Cutest Bum Around...

No, it's not me, it's Barclay:-)

I hope that this brightened your day!

Turkey Trauma!

Remembering Thanksgiving as a child, everything was perfect. Classical music drifted overhead, good smells and spices saturated the air, family. Perfect.

I cannot believe that TRAUMA my mother went through early every Thanksgiving that went unnoticed.

Two years ago, I did my first thanksgiving ever. I was so excited about...basically being my mother...cooking, making a warm home, serving everything in my new yellow apron.

No one prepared me for the turkey and how traumatic it was! Lord have mercy! I remember it was about six in the morning, and I was sitting on the floor, holding a raw turkey between my legs, I was crying and vomiting at the same time. I was screaming for Noah to heeeeeelp me, but help never came:-( I laughed this morning thinking back to that day. I WISH Noah had videoed it!

Tonight I had major turkey trauma again as I prepared for my second Thanksgiving. A violent, primal grunting and sobbing and freaking out overtakes me as I reached in the turkey's butt and retrieved its organs and NECK!:-( I seriously almost passed out. Why oh why do they put those things in its butt? Why not throw them out or keep two for the random two people who might actually eat them! I then realized that my huge 24 lb turkey was way too large for my pan, so I had to work up a ghetto set up for it to work involving crock pot bags.

The worst part of the experience (and I think it is because childbirth is still fresh in my mind). I felt like I completely violated that Turkey as I lifted it's leg and began to stuff it with veggies. That poor turkey was experiencing all the discomfort of labor and delivery with none of the great outcomes. Ok, I know the turkey was dead:-( (waaaaaaaaaaaa!) and wasn't aware of the awkwardness of the situation but it made me physically sick.

Boo on preparing the turkey.

Hopefully tomorrow my memory will be erased and I will be able to actually eat some along with the other delicious sides I have prepared and which didn't kill part of my soul in the process.

Thank you mother for all the mornings you woke up and went through all that so I could have turkey on Thanksgiving. Barclay, you may not be so lucky...

Soul Searching

This past month, I feel like I have done a lot of soul searching. Asking big questions about what the purpose of my life is, how to be better, how to have balance, who I want to surround myself with, etc.

I can in all honesty say that this past week has been one of the most content weeks of my life. Sure there were frustrations and sadness, but as a whole, I felt like this past week has been exactly what I've always wanted my life to be...normal.

Yesterday I made homemade minestrone soup. I cooked away, with my sweet baby playing on the floor. I folded laudry that consisted of Noah's big shirts and Barclay's tiny ones, I bathed and played and videoed. I shopped and nurtured. I scrubbed toilets and organized papers. All very normal things. But I cannot tell you the joy that I have doing them. I can't believe how the Lord has chosen to bless me so abundantly.

Tonight, I swayed in the nursery with a sweet little snuggly boy nestled in my neck. I prayed for him and hummed to him and I was hit that this is my life. The life I've always wanted. It is soooo not perfect, but it is such a blessing and I love every minute of it! Toilets and all!

I have taken a lover...

In all seriousness, I feel like I have.

I am in love with Reese's Puffs.

I'm so not the type to enjoy something this...unwholsome...but I cannot help myself. These with cold milk and I could die and go to heaven.

I was encouraged by the "Whole Grain" label on the front. Not that whole grain drowned in fake chocolate and peanut butter is ever healthy...but...

Seriously. Try it.

Love Letters

I just got done going through a stack of papers from one of my closets. In it I found beautiful, anniversary and birthday letters from Noah to me, and me to him. They were filled with hope, passion, humor, depth, encouragement...

And then I came upon several older letters that I had taken from my mom's house a year ago. They were love letters between my parents. Reading through them, I was struck with how similar their letters were to ours. They were funny, deep, encouraging, hopeful, passionate. It was like I had taken a quick peek into another side of my parents. A side so similar to me.

The sad thing is that my parents are no longer married. They no longer write love letters.

I can't imagine the pain they must have felt, like ripping a part of their body from them. 16 years and 5 children later, to have nothing.

Of course there were circumstances and reasons and a lot of other things contributing to their divorce. But no matter how you cut it, it truly hurts. Everyone.

Oh how I wish they were still married and in a week and a half, that we would all gather together for a thanksgiving full of memories and laughter.

I can't bare to through their old love letters away. They represent a life we once had. They represent a beautiful relationship that produce me and all my sisters. I'm going to keep them and read them and be thankful that my parents loved each other.

Mental

I haven't blogged in forever...

Just to give you an idea of my confused mental state at this point in my life (probably made worse by my son waking up 4-5 times a night...teething).

But to give a glimpse...the other day I tried to drill a screw into the wall for almost 30 minutes. It just would not go in. The dry wall was ruined!

Yesterday I went to change some batteries in one of Barclay's toys. And low and behold, that drill was set to UN screw. So for 30 minutes I had Unscrewed as hard as I could.

