I just feel like Noah and I are in a funk. I do my thing with the kids all day. He does his thing at work. We meet around five...he takes Barclay to the park, I cook and feed the baby...we eat and bide the time till we put Barclay down...then we are both exhausted. He makes phone calls, I want to read status updates of Facebook...then it's time to do it again.
We've been dealing with some very sad, sad things with my sister (who is due today with her little girl) and her marriage ending. It's a non stop, roller coaster of emotions, and it's been going on for 9 months. Sometimes I feel like we pour ourselves into fixing that more than our own marriage.
At times in our marriage, I've been able to see the bigger picture and just enjoy wonderful times of pure happiness. I've been able to see how hard work is worth it. But there are other times...aka...right now that I feel like we're trudging through an endless amount of molasses. It's hard, and you feel like it's never going to end.
I've realized a lot today how MUCH I want to change things about Noah. There are certain things that for our entire 6 year marriage, I've wanted to change about him. And despite hundreds of hours of marriage counseling and work work working on it, they aren't gone. They are still issues.
AND I realize there are certain things about me that Noah would give anything to change...aka...the way I hurriedly do things and break things...the fact that I put CLEAN laundry on the floor, the fact that I would rather decorate our home than clean it...the way I cook and make the biggest messes. These are things I want to change about MYSELF! I try and try and try...but in 6 years I feel like I've just made a drop of water in the ocean of progress. How frustrating! How discouraging. And it just feels like for the next 50 years of marriage every single day will be the same.
Just being honest about how I'm feeling right now about marriage.
I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. . . My friend prayed on my wedding day that the Holy Spirit would help me in my marriage since it was the hardest thing I would ever do.
ReplyDeleteI pray the same for you- that you not lose sight that it's not just you and Noah in your marriage. God comes right alongside you and makes up where you and Noah are lacking. Marriage is an extension of your relationship to Christ and God uses your marriage to sanctify you in him, like refining gold.
Hey. I just kind of stumbled across your blog today.
ReplyDeleteI'm not married, or in a relationship. But wanting to change your significant other and yourself are not things that are exclusive to marriage. And I know that you and I are strangers, but I hope I can offer a helpful piece of advice.
"the fact that I put CLEAN laundry on the floor, the fact that I would rather decorate our home than clean it...the way I cook and make the biggest messes. These are things I want to change about MYSELF!"
Do you want to change these things about yourself because YOU want to change them? Or because HE wants to change them about you? Don't fall into this pit. I've been there. It's not a fun place.
The things you listed above sound like personality quirks, more than deep-rooted faults that aren't okay to have, like being a mean-spirited person. (I don't get this vibe from you, by the way.) Personality quirks like the fact that I can't manage to keep my apartment clean for more than a day.
I realize that little things can add up to a big thing. But that's only if you let them. These little things you want to change don't change the fact that you love him, do they? That's the most important part.
Love Sarah's comment. Wanted to add, as well, that you have a lot going on right now in both of your lives, on top of a new house and a new baby, and that will add stress to any relationship! Let the hard times drive you together and towards Christ. And just persevere. "Do not grow weary of doing good, for at the proper time you will reap your reward." God is faithful. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteMarriage is so hard!! I am sorry this is happening but remember there are lows and highs of relationships, this too shall pass!
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