Tuesday, February 5, 2013

why the absence?

I've noticed my blog posts have gone from nearly every day to once a month in the past year.  I've asked myself why and here is what I've come up with:

1-Time!  To sit down and formulate thoughts and have somewhat readable grammar is quite a feat most days.

2-I feel pressure.  I feel pressure to put up pictures with my posts because I tend to write wordy posts and I feel like no one reads them.  Or pressure to write in the "cool-hipster-blog-mom" tone.

3-I barely get comments anymore which makes me feel like seriously almost no one is reading anymore...they've given up too.

4-(and most prominent in my mind)...
I feel like in the past I've been real and people have liked that.  I've been real about the exhaustion of motherhood, about past struggles or hurts...
I feel I'm going through a stage in my life where real is not just relatable...It is plain ugly.  Instead of writing things like: "My child wouldn't stop screaming, and I am a tired mess.", I want to write stuff like, "Does God really love me?", "Will I ever be able to have another baby?  Will I ever be content?  "Did I cause God to hate me?, "I think about possibly being pregnant 70% of my day", "I think about how fat I am the every second of the day."  I hate how I look, my husband hates how I look.", "Have I wasted my childrens' last year with my constant roller coaster of trying to have another baby?" "The pure, black, yucky jealousy that seems to be pouring out of my heart at every log onto facebook or text from a pregnant friend.

I'm dealing with some ugly stuff.  Stuff almost too ugly to write out.

And that's why.


  1. ugly stuff is absolutely the best writing ammunition. keep it up; i read every post.

  2. I love your blog and how real you are. Please keep writing! I read all your posts : )

  3. Keep writing!! I love seeing your blog highlighted in my Google Reader. You're raw and real and it's great! Seriously, we all struggle with stuff and it's encouraging to hear if others' struggles to remind us that we are not alone. :)

    Bekah W

  4. Oh Helenjoy! Your honesty is so refreshing. How I can so relate with always feeling frustrated, overwhelmed and exhausted and yet feeling as though I have to just keep going and looking happy all the time. :( Please know that your posts are so treasured by so many mamas out there that need to know that its okay to feel downright angry at life sometimes!!!
    And btw lets hang out sometimes!! :)))


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