Silly, mental me:-)

Italy Day 4-The Long Car Ride

I haven't blogged about our trip to Italy in a while...mostly because of my neck injury, but really want to finish because I haven't even written about my favorite parts!

Sorry this post doesn't have pictures, but we didn't take any that day!

Thursday, we "slept in" and really relaxed around Andrew's house. We were pretty tired from doing so much and not really sleeping that much at night (thanks to Barclay).

We then went right outside to the down town market of Vicenzia. They have a market every Thursday there with clothes, purses, underwear (yes and lots of it), food, flowers, etc. We walked through admiring tents and tents of colorful scarves, sweaters, boots, and of course the underwear:-) I then pestered Noah to go to the Gyro place to grab another of the best thing I've ever eaten.

We spent the afternoon doing laundry and packing for our weekend trip to Rome. When Andrew arrived home, we jumped in his car for the 3 hour trip to Pisa (where the tower is).

This car ride proved to be very taxing (especially for poor Andrew). Barclay literally screamed for about 2 1/2 hours of it. We tried everything. I leaned over his seat and nursed him, gave him crackers, stopped held him, talked to him, turned on the light, covered his seat with a coat to block out light, let him cry it out...and nothing worked.

About half way through the trip we stopped at a gas station to grab dinner. THAT was an experience in itself! I walked in and right near the register, two Italian gentlemen we standing up drinking wine and talking...in a gas station! I also discovered that the Italians sell Cheese baby food. I didn't purchase any for fear of what that would do to Barclay's diapers...yuck!

Back in the car with the crying baby. He fell asleep right when we were entering the Pisa city limit...figures.

That night we stayed on base with Andrew because he was going to do a 10k to the Pisa Tower the next morning.

It was one of the less exciting days over there, but definitely much needed!

What do these things have in common....?

They were all present in my very strange and very long dream last night...

I wont go into details because, they probably wouldn't make sense. But I was giving birth to a baby in front of the Obamas in a very cool spa with ladies birthing babies everywhere...and my midwife took me to the midwifery sushi bar when labor had stalled...

I think I may be coming down with a little something....

No not H1n1, not swine flu, not a cold...

I'm coming down with a little bit of baby fever;-)

How Can You Not Believe?

The Lord has filled my aching heart to overflowing today. Nothing in particularly abnormal happened, but in my small, everyday, normal, sometimes boring life...he blessed me.

God is so apparent to me lately, not only in the beautiful fall weather that mirrors the change that takes place in me every year, but in the relationships I have.

I reconnected with a dear friend this week, and she wrote in an email about her relationship with her husband, "...its amazing how you can grow closer and closer together when you think you are as close as it gets on your wedding day!"

This is so true and I see it again and again in my marriage.

And tonight, after a terrible week where I felt like a bond with Barclay was broken...because I had to stop nursing exclusively. Tonight I was feeding him a bottle before bed and we just had the most blissful time. We giggled and snuggled, and it was just so...needed. I felt the love of God reaching my hurting heart through that time with Barclay. As with my marriage, the moment I met Barclay my heart almost burst with the love I had for him, and without explanation, I love him deeper and more than the day before.

I love that God is so caring, so tender that he shows love to me through tiny moments of my daily life. How can anyone deny Him?

Being Cherished

As I've written in my last post. This past week was rough. I felt like I had been through a blender emotionally and physically. One major difference that I have found in marriage (versus being unmarried) is how you are cared for when you are sick.

I remember the first time I was sick a few months into our marriage. I moaned..."I'm sick...." and Noah replied, "I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it." Very matter of fact.

I have in our four year marriage "train" him that even though he cannot heal the actual sickness, there are many other things that he can do that help my comfort as the sickee.

All in all, just saying, "I'm sorry you're sick" helps a ton!

Last week, I didn't feel very nurtured or cared for by Noah. Sure he did what he was supposed to do. He got up with Barclay after he realized I was in a drug induced coma, he lifted him when I needed him. But I didn't feel that actually compassionate, caring feeling I wanted.

Last night was awful. I yelled at him because all my bitterness over not being taken care of properly really built up. Everything he did hurt me deeper and deeper. Last night I felt like writing him a spiteful email, taking Barclay and leaving... Well that's too dramatic, but I felt awful and I felt like there was no hope on the horizon for us.

This morning I sat down and calmly and clearly explained how he had hurt me and apologized for getting upset/hopping up and down mad the night before.

*I love Noah because I know he is always willing to work on our marriage...and for us personally, that involves a lot of talking.

After about 20 minutes of me sobbing and him attentively listening, it all boiled down to that I didn't feel cherished or pursued. Isn't that the bare bones of what every girl wants?

Noah asked me, what he could do specifically to make me feel cherished. He said, "I hold your hand in public, and touch the small of your back at random times like you like. I provide, I take you out, I hug you, etc...I feel like I am cherishing you."

After being put on the spot, I could not come up with a specific for what would make me feel more cherished. He told me to think about it today and let him know tonight.

I've thought all day and I've come up with...

He does cherish me, and I'm so blessed to have him for my husband.