French Toast for the family. Look how much they are enjoying it!"

And indeed they were...

My poor mom was horrified!

BUT it makes a great shocking story to tell:-)

Thrifty Finds:-)

This past week, I stopped into our local Salvation Army to Browse around and came out with some great finds.

I bought this handmade iron candle stick holder for 75 cents! I think it'll look great with some green tapered candles!

I found this beautiful milk glass bud vase for 50 cents. It's so creamy and I actually only have 1 other bud vase.

I found these awesome iron keys for $1! I love them and have "collected" a couple of key related things. These are pretty big too.

To show you their actual size, I put it next to the nearest thing to me...my deodorant. So they are nice and big. I think I'm going to hang them next to my front door.

My Grandmother used to wear these types of combs in her hair all the time. They are the essence of femininity to me. I just got my hair cut short, so I think I'll wear it once in a while. It was only 25 cents.

Picture frames are usually overpriced at Goodwill in my opinion. I saw this precious little frame for 50 cents! it was beautiful white, needed no painting. Just another ribbon. I thought the pink ribbon was a little cheap and dirty looking.

I think it looks so good! I love the pop of color on the frame!

And the best find, in my opinion:-)

I was browsing Craigslist and saw these brand new, never opened Robeez leather shoes. In a boutique near my house, they go for $30! I got them for 5 and they fit my baby perfectly! I'm definitely going to have to do a photo shoot with them on.

Yay for good deals!

Visit Rhoda over at Southern Hospitality to see everyone else's great deals for the week!

A Welcome Sign of Home

When I was 7 years old, my family moved to The Canary Islands for almost a year while my Dad built a dome over there. We were on the beautiful Island of Tenerife with crystal clear water, white sand, topless people...well that's another story.

Anyhow, it was a beautiful place, but no one spoke English and no one was friendly. We tried to learn the language which was a mix of Spanish and Africans. But everyone laughed at us. Even though it was an exciting time, it was also a lonely time. I can't imagine how my mother made it! At least I had 3 sisters to keep me occupied.

It was July 4th over there an we were sad because no one else was celebrating it over there. So we dressed up in red white and blue, said our pledges of allegiance and took a picnic on the road. We drove until we came to a cliff that overlooked the ocean. We unpacked our picnic and ate it as we watched the sun go down. Right when we were getting ready to leave, the sky broke out in THE BEST FIREWORKS I'VE EVER SEEN! It was amazing! We had no clue why they were there because no one had even mentioned America's Independence day, but they were and it just brought such a sense of home to a poor, lonely little family in an unfriendly place.

A Funk

I've been in a real funk lately.

I don't want to cook.

I don't want to answer my cell phone.

I don't want to move.

I don't want to make decisions.

I don't want to clean.

I don't want to shop.

I don't want to blog.

I don't want to sleep.

I don't want to wear clothes.

I don't want to talk.

I don't want to think.

I don't want to be inside.

I don't want to be outside.

I don't want to drive.

I don't want to pay bills.

I don't want to check them mail because of more bills.

I don't want to watch movies.

I can't figure out anything that I want to do. It all seems like too much trouble.

I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed and I feel like if I do one thing, the world will crash down on me.

I just figured out one thing that I would like to do...live underwater.

Worshipping Him

As a new mom, a working from my home mom, and most of all, a mom to a fussy fussy baby boy. My time is not only limited, it is STRESSFUL. I feel like even when the baby isn't crying, a baby in my head is crying. I never feel like a have a moment to spare.

I've never been the kind of person to do a regular devotion time every day. I KNOW how important it is to be in the Word, but to me, I do it out of guilt, not passion and that really bothers me. There have been a few times where I have not been able to put the Bible down because I feel like it is alive and full of wisdom. I haven't had one of those moments in a long time.

I know also that sometimes, well actually a lot of times, you just have do to things you don't like to do or feel like doing.

I always had a lot of guilt surrounding me in regards to my Faith and also my daily walk with Christ. I wasn't doing it enough, or my heart wasn't right, or maybe I just flat out dreaded it.

A couple of years ago I let it go and felt freed by the fact that God doesn't base his love for me on my actions (PRAISE HIM!). Since then I think I've enjoyed too much freedom and barely done a daily quiet time since.

