Balance

It's been a discouraging couple of days.

If I have learned anything from being a mother it is that, somedays, no matter how motivated and productive you WANT to be, your little ones may have different ideas and that is that. Forget it.

Last week was wonderful, I had gotten the house in order and I felt so much freedom! I noticed a huge difference in my husband's attitude towards me. I had more time to play and blog and do other things I wanted to do.

Then the weekend came and Sullivan started being really fussy (like waking up every 10 or so minutes throughout the day and night) and my house is filthy and I'm beyond achy and tired and Barclay has watch 4 shows on Netflix already, because I have to finish editing some pictures.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting every single bite during every meal with Barclay. I'm tired of every time the baby falls asleep, Barclay falling down and sobbing for 5 minutes, and when that sobbing is over, the baby waking up. I know it's selfish, but I'm tired of these babies getting in my way of being productive.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never ever accomplish everything I want to in one day. Yesterday I excercised and edited but I wasn't able to really play with Barclay and I didn't read my Bible and I didn't clean. I cooked but I had zero energy or patience with my husband. I took a meal to a friend (which I LOVE doing) but I didn't brush Barclay's teeth last night. It just seems I should try to do all of these daily things in the space of 3 days, because there simply isn't enough time.

I'm really really trying to loose some weight. Not a diet but I am doing weight watchers (my skin cringes when I say that for some reason). I have come out of both pregnancies weighing about 8 lbs less than my prepregnancy weight. This is due to the fact that I throw up almost every day of the entire pregnancy. But as soon as the baby is born I become this ravenous beast. Breastfeeding plus the fact that food stays down makes me feel like I can eat and need to eat every single thing I see, and a lot of it. But I desperately want to focus on my body and be healthy. I feel like I've really beat it up the past three years. I want to feel attractive and proud. I just want to get back down to a size 10 (because all my favorite clothes are that size). I'm probably a 12/14 now so it's not a lot. Every single day I am tempted to quit, because there seems to be sooo many other things I need to focus on. But I am pressing on. I am determined to have a little bit of self control. I like weight watchers because it isn't drastic. I am able to eat salad for dinner if I know I am going to a party and might want to partake of some goodies. It's about portion control and really for me, self control. Don't worry, it has alloted me an extra 15 points because I am breastfeeding. I think they should have a box you can check entitled, "Are you breastfeeding a 16 pound two month old who likes to eat every hour and eats like a pig?" Ha!

So I just feel overwhelmed with all the daily stuff I need and want to do. With the trying to be healthy, with the maintaining of my marriage when at the end of the day, all I want to do is crumple into a ball in front of the TV and escape. I want to be a more imaginative mom and teach my little Barclay all kinds of wonderful things. I want to hold my baby who is growing a pound a week, and love on him instead of try to just get him content enough that I can do something else. I feel like the worst friend in the world to all my wonderful friends. I take like 6 days to return calls and texts, I never check up on them...

But there are only 24 hours in a day, and I'd LIKE to sleep at least 7 of them.