23 Weeks Pregnant

23 Weeks

Dear Sullivan,

This week has been so fun! You have rolled and kicked so much and I just love every minute of it! I can feel little parts of you like your head, your feet, or your bum.

I guess most importantly, we had an ultrasound this week to check up on some cysts that they saw in your brain last ultrasound. Thankfully they had disappeared and they did an extensive ultrasound (almost an hour!) to check every part of you to make sure you didn't have any markers for Trisomy 18 or Downs Syndrome. I didn't realize how serious it was until we got to the appointment and had to meet with a genetics counselor and have this long ultrasound. They were worried for a brief little bit because you wouldn't open your hands to them, and they were hoping they weren't club hands. But you love sucking your whole fist that it took a lot of tossing and turning on my part to get you to unclench you fist and show us all your beautiful, perfect fingers. I was so relieved to find out that you were perfectly healthy and the 1 hour of watching you was the biggest treat! At one point you kissed the screen:-)

There have been so many sad things happen this week to people I love. It's been a hard week. But you my little dear, have brought me so much joy throughout my day.

This week was the week I was expecting twins. As sad as loosing them was, I wouldn't have you if things had gone my way, and I know that you are a blessing to me from the Lord.

I love you sweet pea!

Mama

If everything had gone my way...

...today I would have been delivering twins into the world. I was dreading this day for a long time, as every week my notations in my planner clearly reminded me of the week that I wasn't in my pregnancy. Today it says, "Due Date:-) 40 Weeks!!!"

But the day is here, and all I can do is praise the Lord for His blessings to me. It is really hard to be sad when I have precious Henry Sullivan kicking away inside of me. Reminding me every couple minutes that he's there. And if everything had gone my way, he wouldn't, couldn't be there. So my pain has been turned to joy.

22 Weeks

I am falling behind in the picture documentation of my growing belly. But it's definitely growing!

Next week maybe...

Sullivan,

I am in the honeymoon stage of pregnancy right now. My nausea is really lessened to once or twice a day and I have a little more motivation and energy. For a few weeks there I was having very intense headaches and back aches from lifting Barclay but Noah had this wonderful massage therapist come to our house and she worked on me for 2 hours. Since that day my backaches have almost been non existent and I have had very few head aches. Praise the Lord!

You move so much! Probably 3 times as much as Barclay did. I LOVE it so much. Every single kick and roll gets me so tickled! It never gets old. A few kicks lately have me yelping in public with surprise! I only wish I had time to lay in bed for hours and think about you.

My mind is completely overtaken with thoughts of you and Barclay playing together. My two boys...:-)

This week it has really hit me that you aren't just a pregnancy. You are a person, with a soul, who will be here in a few short months to stay! As much as I long to hold you, I have got to start getting my life, house, other son in order:-)

This week I have craved coffee, and chocolate milk in a big way. Probably making up for my months of not getting any calcium in my diet. I probably need to taper off on that though if I want to not gain a ridiculous amount of weight:-)

I have started getting some braxton hicks contractions already but they stop if I lay down so the midwives aren't worried.

Little Sullivan. I cannot stand it, I love you so much already.

Love,

Your Mama

Thank You

I cannot thank everyone enough for all the sweet comments, the advise, the commiserating from my last post. Every single one was like a hand grabbing down to save me from drowning.

You know how God promises never to give us more than we can bare? Well He kept is promise and the past two days have been delightful. Praise God! Because one more day of that craziness was more than I could bare.

I think the part that frustrates me is that I cannot make sense of it all. What is it that makes a child scream and cry for weeks at a time, but yet he can be perfectly precious and delightful the next.

A few things I'm learning through this is just more and more MY brokenness and depravity. I am so impatient and so quick to get angry. Patience has never ever been a virtue of mine. And every day that Barclay drives me nuts, I am forced to depend on the Lord's strength and not my own.

It's actually scary the thoughts I have during those terribly intense screaming fits. I consider myself a very attentive, loving mother. And if I can think violent thoughts (just being honest here), what about women who don't even want their children? Thankfully I am very good about putting Barclay in his crib and shutting the door when I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I don't want anyone to fear for Barclay's safety, I just wanted to openly admit how quickly my thoughts can turn from complete love for Barclay to rage.

It amazes me how God is refining me even in my daily grind of a life.

Dear World

Dear World,

Sometimes when I'm sitting in my house alone with this screaming child, I feel crazy and I feel very very alone. Sometimes just blogging or writing a facebook status helps, oddly.

My child will not stop screaming. I have spanked, given time outs, cried. Nothing works. It's like he's the toughest child ever and nothing phases him.

I feel like I'm about to go into labor because 6 times today I had to wrestle him for 10 minutes to get him in his car seat.

My breaking point was when he asked for cookies (animal crackers). I told him he had to eat a hot dog first. He threw that on the ground and started banging his head on the ground. Then I got him so Naked Juice (which is veggies and fruits). He looked up at me with hate in his eyes and deliberately poured it on our red recliner. Now he's in bed crying after a spanking.

I am so upset that I wanted to do something drastic. So I immediately went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of milk and put a bunch of ovaltine in it and chugged it.

Made me feel a little better...too bad it's my second glass of the day...

Seriously. I cannot do this anymore. But what do I do? I can't start over, I can't give him away...I feel like I am making zero headway.

Anyone have any tips I haven't heard of for disciplining a child this age?

If one person can just comment on this post with a simple "I'm sorry"...I think I wont feel so alone.

Thanks,

Drowning my sorrows in Chocolate Milk....

Oh Lord. I cannot do this anymore! I feel so unworthy and unprepared and just plain overwhelmed at being a mother right now. Please give we wisdom because I cannot do it on my own.

Barclay has seriously be crying for hours on end, every day for 3 weeks or so. I am worn to the bone, I feel like jumping off a bridge, and I don't know what to do.

Why? Why did I get "stuck" with the baby who cries all the time. Why did I get stuck with a baby who is hard to figure out? I am so tired of everyone basically telling me it's my fault. That he's this way because I'm not more strict with him. Or that the solution is to discipline him more. I feel like there is something a little more to all this than rebellion.

I just want to go to sleep at night knowing that I will have a good nights sleep. Instead I am constantly woken up at all hours, with a baby who cannot be comforted. I have let him scream himself silly for an hour to see if he could get himself to sleep, and yet here I am at 2:01 am and he is still at it.

I just want to fix it! I just want to make him feel better. I HATE not knowing what to do. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

Why is this so hard? How do people do it and make it look so easy?

I cannot do it anymore, so I need your strength, Lord.

I really feel like I'm drowning in pain. My physical pain from my back and migraines. And heart pain from so many people around me. Pain from watching Barclay in pain. It's just overwhelming. There are so many people hurting so deeply out there and I can't fix it.

Bliss

There are so many moments of pure bliss in my life.

Here are three of those moments that have happened since 5:30 this morning.

1.Barclay woke up early because he'd wet through his diaper. I changed him, got him a cup of almond milk and snuggled him up in the guest bedroom with me. He was crying and crying and I started faking crying to see if he'd stop. In the dark, his little chubby hands cupped my face and he gave me such a sweet kiss.

2.Barclay was "reading" Brown Bear Brown Bear to me. When we got to the cat he clearly looked up at me and said, "big purple cat". Then he grinned as big as he could.

3.I'm usually pretty pukey feeling in the mornings but since I had an especially early morning, by the time 8 am rolled around and Noah woke up, I felt up to making a big Sunday breakfast. Sitting around the table with my little family and laughing was just perfect. So was the little one kicking away inside of me.