I am coming to realize how much it means to the Lord when I choose to spend quality time with him. But as I started this post out, I don't feel like I have the time.

Not to mention I feel WORN DOWN and pretty much like I'm hanging on to one last shred of life. I'm so tired and so discouraged and so frustrated.

These are three things that have really lifted me up lately:

1.PRAYER- I've said it before, but I'm not really that into prayer. I get so distracted and I don't feel like I do it very consistently. I hate feeling like I only pray when something goes wrong. I also hate it when I tell people, "I'll pray for you" and forget about it. I've really stopped telling people that.

I am also and skeptical how so many people who tell me they pray for me, really do pray for me. Not that I'm judging, but I just know how I am.

I hate not being 100%. I hate not being able to pray for it all and praise for it all.

But I realized that I can pray when I think about things. So if someone asks for prayer, I have started praying right then for it silently. Then every time I think of it, I "think" a prayer. Also, if I'm doing something and want to praise the Lord, I just do it then.

What a burden it has lifted off of me and what a difference to constantly be in communion with the Lord. I no longer feel the burden of having a "prayer time"-which could last hours for my 100% self.

2.Christian Music-

Because Barclay is constantly crying...at least is seems. I no longer like listening to music in the car. I love listening to nothing. Popular songs and songs that I usually enjoy...just grate on my nerves. I hate to say it, but I think the Christian Radio Station here is just sad. YES they have good programs and YES they have good songs, but there is no variety to it. I'm sure to hear the same songs over and over. Once in a while when I'm just barley making it, I'll turn on the Radio and a song that hits my heart is playing. I get so much encouragement from it. I have also started listening to Pandora on my phone. I have a station for Christian songs and have found my spirits being so uplifted by the words to many many songs that I have never heard.

3-Children's Bible

I've really been trying to read Barclay a chapter out of this Children's Bible every night. Our friends JD and Annie gave it to us before Barclay was born and let me tell you. This Bible should be read by all. It is simple. clear. and relates EVERY story in the Bible to the big picture...which is Salvation through Christ. Just in that 10 minutes that I read this to him, I feel God speaking straight to my heart and using his word (in a simple simple form) to spark a passion in my heart.

I'm being serious when I say, you should get a copy for yourself.

Something that I really want to get back into is dancing. I love to dance. Always have. The closest I feel to God is when I hear a song about Him and I just can't help but dance to it. It gets in my soul and I can't express what I feel except through very meaningful movement. I used to do it all the time to my first Third Day album. I would find myself crying as I danced because the words were hitting home so much. I've decided that in addition to needing a little more exercise, I want to start dancing more because I want to worship the Lord.

I'm just so thankful that God cares enough about this tired, worn out, mommy enough to reach my heart in ways that are simple and frequent.

Nursing

I did a photo shoot recently and we did it on a farm. These little guys were just 2 days old. I couldn't help buy identify with that mama pig just a little bit:-)

I just have to do a post about nursing again. I did one early on in Barclay's life here, but it has changed so much and I just have to put it into words.

I think nursing is in my top 3 wonderful things about being a mom so far. Of course I do it all day every day, all night every night, so I better enjoy it! But for real, it is the most tender and sweet thing. I treasure it almost every time (excluding awkward times when I'm hot and in public and trying to not flash the world:-)

About a month ago, Barclay started rubbing me. His sweet, soft hand just goes back and forth over my chest. It is SO sweet! I hope he never stops doing that! OK. That would be ridiculous, but I guess I'm saying...I'll cry when he stops doing it.

It's gotten to the point where I can't really talk that much while nursing. He comes off very frequently just to look up at me and smile or even give a little giggle. It's like, "Wait, I don't want to miss anything!"

He has started making different sounds than he used to. He now sighs in ecstasy and almost gets breathless sometimes because he's so excited. He is usually very aware when nursing and is always looking around. Whenever he's tired, his eyes will droop and droop and droop and roll back in his head. It is just adorable!

Nursing has been one of my greatest joys these past 5 months. Almost a light in a dark world of pain, crying, and frustration. It's a time when the world stops and I get to enjoy my sweet baby and give him at least 10 or more minutes of comfort. Although I think it comforts me just as much.