and by blur, I mean a real, honest, drug induced, coma sort of blur.
Monday I was bathing Barclay, he stood up in the tub very quickly and was about to fall on his head, and me being the super mom that I am...literally dove to catch him. In that dive I twisted my body weird and I heard a pop in my neck. Instantly my arms were numb and I had to put Barclay between my legs to hold him. I was in a lot of pain, but just figured it would wear off.
It didn't. And on the way to the night clinic pediatrician (to make sure Barclay didn't have an ear infection), we pulled over to my chiropractor to see if they could fit me in.
I've seen the same chiropractor for 3 years and he has done wonders for helping my headaches. I just figured he'd fix me. He adjusted me 6 times! All very painful. This was 5 times more than usual. I felt much worse afterwards but he assured me once my muscles calmed down, then I would feel better. The night kept getting worse and worse. And when I got up at 3 to feed Barclay I knew I was in trouble. I put him down, and went to tell Noah that I was going to drive myself to the ER, and leaving him to watch Barclay.
I drove there (thankfully at 3 am you don't have to check your blind spot very often). I was admitted immediately (praise God) because it was a neck injury. It hurt so bad that I couldn't even lay down on the bed. I was just moaning and walking. The doctor thought it could be a fractured vertebrae or a slipped disk. But after a CAT scan, it just showed up as severe muscle and tissue damage.
I was given meds and a note excusing me from work for a few days.
This was highly humorous to me, because my man boss (Barclay) doesn't really take sick notes. I was in so much pain that I decided to take the meds even though it meant not breast feeding while I was on them.
Fast forward 4 days and I literally cannot remember this week. I know my mother and sister, mother in law, father in law, and husband took excellent care of me and the baby, and I have no idea what I would have done without them. Twice I was dropped off at my mom's house, hustled to bed and didn't have to worry about a thing, I was able to sleep two nights in a row, without having to wake to feed, I was fed in bed by my mother, I was treated like a princess.
But with all the tender care, it was still painful and it was tough to see Barclay being independent of me (although I knew the day would eventually come). It was horrible to see him to to reach for me only to be told "mommy could hold him". It was awful the few times he was around me that he buried his face in my chest nuzzling for some warmth. It was terrible to in all my pain and cloudiness, to have to wake up and pump.
It was hard, but I got off the meds after two days and have been nursing exclusively again. It has not gone well.
The hard thing about breastfeeding is you are never sure how much your baby is getting. I know it will probably take a few days to get my supply back. But it's just been rough.
While Barclay was on formula, he:
-slept through the night
-was always pleasant
-had regular dirty diapers
-was just a fun and laughing baby.
Now I'm worried either my milk was making him sick or that now, especially after so long without nursing, I do not have enough to give him.
I'm also tired and worn out. And I want to have another baby in the near future. Should I take the break? Should I fight it and work on another 3 months of nursing?
Am I being selfish and sacrificing Barclay's good sleep and pain free tummy, for my desire to keep him close and still nurse? Or am I worried to not look good to other mothers?
Or am I being selfish that a glimmer of a better daily life is clouding my perception that I KNOW that nursing is the best thing for him? Almost everyone that I looked to for support in breastfeeding is encouraging me to to formula feed.
I wish someone would just tell me black and white...what to do.
In my heart of hearts, I'm not ready to give up nursing. But being a mother means I think what's best for him..not me.