why the absence?

I've noticed my blog posts have gone from nearly every day to once a month in the past year.  I've asked myself why and here is what I've come up with:

1-Time!  To sit down and formulate thoughts and have somewhat readable grammar is quite a feat most days.

2-I feel pressure.  I feel pressure to put up pictures with my posts because I tend to write wordy posts and I feel like no one reads them.  Or pressure to write in the "cool-hipster-blog-mom" tone.

3-I barely get comments anymore which makes me feel like seriously almost no one is reading anymore...they've given up too.

4-(and most prominent in my mind)...
I feel like in the past I've been real and people have liked that.  I've been real about the exhaustion of motherhood, about past struggles or hurts...
I feel I'm going through a stage in my life where real is not just relatable...It is plain ugly.  Instead of writing things like: "My child wouldn't stop screaming, and I am a tired mess.", I want to write stuff like, "Does God really love me?", "Will I ever be able to have another baby?  Will I ever be content?  "Did I cause God to hate me?, "I think about possibly being pregnant 70% of my day", "I think about how fat I am the every second of the day."  I hate how I look, my husband hates how I look.", "Have I wasted my childrens' last year with my constant roller coaster of trying to have another baby?" "The pure, black, yucky jealousy that seems to be pouring out of my heart at every log onto facebook or text from a pregnant friend.

I'm dealing with some ugly stuff.  Stuff almost too ugly to write out.

And that's why.